ending a friendship because of this

[laughlovelife]

I have been friends with a woman for over 3 years, started a friendship because our children are the same age/same school. She has just ended a 12 year relationship with the children's father, and has no family in our area, and just 4 friends, who I am very close friends with.

Her children constantly hit, demand, scratch/bite my children, ds1 has been bitten and hit and kicked by the older 5 year old child, ds2 is constantly being scratched, hit and getting toys took off him because her DC wants the toys she has.

My children are no angels, however only hit when provoked, we do not have any problems with any other children in our group, they all play well, and love each others companies, and are extremely well behaved.

In the company of said friends children, there is always a fight, either with my DC or with other DC.

About a year ago, her DC continued to hit my older ds, ds told his mum, but nothing was done, in the end my ds picked up a toy hoover and hit her DC which resulted in a huge black eye. DS was punished, and made to say sorry, as although he was provoked, I dont and wont condone this sort of violence or hitting.

I have since found out this week, that she has been telling everyone that my ds is a bully and that her child does nothing to provoke anyone, friends have got involved and said the truth to friend, that she needs to discipline her children and stop blaming everyone else for her children poor behaviour.

Also my youngest ds face is shameful with scratches from youngest DC, as apparently my ds get too close in her face, so that warrants DS face to be scarred and bleeding

Ending this friendship is going too cause friction and animosity in the group, but I cannot continue to be friends where my children are being subjected to this and also being blamed for her children's behaviour because she wants a easy life in not disciplining them.

This has been going on for over 2 years and I am not at the end of my tether, older ds was bitten by her 5 year old child 3 days ago, because my child accidentally bumped into him, and nothing was done, I honestly think I am failing my children, but in also doing this, I know I am going to loose my friends and also our social life with toddler groups etc....

I agree you need to distance the children from one-another.It is a bad model for them to have to put up with bullying behaviour from others.

To be honest you may just have to see what happens with the group as a whole, you may find that others are happy to meet up with you alone and just needed a strong person to make the first move. If not then the world is full of people to make friends with. (as i am constantly telling my own DCs...and myself!!)

Stop seeing her when it's just the two of her but continue going to groups. Also, if someone hurts my child, if the parent says nothing/ doesn't see, I will tell that child off in no uncertain terms, as I'd expect others to do to my children if they were misbehaving.

The safety of your DCs should come before anything else so keep your DCs away from these children and just explain to her (if you need to) that you don't want your DCs hurt anymore.
Do you think she needs help but is too proud/scared to ask? Or doesn't know what to do maybe?

(PS...and just because it is MN "relationships" is it possible that the violent behaviour has been modelled to her DCs? You mention she has just ended a 12 year relationship, if it was abusive both she and her DCs may need help to sort out appropriate behaviour and benefit from support via local Women's Aid.)

she needs help, I think shes having a breakdown of some sort (I didn't put that in my post, but it disappeared somehow) she just does not see that its her children, or that she is to blame, her children can do no right, so with that its everyone else children that gets the blame.

I have/we have tried to give advice, but its all went on deaf ears, its worse because she is 6-12 years older than us, so she see's herself being the better parent as she is older

What do you think is behind her lack of ability or willingness to discipline them? I know some mums feel that when their partner leaves that their children have had so much loss and grief that they overcompensate by not wanting to have and difficult interactions that upset the child. Or they just feel unable to cope. If you can understand why she doesn't use discipline it might help you broach the subject. Obviously this is damaging to the children in the long run.

How do the other mums in your group feel? Is it your children that her kids are particularly difficult with?

I think if I were you I would:

1. Talk to the friend about it. Preferably of an evening, over a glass of wine without any of the kids around and say that you don't want to lose her friendship but are struggling about the way the kids interact. Try avoiding sounding as though you're blaming her as she'll just get defensive. Ask whether you could both keep a close eye on them and agree to jump in early when disagreements happen between the children, before they become physical. Ask her if she can suggest anything else that could help and explain that you've been thinking about seeing them less because it's becoming such an issue.

1. Can you discipline her kids when they interact with yours? When I'm with friends and one of their DC provokes my DD, if I'm nearer to the situation I'd step in and talk to the child saying something like 'no thank you, it's not kind to snatch'. I'd then ask my DD to give the other child a go on the disputed toy and ask them both to take turns. Friends also do this with my DD if they're nearest. If the situation then escalates I'd look at the other mum and say 'I'm sure your mummy would agree, I'd like you to say sorry to X'. Or something like that, just to give a clear cue to another mum that you want them to step in to deal with their child.

Sounds tricky!

she ended the relationship, because her and her ex (who dh is good friends with) didn't communicate, she is quite a controlling person, no violence at all in the relationship, just no communication, her refusal to work, even tho they we're in debt, and him resenting her due to working 24/7, and being in massive debt.

If DCs are at school then there may be a Parent liason officer (or similar) who could draw alongside her. maybe mantion to school what is happening, they may have resources that can help her (what with the govt. wanting schools to be part of the community...)

Take pictures of the damage to your children. If she or anyone says anything in your ear shot whip one out and say yes unfortunately your child did hit hers after hers did this...

Quietly backing away and not disputing her may lead to your children not being invited elsewhere because they are vicious.