Help Needed Re Overbearing PIL

[TimothyClaypoleLover]

Hi, am at my wits end and need some advice please. Sorry for length of post, just trying to set the scene.

Ever since DD1 born PIL have been overbearing and demanding access to her, overnight visits from very early on, turning up unannounced all the time to see her and generally interfering with our parenting decisions.

When I went back to work full time I initially had DD booked into nursery but PIL insisted they have her for one day a week. I was reluctant to do this as thought it would cause problems down the line and they do not parent how DH and I want to parent. However, after asking advice on here and my DH assuring me that it was the right thing to do for DD I gave in and PIL have been looking after DD for one day per week (8am-6pm).

I am about to go on maternity leave with DC2 with the intention of giving up work and becoming a SAHM. It has been hinted several times in the past that current childcare arrangement will no longer be necessary as I will be at home to provide the childcare. Obviously I am happy for PIL to see DD1 and take her out but not necessarily for 10 hours a day, more like take her out for a morning or afternoon although obviously if they want to take her to the zoo or seaside etc then a full day is fine. And of course they will be able to see DD1 on other days so not necessarily only on the set one day per week.

Well, PIL have kicked off majorly that I am denying them access to DD1 (which I am not) and that they should be entitled to keep their one day a week arrangement indefinitely. DH is stuck in the middle. He is more worried about his DM kicking off than he is of upsetting me as I am normally fairly chilled out and go with the flow whereas his DM shouts until everyone gives in and she gets her way. DH sided with me and said he was going to tell his parents what would happen from now on. However, PIL have had a go as DH is now saying we should let the current arrangement with them continue to keep the peace.

I am not wanting to stop them seeing DD at all and appreciate the childcare they have provided. However, I never wanted them to provide childcare in the first place as felt it would blur the boundaries between providing childcare and being loving grandparents - which it obviously has. I am being made to feel that I am the one in the wrong by PIL. Can anyone offer some advice as to how to deal with PIL without causing a huge family rift?

Good advice from Bertha, I've had to turf my MiL out of my house a couple of times!!

Thanks again everyone, I really appreciate the advice in how to tackle PIL. It is definitely a case of them wanting to show DD off to all and sundry. I totally get that they love her as much as I do and DD does seem to love them but she also seems to tire of them quite a bit as well.

I do feel sorry for DH as I can see he is keeping them quiet as they shout the loudest. Maybe its time I started doing a bit of shouting too!

Hi Timothy,

re your reply to me:-

"Atilla, you are totally right about DH being conditioned by his parents over the years. From what I have witnessed PIL have been really manipulative with DH and SIL and still are. And it is all about control. Both DH and SIL have their own families now and PIL can't stand not being centre of attention".

You may want to read "Children of the Self Absorbed" by Nina Brown (its about narcissistic parents). Your DH should certainly read it.

"Up until now I have left it to DH to let PIL know what is what but that doesnt seem to be working as they continue to manipulate. I do think we need to keep saying "our children, our decision" until it gets through".

Both of you need to put on a united front; it will be harder for your DH to do this anyway due to inherent conditioning, wanting his parents approval and a desire not to rock the boat. He has to do it though. Giving into both his father and particularly his mother has made them over time far worse and they were difficult I think to begin with long before you and your H met. You need to remember that emotionally balanced individuals do not behave like this at all.

Indeed re the second sentence. That has to be your mantra.

"As said, I am more than happy for them to see DD and they will be able to see more of her now I am finishing work as we will be around all week rather than them just seeing her on one day. They way they are behaving is like I have banned them from completely seeing DD which I would never do".

This is however, how toxic ILs behave; this is all standard stuff for such damaged people. I would be very wary of letting them see her without you being present at all times as your child can be used by such people to get back at you for any supposed shortcomings you have.

HI Timothy,

re your comment:-
"I totally get that they love her as much as I do and DD does seem to love them but she also seems to tire of them quite a bit as well".

I don't think your ILs love your child as much as you do. They certainly have no real idea of her needs and what they are but think only of their own. They see your child as their possession to cart around to various rellies and shopkeepers.

Your last post. Yes, you taking on more of the communicating might help - if you haven't so far, it's a good opportunity for a 'change of tack' - them getting to 'see' the determined side of you, if you will.

Warning: don't let that slide into your DH hiding behind you and blaming you for decisions his parents won't like. That way lies not peace and quiet for him, as he might think, but more angst and upset than he could ever imagine his parents providing!

So what you could try is the new approach, where you start being more direct with them. Have a think about how you intend to handle this, strike the right balance from the start and start as you mean to go on. I'd advise a lot of bland smiles, a lot of 'no we don't want to do that, thanks.' - lots of blank, though polite refusals, no excuses for why you aren't following them or fitting in with their plans - instead, 'No, I don't agree, thanks.'

You have to not be afraid of their reaction for this to work. You have to expect that they will tantrum. I would have a few good sentences prepared that will - hopefully, and over time- get the point across. 'I intend to parent my children my way, as you did yours - you have to understand that these decisions have to be ours. I don't want to fall out over issues like this, but I will if I have to.'

And Bertha's excellent one:

If they say "you are stopping us from seeing our grandchild" your reply is "no, I'm not actually, but I could do. Your behaviour is making me want to. Think about that for a moment".

You'll be the bitch, of course. But it's a terribly useful thing to be, when it comes to people like this. Develop that thicker skin, and after a while they'll know not to push it. And, to hearten you - I've heard of quite a few stories on here of DILs that have taken the ballbreaker approach (after correctly gauging that the only other option was permanent doormat-hood) and have - perversely - ended up being admired by said PIL to all and sundry as their tough matriarch of a DIL, strong mother extraordinaire!! So - you never know.

In the meantime, however, your priority has to be making sure your is well cared for, every day. It doesn't sound like that is really happening at the moment.

Can you present it your dh as "we're putting dd's needs to be cared for before our needs for a quiet life" and "we need to sort things with your parents now, if we leave it we will end up having no relationship at all" ?

After you've told them you are not giving them dd for 1 day a week anymore - and you can put it like that, a bald fact, you don't need apologies or excuses - you could invite them out for an afternoon with you and dd (and dh if possible!). Somewhere like a farm, totally geared to children, for a fun time out. Give them the opportunity to be loving grandparents focussed on their adored grandchild. See if they take you up on it.

If they refuse, they'll have no reason to complain that you're denying them "access". If they accept, they might learn how to be grandparents that have fun with a small child, while you take care of the nappies. They might not of course, they might follow you around the farm with faces like a wet weekend, ignoring your dd and wanting you to listen as they talk about themselves [bitter experience]. But at least you'll have tried ...

OP - no, they DON'T love your DD as much as you do. Not at all. There is no comparison. Could you imagine leaving her dirty and uncomfortable because you want to chat to a relative? When she's with them, her needs aren't coming first.

You definitely need to start from that basic point, and not subconsciously put them 'on a par' with you and DH just because they are her grandparents. From everything you have said, their love seems more about them than her.

Although I appreciate that your DH has obviously grown up with overbearing parents who are used to getting their own way, with all due respect he needs to grow a pair. He has another family now that he needs to consider and your DD's wellbeing should come before whether he is meeting his parents approval. I think you need to present it to him as such.

Also in this life we (mums) work blooming hard, we work, look after children, we're nurses, chauffers, hairdressers, diy people, cook, shop, clean...the list goes on. Unfortunately most women have to do all of that whilst holding down a job, they say we can have it all but all (most) women end up doing is feeling very guilty about doing only half a job in all aspects of their life. Any woman who is lucky enough to be a SAHM should be allowed to enjoy it!! They can't deprive you of that joy, they've had their turn and now it's yours, it won't last for long either.

You need to talk to your DH but ultimately assert yourself and tell him how it will be that this worry is ruining the enjoyment of your pregnancy (which it sounds like it is). Your DH needs to talk to them. He needs to tell them outright that this is what is happening, he needs to tell them that it's your turn and this is because you are their mother and you want to be the one to look after them. I would be reluctant to pull the "you're not looking after DD properly card" because they are likely to just say they will do better or just get overly defensive.

For me it's a no brainer, you're the parents, you make the choices. That said I do know from personal experience that dealing with inlaws is not always easy!