I've really, really had enough, now what?

[lemmingcurd]

namechange. I used to be regular-ish but haven't posted for ages.

Nutshell: married 10 years 3 DC, 2 at school 1 just a baby. Difficult relationship from the start. He's from south of europe, huge cultural issues, language issues, now I think there are just ignorance issues. Yesterday he lost it with DD (8), smacked her and pushed a book into her chest (I didn't see this I wasn't in the room, she told me). He is usually impatient, surly, demanding, controlling... we have had row after row, I have lost my temper and taken it out on the remote control and the dishwasher so many times because I have nowhere else to go in this country and am terrified about coming back to the UK because I would basically be on my own, plus he would fight tooth and nail to have the kids ... I just don't like so many things about him although he does have positives which is why we have 3 kids and I have stuck it out this long. Now I've had enough. This is not a good environment for the DCs and I couldn't care less about being married to him any more.

I'm taking two days off work at the end of this week, I need to go and see a lawyer. All, and I mean all, our assets are in joint names and we have no savings. :(

Try to be completely rational. You are divorcing - what steps do you need to take. Solicitor is booked, it is very possible and you are in control.

thanks raggy. actually not booked yet, need to find a good one first...

Were your dc born in the UK or, if not, do they have dual natonality?

Do you have family in the UK that you could stay with while you rebuild a life here or do you feel that you would be better off remaining in southern Europe?

good question. I do have family but it would be terribly stressful for all concerned staying in the same house. I don't think I'd have a problem rebuilding life in the UK, I can rent somewhere even if I have to pay the deposit on my credit card, it's just a question of what's best for the DCs, there or here.

I'd suggest you start accumulating some savings so that you have a few more choices when you decide to leave. The 'best for the DCs' is going to be with you and the best for you sounds like the UK with your family. As well as talking to solicitors, once you're in the UK you can also consult the Citizens Advice Bureau. This Online Benefits Calculator may also be helpful. Good luck

Please get in touch with your family - if you were my relative I would squeeze you in for a few weeks while you found somewhere to rent.

Good luck, he sounds an arse.

Now I've had enough. This is not a good environment for the DCs and I couldn't care less about being married to him any more.

I agree with Alibaba - get in touch with your family. It is likely they will help you to escape.

It sounds as though you would be able to work once you get back to the UK, so you probably wouldn't need to stay with them for long.

If you feel that it is not easy to tell your family, etc. that is probably partly becuase your H is an abuser and has isolated you from them.

he would fight tooth and nail to have the kids

This idea is really scary. Can you take the DCs back to the UK for Easter and stay there?

There are lots of threads here explaining how to escape from abusive relationships if you are in the UK, but not so many where leaving means moving children across international borders. It is certainly more complicated to leave in these circumstances. Is there an equivalent of Womens' Aid in the country you live? Can you access that or are there language issues?

As a long-term strategy could you persuade H to move to the UK as a family? You would then have a lot more practical and emotional support if you leave H.

Good luck.

thanks everyone for taking the time to reply.

You're right sunshine, there are not many threads on international separations, otherwise I would have gone there before posting.

No he hasn't isolated me from my family, my family are concerned but very very limited as to the practical help they can offer, for lots of reasons.

And it's him with the language issues not me :) I've been here 12 years already... But no there is nothing like women's aid or even Relate, AFAIK. We have gone to a child counselling centre for DS and the psychologist there was quite helpful, at least H seemed to have taken something on board from her, whereas he won't listen to me.

AliB, thanks for the validation :) If I had a pound (or even a Euro) for the number of times I have thought "he's an arse" over the past 10 years I would not be sitting here moaning about having no savings.