What do I do about this emotional abuse?

[Fulhamup]

Our 10th wedding anniversary is this year. It's fair to say that we've had some bad luck over the course of our marriage. Four years ago DH started being emotionally abusive and over the course of the last 4 years, this is what he has said to me,
My background is morally superior to yours
You come from rubbish
You are a rubbish wife
You were a vulnerable adult
At least we had a house (ref his superior childhood vs me from a background where my parents were divorced)
There is a piece of you missing
You?ve been damaged
I will tell the children never to get involved with anybody who comes from a divorced background
DS isn?t the son I wanted
He?s retarded
You?re deluded about DS
You?re a disgrace
You're unemployable

His career demands have meant that my career has hit the buffers and I am not currently working. Yesterday things reached a head and I asked him to make a commitment ever to say anything like this to me again. He agreed to most but said that telling me 'My background is morally superior to yours' and 'You've been damaged' (his parents stayed married whilst mine didn't) were simply statements of fact. We have 2 DC, 8 and 5.

I told him our marriage was over. I don't know what to do. I'm desperate. Any views/ thoughts? Anybody been through something like this?

You deserve love, respect and happiness. Try to regain a solid sense of your own worth.
Phone womens aid. www.womensaid.org.uk/
Be strong. Good luck.

Your husband sounds like an arsehole!

Someone who is supposed to love you shouldn't speak to you in this way, and if he really feels that way about you, why the hell is he still married to you?

If you want to try and work things out between you, then I would suggest counselling and trying to work out why on earth he feels that he has to belittle you for things that are totally out of your control anyway (your parents divorce is nothing to do with you).

His behaviour could lead to divorce, ironic much?

He's a self-entitled twat. You're not.

He deserves what he'll get. You deserve a lot better.

Visit www.womensaid.org.uk to locate your nearest branch and call them during usual office hours as the national helpline is frequently oversubscribed.

BTW, do it today because you and your dc are 'worth it', and because you're worth a fuck of a lot more than being denigrated and degraded by a 'man' who isn't worthy of the title.

Thanks so much MNers. I am sitting upstairs at the PC, he is in the kitchen and I can hardly face walking down the stairs of my own house. I cannot believe this is the point I have come to. The support means so much. Once the children are at school, I will call Women's Aid, there's a branch not far from me.

What would happen if you asked him to move out and let you and your children stay put? That way they are minimally affected until you both work out what to do for the best.

Oh sweetheart, he is an asshole isn't he. X

Call woman's aid and get out of there. Hopefully he'll go.

Oh my dh is far superior to me as his mother married (numerous times!) and his home was owned.

Good luck, we are all here thinking of you and there is a thread that we all post of for support of ea, part 7.

I found the list of insults you typed upsetting even to read. He sounds horrible, and also sounds like a nut. Go and see a solicitor pronto, find out your rights, financial and legal.

Ask your WA branch to recommend solicitors who specialise in divorce and family law and who offer a free initial half-an-hour consultaton, and please do come back here with updates or whenever you feel the need for company and support.

OK, we have some progress. I called the WA national helpline. What a great woman I spoke to as I could barely get the words out I was blubbing so much. I understand I could apply for an occupation order on the house so that me and DC could stay here. On the basis of limited research, I think I could summon enough evidence. H has only been violent once but in the scuffle I scraped and bruised my back and arm in several places on the door frame. I have photographs. Encouragingly, during another difficult discussion last night H has suggested we see a counsellor together, which I have obviously agreed to. I have also Amazoned the Lundy Bancroft book. H still unwilling to acknowledge more than the minimum of wong-doing on his part but I think has now grasped that I would call time on this marriage despite having spent the last 4 years trying to make it work. The thought of doing this to my DC makes me feel sick with fear. I am the product of a toxic divorce and cannot bear the thought of them going through what I went through - not least the thought of them having to put up with the sort of poinsonous step-mother I had (and still have). However, good news is that I have family support. They don't know much about how bad things are. In fact the only people who do know are you MNers. The Easter holidays start soon and I could take the children to stay with family for some cooling off. I have also squirrelled away some savings for just this eventuality.

A huge thanks again to all of you who know what it's like to go through every day hardly able to contain the tears.

Good luck Fulham.

I would take myself off for the whole of Easter and stay with family and leave him to it. Let them support you.

He sees Divorce as the greatest evil, yet he treats you like this? Very odd.

Just a warning that it is not recommended to have councilling with an abusive partner - i suspect he will use the councillor to back up his argument that the divorce has made you damaged, and that he is right. So I would agree to councilling, but individually, not together. He probably wont want that. Men like this who believe what they say, also believe that they will be able to charm the councillor round. It will just be another branch to beat you with 'even the councillor agreed that you are mad' rather than him accepting responsibility for his abusive behaviour. Please dont go with him.

DON'T repeat DON'T go to see a counsellor together. Couples counselling is disastrous, harmful and extremely unethical in an emotional abuse scenario. Not all counsellors however realise what they are dealing with straight away and what often happens is that the counsellor is 'used' by the abuser to make his/her victim feel worse. The victim then sees the abuse being validated by someone who is meant to be an objective, professional person and it compounds the abuse and worsens its effects.

DO however get some therapy on your own from someone who specialises in helping a person who has suffered emotional abuse. And do everything in your power to separate from your husband and get some breathing space from him, because this IS damaging not only you, but your children.

I almost pity him (except that he is a cunt and doesn't deserve pity) that he feels so bad about himself that he has to put you down to make himself feel better. He is a weak minded worm - but then you know this already. What i am trying to say, badly, is that this isn't about you and never ever was, its about his own insecurities.

YOU are not doing anything to your DC by instigating a divorce, apart from taken them out of a vile situation. My parents had a toxic relationship, but they stayed together, for my sake - i just wish they didn't. My Dad had an affair, my mum was just awful to him after that, ok, maybe he deserved it, but she never forgave him and spent the rest of his life punishing him for it. Problem was, I was stuck in the middle, it didn't matter to me who's fault it was, all i saw and heard was rows and bad feeling. It would have been better, for me, for them, in the long run if they had split. They loved each other desperately but were just so bad for each other its untrue. So please dont feel in any way guilty about ending this situation. Your children will be upset of course they will, but they will come through it and be happier for it. I now have to deal with the guilt of being the reason my parents were so unhappy and it stays with me. Had they moved on, we would have all been happy.

I'm glad that you have had good advice and have acted upon it, also that you have a good supportive family around you. He is probaby jealous of that too!

You have my respect and best wishes xx

well done for taking the steps you have already taken, but I have to repeat that joint counselling with an abuser is not recommended

I suppose you could go to counselling, but be prepared to leave and not go back, particularly if he uses it just to put you down even more.

He should never say those things to you and least of all to/about his own DC.

FWIW, it seems that he is the damaged partner. He certainly doesn't know how to respect you. Just because his parents stayed together, doesn't mean that they had a good marriage.
I can see it with my exPILs. Yes they are together, but I know she is not happy, and I know their example probably damaged ex.

It seems that you are in a good position, so it's probably best to leave now, even if temporarily.

Do not even consider going back unless he consistently shows that he has changed (if he ever does change).

If you go to counselling, bring a list of the issues that concern/upset you & how you want each of them resolved; this is to keep your priorities in front of you, in case he puts on an act in front of the counsellor. Hopefully, they will see through him. If the counsellor doesn't do it for you, walk out & phone WA for support. Sounds like WA were a gem!
You're moving in the right direction. Keep it up!

Well done OP Go to your family for Easter, tell him you want a separation and for him to be gone by the time you get back. Get yourself a ruddy good solicitor and as for the councilling, go by all means but NOT with him. Do it for you and you alone. Don't give him the chance to manipulate to any degree whatsoever.

Stay strong OP and I'm rooting or you.

Just in case it's not been shouted loudly enough..

DON'T ATTEND COUNSELLING WITH AN ABUSER!

It makes them worse, and they can manipulate an unskilled counsellor to working AGAINST you.

It's done, it's dusted. He CHOSE to mis-treat you. he could stop anytime, he won't though.

There really IS no salvation, not without IMMENSE sacrifices on his part, i.e he has to lose every molecule of support from all quarters, friends, family etc to then perhaps think he may have to entertain modifying his behaviour. It's pretty near to impossible. Lundy explains it better. Read and learn. Power and Control (how charming men make dangerous lovers) is also great.

Personally, if My ex of 10 years came back swearing he'd changed, I wouldn't believe him. It would take at least 10 years for him to prove to me that he has changed and who has that amount of time to waste on someone who has torn you to shreds in the past?

Once you are out of this, you WILL need counselling, but wait until you are on the light side. We'll be here for you every step of the way, so lean away, ask away and let us know what you need to get away from this man.

Your children will do better without this man in their day to day lives, at the moment they are witnessing the judgemental venom being spat all over you. They could grow up thinking this is normal. I applaud you for making it work this far. But you can't make him be nice to you.

Stay focussed, stay strong and don't be dissuaded from leaving him. No matter what gets thrown at you, you have to get out.

Unless he admits to assaulting you or the photos you've mentioned were taken by police/hospital staff or similar when you reported the incident, they can't be used as stand alone evidence of your h's violence.

Instead of worrying about what you may be doing to your dc by ending your marriage, start thinking about the harm that's already been done to them.

If he hasn't freely admitted that his odious opinions are not founded in fact and that he's got a problem, you can take it as read that his sudden offer to attend counselling is little more than tokenism designed to maintain the status quo of his self-entitlement.

No doubt he's worked out that he will be able to undermine and destablise you even more by presenting himself as the 'reasonable' party who is willing to do anything to save his marriage.

It's a load of bollocks because men like him never change their deep-rooted conviction that they are always 'right' and he won't take kindly to you attempting to get out from under the tyranny of his abusive ways.

Take a break with your dc and book an appointment with a solicitor who specialises in divorce and family law and who offers a half an hour consultation for your return.

If you choose to attend joint counselling with this twat you'll be playing into his hands. By working out his game plan in advance you may stand some chance of giving him a run for his money by holding your own, but you should be prepared to bail after the first session if he runs true to form.