Any suggestions/book recommendations on getting my sex life back on track?

[Libidoagogo]

Have name changed as I am a repressed individual and I'm slightly embarrassed about posting this! Like many people sex with DH doesn't happen nearly as often as it did pre children. Since having DD2 two years ago however my libido has completely plummeted, much more so than after the births of my other two children.

We usually have sex about once a week but sometimes not as frequently as that and when we do it's always good and I enjoy it but it takes such a lot for me to be "in the mood". DH never puts pressure on me and he doesn't sulk when I turn him down but I can see he's frustrated sometimes and I feel so bad. I'm not that affectionate towards him anymore either, I'm not sure whether I just don't find him that attractive anymore or whether I'm worried if I started cuddling and kissing him he'll interpret that to mean I want sex! I'm just not sure what to do, I still really love him, why can't I get in the mood?

Start a little further back than the bedroom. Think about your relationship more generally. How much do you connect as a couple on an everyday basis? Do you hold hands when walking down the street? Do you smile and laugh with each other? Flirt with each other? Make romantic gestures? Compliment each other?.... Or does life with four (do I read that right?) children mean that you are constantly busy, rarely get a moment for each other and are more like ships that pass in the night? (This would be normal)

To get 'in the mood', most people need to feel relaxed, confident, happy, attractive... that kind of thing. If life is busy everyone needs time to wind down. It's not like flipping a switch. Couples that communicate their feelings and preferences have better sex than couples that rely too much on guesswork. If he would like sex more often, encourage him to say so rather than simply feeling 'frustrated'. If you want to kiss and cuddle without it necessarily ending up as full sex, for example, say it in advance rather than relying on 'interpretation' on his part. Good sex once a week and cuddles the rest of the week would be better than guesswork, frustration or any feeling of pressure.

So that's my suggestion... Talk to each other honestly about how you feel. Make a big effort to treat each other as 'boyfriend and girlfriend', laugh together, be thoughtful with each other and find time to be more romantic. Feel able to be 'intimate' with each other rather than 'sexy'. Good luck :)

You're putting pressure on yourself by the sounds of things, and that's not likely to help. Can you talk to him and find out how much of a big issue it really is to him? You might be worrying over nothing. It is really normal for couples' sex lives to vary over the course of the relationship, and it might be that he's tired and not as up for it too :)

You shouldn't have to feel pressured to go all the way once you've given one signal, so have a chat with DP to just confirm this - any decent man isn't going to expect this anyway.

Then make some time to just be intimate - perhaps designate a "date night" once a week (or once a month?) where you go out, if possible, or stay in and have dinner/watch a film/have a bath together and make a real effort to keep to it rather than saying "Oh but I just need to do this job first" or whatever. There needs to be no pressure for sex on these nights, too - just go with the flow and see what comes up.