Do i have a problem?

[lookatmenow]

OK, so i've name changed so i can be truely honest with out fear of reprisal.

Having read and commented on these boards for quite a while i find that i can understand the point of view (or at least see where they are coming from) of the OP's partner - ie: MNetters usually shout he's being abusive, controlling, leave him, he doesn't love you etc... and i'm more of the understanding that he/she probably does love you but there is something as to why they behave in a certain manner!!!!!

My problem is that having yet read another post where everyone seems to be say the above, i've found that i react in exactly the same manner as the OP's partner...... i love my husband and DC more than life it's self and would destroy anyone who was to harm my children or family, but looking at these threads it would seem that maybe i am an abusive partner/mother and that has terrified me.....what if i am???? i wouldn't / couldn't harm my children but what if i am mentally and don't even know it? Who's to say that in 10yrs time there not on here saying what a horrible mother/wife i was!!! :(

How do i change my personalty or aspects of it when i think i react to situations in the best way and right way.... i wont stand for any messing about (never one for suffering fools) but i will listen to the point of view and take on board their feelings and try to move forward the best way for us all. But i am also aware that i am maybe a passive aggresive in that if DH pee's me off (but seems trivial) i will be off hand until i've calmed down and this can sometimes take several hours and i can't seem to snap out of it.

Do i have a problem? Should i be addressing the state of me and if so, how?

Sorry if this doesn't make sense.

No idea if you have a problem or not, sorry. Most of us like to think we handle situations the right way. The questions to ask are whether your motives are good or if you are acting out of malice. Are you persuasive or controlling? Do you criticise constructively or do you simply throw insults? Do you enjoy deliberately making others feel small? Talking honestly to those closest can be revealing if you're not sure how you come across. If you're willing to change, you're probably not at the problem end of the spectrum. Genuine abusers think there is nothing wrong in their behaviour.

i would say majority of time my motives are good but i do know that i can be a "bitch" and will act accordingly.

"partner going on a rare night out with friends, i wll be offish with him prior to him leaving as i feel he can't wait to get out and enjoy himself whilst i'll stay in with DC and watch TV on my own :( (this is how i feel) so though i know i'm being unreasonable, i can't seem to help myself and so i ask him to do things before he goes out (ie: empty kitchen bin/sort our his dirty washing/read with the kids - things i would do without question prior to me going out with the girls) I think some of it is that if i'm going out i will make sure he has an easier night as possible - but because i've asked i'm getting more pee'd off!!! "

If i'm discussing or telling the children off as to their behaviour, i don't seem to be able to just make my point and leave it, i have to go on and on and on, covering all angles just to make sure they understand - by the end of it i know they're not listen and this riles me even more!!!

If partner wants sex and i don't, straight forward "no" from me and will probably avoid contact if he thinks he's be "seductive" (trying it on) but if the other way round and he refuses, i can quite happily have a stand up argument with him over the times he has wanted to and i wasn't paticulally(sp?) in the mood, so why can't he?

You're not a bad person or you wouldn't think it was a problem. However, if you've identified that your first instincts are more self-centred and vindictive/bullying than you'd like, then you could try to manage your responses and think of alternatives for next time. Rather than browbeating your children over bad behaviour, for example, make your point forcefully just once or twice and then deliberately stop. Takes practice, that's all.

The fact that you are aware of all this is a good start. It takes time and practice to change but it is possible. I've had similar thougths recently (re nagging my husband etc) and I realised that I really don't want to be like that and I don't like me being like that. So I'm making a concious effort to change. It's hard work and sometimes I slip but I think I've become better at it.

Regarding you children - I'm reading this parenting book which you might find helpful - Raising our children raising ourselves.

Good luck.

OP I think I've done all of the above at some stage I can be passive aggressive, I can be manipulative, I can keep going on like a broken record, I can get angry, I can sulk, I think it depends on the scale of these things.

You have to weigh it all up and in my case, I conclude I do the nicer stuff most of the time.

On these pages you often find a lot of posters really are in dire straights, their lives have become intollerable and hence the advice.

I've yet to meet a person without a personality vice or few.

We are all a work in progress and realising our actions, then tweeking isn't a bad thing is it.

Gordon Bennett - everyone can be a tosser at times, it's what makes us human.

In the 9 years I have been with my dh I've yelled, had a couple of stand up arguments, sworn at him, thrown a piece of laminate flooring in his vicinity, behaved passive aggressively, been bitchy, said some horrible things..... but 99% of the time I've been reasonableness and love personified.

No one is perfect, we are all trying to be better partners. We are all 'works in progress'.

Wow! Many thanks, you have all made me feel much better.

I do/am nice the majority of the time but reading through these threads sometimes i really feel for the other half!!! Like no-ones EVER suppose to have a bad day or a wrong judgement call, but i supposed it's like MissFaversham says, by the time people are on here regarding their relationship, they're pretty much in dire staights.

So feeling more positive today, the sun is shining, the kids were off out to school without arguing and DH has done everything i have asked of him so far (we work together) - i'm happy :o

Like you have said, i am aware of how i can be so will try and think of another approach and stop and breathe

Hi there OP. It sounds like you may not have "a problem" NOW, but it is so easy for these little things to become habit forming. I have seen the way my mother speaks to my father and thought "it can't have just suddenly started from nowhere". Being a bit bitchy, speaking disrespectfully, hammering the point home until its done to death - all those things can insidiously get more and more frequent until they become default / "normal" ways of behaving in the home. That's when you really do have a problem. Its good that you see yourself doing these things (and yes, of course we all behave unreasonably sometimes) becaue now you can make a conscious effort to stop yourself, to pull yourself up and start over in a more constructive fashion.

I used to do that same thing before my DH went out (because I knew he would come back wasted and was preemptively pissed off but anyway...). When I found myself doing it I actually looked at him and said "I am being a bitch and I know its not fair but I am feeling X". Which took all the passive aggressiveness out of it and he didn't have to be defensive. Kind of stopped it in his tracks. Just maybe worth a thought.

Thanks Ionysis, that is what i was concerned about, it's so easy to do something over and over and that becomes the norm. I don't want to be like that and i hear myself sometimes and i'm even sick of the sound of my voice!!!! So YES, i will make more of a concious effort to stop myself and re-think the next move. :)

holyShmoley totally agree with you over the kids, it is horrible and i am trying to do something about it. The DC's are 10 & 7 so yes at an age where they can talk to people, but at the same time, this isn't an hourly / daily or even weekly occurance, maybe at most (if i was to average out) monthly, but it is something i want to stop as i know they switch off from listening and i need to look at a different way of parenting them - i am at present reading "happy kids, happy you" as i am realising as they are getting older i need to be able to help them communicate any worries / fears or dilemas they may come across and to help assisting them to (at times) come to their own conclusions on how best to tackle a situation.

and in answer to your question as to how many times this week i have "bollocked" my kids, then i would say "none" truefully. As previously stated, it's not a regular thing, i don't brow beat them but iy is something i am concious that on occasion i have done and i don't like it and wanted/wondered how to change it.