Oh hell, I don't know where to start really. I suffer from quite bad self esteem problems. I am in an otherwise happy, stable relationship and he's very good to me. But I torment myself that all his exes were incredible looking, that I would never measure up, and that he compares me unfavourably. I don't have any evidence to support this. I just think it. It torments me.
I hate my body. Even more so after a baby. I have stretchmarks and a saggy belly and breasts. I was a fat child, an anorexic teenager and my weight has yo-yoed my entire life and has only been stable the past three years- not counting pregnancy. If I could afford it, I'd have extensive surgery.
When I was pregnant, my DH went off sex in the final trimester. This made me feel even crapper about myself.
I keep these feelings to myself. I don't tell him.
I had a minor melt down when I found out he was texting his most recent ex. But these texts were not sexual and were for a practical reason.
My childhood was not great. My father was absent and an alcoholic who was inconsistent and often verbally abusive. He beat up his wife (not my mum) so much that she was hospitalised on many occasions. He died from alcohol related illness ten years ago. His family didn't inform me of his death. I heard about it through a friend.
Growing up, my mum's family used me as a whipping boy and I was often the brunt of their jokes. They laughed at me for being fat and said I was just like my father whenever I'd say or do something. They threatened to send me away to live with him when I was a stroppy teenager. I was bullied at school and at home and just ate and ate. Then when I turned 14 something clicked in my head and I went the other way. I was around 6 stone for a long time. I still have some disordered eating but I seem to be better for the most part.
My mum did and does suffer from very low self esteem and I find her quite exhausting at times. I don't feel she parented me very well when I was a child but she wasn't terrible or anything. She just never stuck up for me when I was (looking back) a vulnerable child at the mercy of dysfunctional adults.
The only upside was I worked hard to get away from them all and managed to go to uni and have a career (and now lovely family of my own). Even though mum's family took the piss out of me relentlessly when I stayed on at school. But I escaped.
But now, I feel I'm left with the legacy of all this. I realise other people have much worse stories and they seem much more together. But I never feel good enough. I always think I'm the ugliest in the room. I had some bad experiences with men who backed up these thoughts by telling me how hideous I am but now I'm with someone who is the opposite and I'm still tormented.
Perhaps I need therapy or something. I don't know. I've been like this for years and I am tired of it now. I'm definitely the joker, the one who is always laughing, but inside I'm in pieces. I just want to be like everyone else.