How do you get people to respect you?

[PinkAndPurplePirateGirl]

I feel disrespected by so many people at the moment. I am working on my self esteem as some of you know with help from my counsellor. But I feel I just get treated like shit.

One so called friend for example will be so rude and quick with me if I ever phone her yet she spends hours on the phone to others. I phoned her last night to ask something about our DDs school and she said 'not being rude but I've got to go now as I'm busy, see you later'. If she talks to me at the school or we bump into each other she carries on walking as she talks and always seems like she's in such a hurry. Yet if she decides to phone me or wants to come up and talk to me at the school she expects me to talk for hours.

What bugs me too at the school is that everyone always has time for others, yet no one seems to have anymore time for me other than a quick hello. If someone does talk to me they then see someone else that they just have to talk to and they're off, talking intently and listening to the other person. No one ever abandons a conversation with anyone else to have a conversation with me. I must be very boring. It seems like everyone stands in groups at the school but if ever I try to join another group it's obvious I'm not welcome, so I end up standing on my own. One friend is at the school and will sometimes talk to me/stand with me and at other times ignores me. The other day I got to school for pick up and she was with another woman and they both saw me, I walked over to see them both and my friend put her hand up to me like you would to a child if you wanted them to shut up whilst you were talking to another adult, so I just walked off.

Also I dropped my DS at nursery this morning and the staff there don't seem to respect me either. Some mums are fussed over and take about 20 minutes to drop their kids off, taking up loads of space unpacking their DCs bags and telling the nursery staff what is to happen. When I took DS in all the staff just looked at him, no one said hello, and they just carried on with what they were all doing. He is only 2 and often needs an adult to take him off as he doesn't always like leaving me. I just meekly tried to get him to do an activity the best I could but really I am kicking myself as no one even greeted him.

I'm so annoyed, I am again on the verge of giving up bothering with being nice or trying to be friends with anyone. I don't think anyone would ever want to become friends with me anyway, there just seems no point in bothering with anyone.

I think sometimes if you're not a drama queen you don't get so much attention. And if you're steady, staff know you don't actually need a fuss, which might seem like ignoring you but is actually a compliment.

And if you're feeling low, you'll see everything as a slight, when its not. I know I do

I'd speak to the Nursery manager that you re not happy with the way the hand over takes place. Sorry in my phone and running to work (not said in a way your mate did ).

Sounds really not much fun at all here have a [brew[ and a

Hard to advise without seeing the interactions themselves. All I can say is that I had a rather weird and isolated childhood and as a result was somewhat stunted in the social skills stakes myself (not that you are).

I have sorted myself out now and went through various stages of social success until I reached a point where I can confidently say my company is appreciated and (even!) sought out, and I have plenty of good friends (not to be arrogant - after the start I had I am eternally grateful)

Anyway, to offer any nugget of possibly useful information from this, which may or may not be relevant, I have boiled my experiences down to 5 observations (take them or leave them - I don't mind, just hoping something maybe helpful).

1. If you project confidence even if you don't feel it people will respond very differently to you, than if you have a tendency to fade into the background, eye contact is key.
2. Rarely apologise, unless it is something which actually requires one, i.e don't say sorry for every little thing.
3. Don't try to get on with everyone - choose your company and odds are if they are 'your sort' you will probably be 'their sort'.
4. Some people are just crap and have no consideration for others if you find you have acquired friends like this, seek better people who are thoughtful and nice. In other words have high standards. It is too easy to drift along in the company of people who maybe aren't actually that great and it can cause distress as you aren't treated well and it becomes about you, when in fact it is about them.
5. If you have a good friend treat them well and it will pay dividends (note - this is how you know a crap friend as that rule doesn't work with rubbish people who tend to take but not give)

Don't give up being nice!!! Nice people are brilliant and I have a feeling you are just not being appreciated. Find people who like nice people - those who don't, are arses who can fuckityfuckoff!!!

agree with drinkfeckarsegirls too. :)

I hesitate to say that ANY of this is to do with how you present yourself, because they all sound like arseholes but how confident are you? I do think that sometimes people think they can walk over less confident looking people, which makes them unkind and you worth more - but neverhteless, showing people that you won't accept this kind of treatment from the OFF is a good way to avoid it.
If you feel like trying to pretend to be super confident for an hour or so, just watch and see what the results are.

It's amazing what happens when you walk upright, smile, look like you believe people will like you and respect you - often they do, because they think you expect it. I know if I have an off day and I go quiet and serious, and a bit unsure of myself, or how I look etc then people will ignore or dismiss me far, far more than usual.

And when I am feeling on top of the world and I stride around and look strong, and confident and happy, people are much more 'sit up and listen'. It shouldn't have to be an effort but sadly it can be that way.

I'm sure you are lovely. But it might be worth giving this a try and seeing if it makes a difference. I can't do it all the time but there is a big place in my life for bluffing it now, as I know it works for me.

Take care x

x posts with GinPalace who said it much better!!

Agree with Flightty and GinPalace. If you have a music player of some kind you could think of a song that always makes you smile/dance/walk tall and have it set to play as you approach a situation that makes you nervous?

Sometimes if I put on certain song/songs I like to walk along and pretend I'm a film star (big sunglasses help :o) or just some kind of totally awesome goddess type person, and imagine that everyone present would find it an honour to talk to me. If you walk up to your friend/nursery people etc with that attitude, a big smile and maintain eye contact (really important - don't put your head down or look around/away like a sad puppy) and EXPECT a good reaction, you might get one.

Alternatively, they might just be arses. But then it's up to you to make that decision.

A key idea I find helpful is that you get what you THINK you deserve, rather than what you "really" deserve. You know when you see grubby, frankly pretty unattractive guys going around with beautiful, well-groomed women, and you know that the man is never for one second going to think "do I really deserve the company of this beautiful woman?", while the woman is probably thinking she is lucky to have him? :( That's how it works. But you can make it work better for you if you learn to expect friendliness, respect and attention from others.

I think sometimes it is about perception.
Obviously I wasn't there and so can't say exactly why people behaved the way they did, but I was reading your post thinking maybe you seem organized and efficient at nursery, and so the staff leave you to it. The parents who need fussing over for twenty minutes might be really inconvenient and annoying for the staff.
With regards to your friend putting her hand up, I was thinking if that happened to me I would assume that your friend was listening to the other person talk about something upsetting/ worrying, and didn't want the person to be cut off mid flow about something that was really hard for them to talk about. I definitely wouldn't assume it had anything to do with not wanting to talk to me.

Thank you very much everyone for all the great, helpful replies. I think I do have low confidence. Better than it was but still low, and my body language and how I am probably do reflect that a lot of the time. I really need to work on these things and am definitely going to take all of the suggestions and advice from you all on board. I do find that I just walk up to people and say hello and then that's that, and they just carry on talking to who they were talking to before.

kingprawn, if it was just a one off with this friend then yes I wouldn't be as upset but she never seems to have time to listen to me talking about anything upsetting or worrying, and I can bet she wouldn't put her hand up to tell anyone else to shut up if I was in mid conversation with her. I think I know the answer to my own question about her really, she isn't a nice person and doesn't respect me or value me as a friend so I think I need to not bother with her again. If she wants to chat she can come up and speak to me. I can't deal with all this speaking sometimes and ignoring at other times thing.

Can I ask you all, what is the best way to let people know I won't be treated shoddily? Is it best to just stop having anything to do with them and be polite but vague if I see them? Or is it best to tackle them and say I find them rude?

The other thing that I find is if someone falls out with me, mutual friends will inevitably side with them over me. A mum at the school is currently not talking to me as our DDs had an argument and I find people are clamouring to speak to her whilst I get left out in the cold. Also I went on a girls' night out a few months ago with a group of friends I met at a baby group. One woman wasn't very pleasant, I think she picked up on my low confidence and was really nasty to me for the whole night. I ended up going home and told her not to contact me again. Of course everyone else is still her best buddy and they all stuck up for her. I deleted a lot of them from facebook but kept some on there, they have all said to me she behaved badly but a couple said that they won't' be commenting on anything of mine or communicating openly with me on there because they don't want the rest of the group to fall out with them.

I don't think it is worth tackling people - if they have reached adulthood and still behave that way you aren't going to change them.

There are plenty of people out there who would never consider treating anyone shoddily. You need to surround yourself with people who are nice.

I don't waste my time with people who can be rude to others, particularly those who are supposed to be a friend - life is too short - I am not rude to people, don't like people who are and won't spend my precious time with people I don't like. I only spend time with people I think are nice and worth knowing.

The only time I would tackle someone was if I had to associate with them and couldn't distance myself i.e. a work colleague and then I might tackle it, but it would be on a case by case basis.

I think you need to consider changing who you mix with - get some new hobby that brings you into contact with the kind of person you want in your life. In my case I love being active so I joined a sport club and got lots of great like-minded friends through that.

All just my opinion of course. :)

Blimey! - from your last post - these people sound incredibly childish!!!

Poor you. How ridiculous.

If you come into contact with someone who is rude, GinPalace, are you polite to them but just don't have a lot to do with them? You're right, I need to surround myself with people that make me feel good and that are nice people. I need to get a hobby too, I love exercise so perhaps will join a few classes or something like that or perhaps a running club.

Sometimes groups of women can be a bit cliquey, although not always. If this is the case, the best thing is to leave them to it. You did the right thing walking away from the baby group, I left mine as I also realised there was some not very nice behaviour from a couple of ringleaders, and everyone else just trotted behind. I knew I was a nice person, so left them to it and stopped going out with them.

Also, at the school gate, I wouldn't approach two people deep in conversation. I would look for another lone person standing around, say a gran who doesn't normally pick up, or a new parent, who will appreciate you chatting to them. By going up to well-established or cliquey groups you are increasing your chances of a knock-back or just being sidelined. I say hello to lots of people, but only have one or two people I really like. I chat to other 'lone' mums and am not in any groups, but it's fine.

Finally, get out there and do something interesting for yourself, like a new job or hobby where the focus is on the thing you are doing and not the people. This stuff is boring, and if you let it define you, you will continue to feel crap. Go and work in a job where your quiet but lovely nature will be appreciated and environments which are not the school playground!

This isn't about people respecting you, it's about people liking being in your company. People like to talk to positive people.

Put a big smile on your face and when you approach people say brightly "Hi there, how you doing?!" have some self-deprecating small talk ready for when someone says "how are you?" back ("Ugh! God knows how I got myself and [child] out of the house in one piece this morning I had toast in one hand, [child] in the other and was at the car when I realised I still had my slippers on! How you manage with 2 of them I dont know! How are the kids?"). Basically try to behave as if you are 100% confident and that it would be impossible for anyone not to think you were fabulous, sparkling and witty. Fake it til you feel it.

Mumsy, I've tried talking to other lone mums there but the ones that stand alone are the ones that don't want to talk at all IME. You're right, I do need a hobby or new job or something.

ionysis, I don't know if I'm capable of doing that at the moment, much as I would love to, I don't even know if I would be capable of faking it.

pinkandpurple - I am always polite to people as a rule, but it depends what you mean by rude. If you mean they blank you, then I wouldn't bother to confront that, I would just not waste my time on them. If someone was actually horrible to me, such as tell me to get lost, I would not let that go without a retort but I wouldn't stoop to that level and get into a slanging match, I would just say something along the lines of them not having much charm and getting lost would be my pleasure!

I wasted an awful lot of time in the past thinking if someone wasn't nice I could do something differently to make them nice to me, partly cos my self-esteem problems led me to believe I was the problem and partly as I was brought to believe that everyone was a valuable person and should be respected.

Eventually, I realised that I had not exactly been taught wrong so much as the lesson hadn't been nuanced enough.

Now, I think everyone is deserving of my respect until I meet them, and then the person they show themselves to be demonstrates if they are still deserving of my respect upon acquaintance. I have also (finally) accepted that not everyone is nice, and there are some people who are actually not particularly nice at all or are only nice to people on a pick and choose basis which is just as crap INMHO. I no longer have any time or patience with those who are not. I have all the time in the world for those who are however!!

Mumsy is right - this playground politics bollocks is boring and definitely don't let it define you!

Get yourself out and about and into new situations - that way you can develop beyond your existing boundaries and become the person you are obviously working towards becoming. :)

Gin, it sounds as though we had a similar upbringing; my mum always made out I was a problem/really awful so hence I never developed the 'I'm ok' mentality that adults generally develop.

Oh this is very sad, but lots of lovely advice.

Take the advice here and give it more importance than perceived slights at the school.

Do speak to the nursery manager though, children need to be welcomed into their environment (actually everyone does but children in particular do) and the staff should definitely be greeting both of you. This is very important for both you and your child to feel confident at drop off.

The same should apply at pick up. The nursery manager will surely know this, it is very basic knowledge in childcare.

Hi PinkandPurple I've been having a nice time at the beach - but dropping in to say hello.

I agree with you, we all have a legacy from our early life and some things take longer than others to improve. I don't know how old you are but if it is any consolation I didn't really get any real confidence until in my 30's - everything before that was either me as a social klutz or faking it.

I still have poor esteem deep down, I know this as when things get really tough I find myself reverting back to my old mindset of 'I am crap' etc.

However, most of the time it is very remote and many people I know think I am really confident and wouldn't recognise me if they could go back a few years and see the old me! I see this as a great achievement and am pleased as I hated being the sort of person who apologised for breathing and have basically set a standard and gone for it. I think it is one of the things I am most proud of myself for, even though it isn't something I can really share as most people wouldn't understand, but I can see how far I have come.

The point being that if you are wishing to develop a greater sense of self it is definitely possible and made much easier if you collect fab people around you and jettison anyone not helping!!!

Hope you are feeling much better soon. :)

and Pohara is absolutely right. :)

GinPalace, just wanted to thank you for your insightful and kind posts on this thread. I have been sharing them with a friend who has similar worries - apologising a lot etc. Much appreciated

Ahhhh Thanks for saying that ElephantsandMiasmas I still think your big sunglasses idea was the best one though.

Lots of people have helped me along the way - I couldn't have done it on my own, so it's nice to be able to pass that on. :)

Have a great weekend.