Really worried about my 11 year old son

[northcountrygirl]

Sorry - I also posted this elsewhere but realised that the board didn't get much traffic so have also posted here in the hope someone could offer advice.

I'm so worried about my son's behaviour - which has got progressively worse for (I would say) the last 6 months.

He was bullied quite badly at school about 3 years ago. The school were really good though and it got resolved pretty quickly. He was bullied again last year. The child that was bullying my son had a lot of problems at home and he was a "known" bully, so I fully believed my son and supprted him - again it was resolved.

This year he says he's being bullied again. From speaking to my son and questioning him a bit I honestly think he's causing a lot of the issues himself - ie "its six of one and half a dozen of another". He says that all the other boys (and some of the girls) are "picking on him". I know a fair few of the children he's saying are being mean. Some of them have been friends with him since reception, and I struggle to believe they've suddenly all turned against him after being such good friends. I personally think there is just a bit of good natured teasing and he's taking it all to heart and then getting angry and agressive with them (because of how he behaves at home). I've spoken to the school about this and they hadn't noticed a problem at alll and were really surprised when I mentioned it. I'm due to go in this week and catch up with his form teacher and head of year.

He's fallen out with so many of his friends. It all seems to be over extremely petty things and it's my son doing the "falling out". If someone "slights" him he just cuts them off - he won't forgive anything even when the other boy apologises. He now only had 3 friends at school (out of 120 children in his year).

At home I find him incredibly temperamental. He made me cry on Monday by saying some very hurtful things. He made his step mother literally sob yesterday. He was being very stroppy so his step mother snapped at him and raised her voice a bit (which is very out of character for her). She immediately apologised but my son said he wouldn't forgive her. I spoke to him about it last night and he honestly coudn't care less about her. I told him that she had been sobbing over the way he treated her and he just didn't accept this at all - he said she was making it up as he would have heard her if this was the case.

He upset his father too. His father has crohns and had a flair up this weekend so wasn't able to take the kids out. Normally, they go all over - out for walks, weekends away, bowling, cinema, laser quest etc etc. It's very rare for them to have a weekend at home. My son was really horrible to his Dad - all he seemed to care about was when his Dad would be well enough to take them out, rather than being concerned about how his Dad was feeling.

His step dad says he feels like he doesn't even want to talk to him anymore as everything gets taken out of context with my son generally flouncing off after slamming a few doors. My son is so rude and disrespectful towards him. It hasn't always been like this - they've never been particularly close but they did used to play chess together and would go ffor walks with the dog.

With me he can go from laughing, to shouting at me, to floods of tears in literally ten minutes.

I am the only person that he will really confide in and the only person he will ever show affection to. This has always been the case.

So, in summary, his father and I are mainly concerned about the following traits:

1. His complete lack of empathy
2. agressive and disrespectful behaviour
3. His social problems
4. His mood swings

His Dad is leaning towards thinking that we've spoilt him, whereas I'm more concerned that it's a mental health issue. There is a family history of mental health problems on both sides (dad has ocd and has suffered from depression in the past, I've had depression, hypermania and anxiety).

I've made an appointment with my GP but it's not for another 3 weeks as I wanted him to see a particular GP. I think I may make another appointment with a different GP in the practise as to be honest, he's getting worse.

reading the rest of this i think you should prepare yourself for him not having any specific sn. my nephew was very much like this at that age and still is in many ways now a few years on. he doesn't actually fit a dx though you'd think he was borderline many things and he has seen professionals to confirm this.

growing up he was the one of the children who would have a temper tantrum when he lost a game or someone beat him at something. he was the one who would rage that someone was not doing something properly or was cheating or being mean if things weren't going his way and he definitely lacked social finesse which caused him problems.

the lack of empathy was similar and seemed more of a refusal to see anothers point of view rather than an inability to do so with hindsight.

he's just like this. he's quite hard work, he likes to have his own way and can be very rude without even seeming to know/care he is being because when you challenge him on it he is all indignant 'what?' -ness.

just saying prepare yourself for their being nothing wrong because it can just be someone's character.

oh and to confirm what slambang says my nephew too is doing better in secondary school (after some settling in issues) than he did in primary where his social skills really did seem to hold him back. we've found things he's good at and enjoys, in particular music, and that has helped improve confidence and get him involved with others in an activity that is less focussed on social skills and more on 'doing'.