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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How do I sort this one out

6 replies

dogtiredandfedup · 27/03/2012 11:23

dont want this to be a MIL bashing thread but it does concern her. Have always got on with my MIL by trying to placate her and keep the peace. She is always in conflict with one or more members of the family and constantly Slags off her other dils to anyone who will listen. My husband had to take a job away for a few months and she said she would look after my dd when I had to work (said she was grateful for the distraction, she offered I didn't ask, I was going to start her in nursery) my dh persuaded me that this arrangement was best. She then got a full time job but said she would still have her she really wanted to etc, I could work around her and she said she could do any days etc. He has only been away 4 weeks and MIl has told me twice at the last minute that she couldn't have dd. I have had to let work down. Because of this I have made arrangements for her to start nursery (she doesn't know this yet).
Ds and I were at PIL s last week and dd had a tantrum I was dealing with it the way I do at home, ignoring it, no eye contact and distract, I try not to reward tantrums and she rarely has one. She was going " ah poor little girl he needs a cuddle, what do you want here have it etc) I asked her to do as I was doing but she wouldn't, she then picked her up and screamed that I was being stupid I said that she was my child and I would deal with things as I see fit. At that she screamed at me to get out of her house. She told dh she won't look after dd again and I am not welcome.

I have written her a letter ( for dh sake) to say that I felt criticised but that I was very sorry for upsetting her but she refusing to talk to me. What would you do?

OP posts:
HotDAMNlifeisgood · 27/03/2012 11:35

If your DH wanted a letter written but not you, he could have done it himself.

She has clearly let you down re: watching over DD when you work, AND does not respect your parenting, nor does she respect you (screaming at you to leave her house Hmm )

Do you want her to care for your DD while you work? Do you want the obligation towards her it will mean, and the undermining of you as a parent? Go back to your nursery plan; it really sounds for the best. And keep her at arm's length.

The best way to deal with this kind of people is to assertively state your feelings on their behaviour and request alternate behaviour from them ONCE, and then leave the room if they proceed to rage/blame/threaten/intimidate/melt into a puddle of martyrdom.

PooPooInMyToes · 27/03/2012 11:36

I would just ignore her actually. The more you try to keep the peace the more she will think she can behave in any way she likes with no consequences. She wants to sulk? Let her. Get on with you life. Put your child in nursery. Your life will be easier.

dogtiredandfedup · 27/03/2012 11:41

I am much happier that dd will be in nursery at least I will know where I am. I wrote the letter to try and keep the peace for dh sake (they are his parents) but can see that she wants me to grovel. I felt constantly undermined by her. Her favourite line is "I know you don't like dd having, doing this etc but it's ok"

OP posts:
LiarsWife · 27/03/2012 12:14

Even if she hadn't been abusive she is unreliable as far as childminding was concerned so nursery is definitely the way to go

You can have as little to do with her as possible - make your DH take the children to visit her and you can have some me time. You don't need to put up with that crap!

crestico · 27/03/2012 13:45

oh screw your narc MIL, she needs to get a grip and respect your parenting style - and your dp needs to man up and support you because yanbu to be peeved by this

MissFaversham · 27/03/2012 14:02

Why are you trying to keep the peace for DH sake? I'd have nothing more to do with the woman and your DH should come down on your side and tell his mother not to contact you again until SHE apologises to you.

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