he's gone to stripclub again and I'm thoroughly fed up now

[TrippleBerryFairy]

Need your views o whether I am being too harsh.

O fri DP was in London with business. Spoke to him in the evening, he's out with work people for a couple of drinks. Fine by me. Around 8pm calls to tell me he's o his way and I shall see him i 2 hrs or so. Fine. I go to bed. He comes back at 1am. I know what that means - he's gone to strip club as that what happens when he drinks a few in London.

Now I never minded him going there once in a while (rightly or wrongly, don't know anymore). But this has happened quite a few times before - him telling he he's 'on his way' and then crawling back at various time in the morning. I feel like he's taking a piss. In the past it happened that I go to sleep after told he's back soon and then get to wake up at 1-2am to find he's not there are thinking wtf, is he hurt, is he alive, is he ok?..

What bugs me even more is that after the latest incident on fri he obviously didn't even feel or see the need to apologize. He slept nicely all sat morning. Just because I don't speak to him he apologized yesterday by text (I was out of the house with DS) saying he'll do anything that's needed and will stop drinking for a start. Apologized again when I got home (but that was more of a 'take it or leave it' apology) at what point I said this time 'sorry' just won't cut it and I will only speak to him with a mediator in the room. I feel I hate him, there's just too much contempt in me and the only way forward I see is if he's arrange for us to go to Relate.

So after claiming he's going to do whatever it takes he's not even trying to talk to me - earlier he declared 'I treid talking to you' which constituted in him asking he this morning 'so you're not talking to me are you?'.

I just feel I cannot be bothered anymore. This sexless/affectionless/me being the skivvy relationship has hit the wall as far as I am concerned. Furthermore he is addicted to porn and a workaholic and entitled which is honestly just more than I can handle.

I spoke to CAB this morning and shall be getting back to them if needed. We have house which we own together and I am wondering what is my next step in getting the ball rolling (aka selling it). We were supposed to be going to visit my parents abroad for Easter but I told him he's not to bother going there, it's just me and DS going now. I told him I hate him and honestly that's how I feel as I just don't feel like I can deal with being forgiving pushover anymore.

The only was forward out of this I can see is if he would make an effort and arrange a Relate session. It's like something in my mind just snapped and the latest incident has pushed me/us over the edge.

Am I making mountain of a molehill you think? Perhaps I should consider going to Relate myself as I just don't know anymore what a normal relationship looks like. Seriously. Him watching port 3x day and having sex once in 4 months is normal in our house. Him never making me feel like a woman (e.g. compliments, flowers) is a norm here. Last time I was low and said I don't feel very good about myself his reply was 'well, I am not exuding sexiness either!'.

I am fed up :(

I don't blame you

If you have reached your limit, do what you need to do

I would feel the same, and so would many other women

he sounds like a loser

But AF, rational part of me tells me that we have a comfortable house, he's not beating me and can be nice actually, he loves DS ad Ds loves him, he pays for a lot of things so I don't have to and sorts out car etc - so perhaps I am a bit harsh throwing all this away?...

On the flip side I feel lonely and the thought 'I wish I could just leave him' has been in my head for quite some time...

I hope perhaps going to Relate myself would help me to understand myself in all this mess. There's so many conflicting thoughts in my head at the moment.

mozarela re-read what you wrote in your last post:

we have a comfortable house, he's not beating me and can be nice actually, he loves DS ad Ds loves him, he pays for a lot of things so I don't have to and sorts out car etc

Is that really all you expect from a happy marriage?

It can - and should be - so much more.

TBH, it sounds like he wouldn't do any of the things you're asking for anyway.

I think Relate is a very good idea for yourself though, as it can help clarify things in your own mind.

I'm very sorry you're going through this and I hope you feel better soon.

sounds crap. I think hes lost interest in the relationship tbh, and you either get counselling and he needs to make some big changes, or cut your losses.
Im sorry youre gong through this

he doesn't respect you though, does he, love ?

he can still be a good dad to ds, pay for things etc when you don't have to tolerate him as a partner

of course he can be nice, if he were a complete monster nobody would give him the time of day

it's up to you, though, isn't it

if this is enough for you, then stay

it doesn't sound like it though, or you wouldn't be here

I also would be careful who you listen to in RL re. whether what he is doing is acceptable within a relationship. Some women would think they had no choice but to stay with a man who is a consumer of the sex industry. It's just "something men do".

Personally, I would not. And no, it isn't. Or at least, decent men don't. The kind of man I want as a father figure to my dc.

He might be nice to his child, but he is certainly not nice to you?

Why stay with a man who treats you with such lack of respect? Disrespecting the mother of his child is not really how a good father behaves either.

Strip clubs? No way. Never mind the staying out when he says he'll be home, repeatedly. A man who goes to strip clubs does not respect women. You feel lonely in your relationship and that is very sad. You sound like a good person and no one deserves to be disregarded in such a way.

I agree that going to Relate on your own would be a very good thing to do.

Sweetheart, you've reached your limit for a reason.

Your husband doesn't respect you and you deserve so much more than this. You deserve a partner who loves and respects.

He can still be a good dad to your child without you being trapped in this relationship.

The fact is, you deserve whatever you are happy with. Whatever your limits and boundaries are, not anyone elses. The whole point of being in a relationship is that you learn each others and respect them, whatever they are, if you are happy with them.

You want a partner you can rely on, who is part of the whole family, who respects you, treasures you.

He wants a convenience who keeps his hotel tidy and won't moan when he does what he wants.

He should go and live with his mum.

Sounds like you have just hit the wall, and good for you. That's a normal response at this point! I wouldn't put up with it either. Agree, do what you need to do.

Sometimes we only find our limit when we pass it.

Having a crap sex life is par for the course with a porn addict, so no surprise there.

Raise your expectations love.

You describe your husband in negative terms - i.e. 'worse' things that he doesn't do. His positive traits are being nice sometimes, loving his son and paying for things proportionate to his earning power.

That's not what you wanted is it? Or what you once thought you deserved?

He's learnt to treat you like he treats the women he sees abused in the porn he watches and at the strip clubs he frequents - disposable and not worth any effort.