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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I feel so guilty...

19 replies

Sam1973 · 25/03/2012 22:01

I have been with my husband for 11 years and we have 2 beautiful children.

I have been desperately unhappy for the last 3 years, and finally found the courage in Jan to end it. I really couldnt take any more and i just dont love him. We did try marriage counselling last year, which worked for a while but it wasnt long before everything went back to normal.

Anyway i said he could stay until he sorted something out, he has a house now and he is getting help to furnish it but it is taking some time.

Anyway, he is already under the doctor as he suffers from Combat Stree, he has just told me tonight that they have put him on suicide watch!!

I feel so bad cos i feel this is my fault, but i really couldnt spend the rest of my life with someone who i really dont love anymore, but then i think i am being selfish...

He is really difficult to live with, extremely defensive, shouts at me and the kids all the time.

i just dont know what to do......am i a bad person? :(

OP posts:

Uglymush · 25/03/2012 22:04

This isn't your fault. It takes 2 to make a marriage work, both of you working together. It sounds like you both grow apart, that happens. If he has combat stress then that's most certainly not your fault. You can't stay with someone out of pity it only makes things worse in the long term.

You are not a bad person

tobeheard · 25/03/2012 22:08

No, you are not a bad person OP. You are entitled to be happy and if the person you are with no longer makes you happy and you find the whole situation difficult to live with and you no longer love him, then it's understandable that you want to end the relationship. That doesn't make it wrong or you bad. The fact that he is suffering from combat stress (I presume that's what you mean to type) is not a reason for you to stay because you will be sacrificing your own happiness.

You tried marriage counselling, which is to be commended, so you can feel strong in the knowledge that you aren't just throwing the relationship away without having tried really hard to save it.

Please don't blame this all on yourself. It takes two people to create a situation. By the sounds of it he obviously has many issues which have affected not only him but you and your children.

All you can do is try and be as kind as you can, but carry on with your plans.

Original poster

Sam1973 · 25/03/2012 22:12

What really gets to me is he knows that my own mother committed suicide when i was 2 and the affect that has had on me, how could he even think of doing it to his own children??? What if he does it??

OP posts:

UnhappyLizzie · 25/03/2012 22:14

I know how you feel. I am ending my marriage but we are still under the same roof at the moment. It's not what he wants and it's awful. But uglymush is right, people grow apart. Not one person is 'responsible'. Some people have told me I have done a brave thing ending it. I don't feel like that, but like you I felt I didn't have a choice. I would also have used the expression 'desperately unhappy' to describe how I have felt in my marriage too.

Staying together 'for the sake of the kids' is out of date; children need happy parents. Your husband (and mine) may be unhappy now, but time heals, and things will get better. Alternative is worse - carrying on flogging a dead horse, it won't and can't improve, you are desperately unhappy. Eventually it will end anyway. No one can be 'desperately unhappy' forever.

UnhappyLizzie · 25/03/2012 22:16

Just seen your last post. Do you have friends as a couple who can help support him? Or can you ask his family for help?

Original poster

Sam1973 · 25/03/2012 22:19

His family are a waste space to be honest, they just dont care about him at all. We do have friends and I was thinking of contacting Combat Stress to tell them of my concerns? But dont know if he will be upset more by me doing that. To be honest i just want him out of the house ASAP, as im sure you do in your situation as well

OP posts:

awbless · 25/03/2012 22:26

You have got to take care of yourself and your children.

He is an adult and he is not your responsibility. He clearly has problems and if he is contemplating suidice then he is not in the right mind to think of the repercussions, so he wont be thinking what it will do to the children - he'll be thinking they are better off without him.

If he is not contemplating it and just saying it too make you feel guilty, then he clearly still has a problem. |However, none of these problems atre yours - they're his.

Look after you and your children - do what is best for you all.

Original poster

Sam1973 · 25/03/2012 22:38

Thanks everyone, awbless you made me cry. The sensible side of me already knew this, i think i just needed someone else to say it xxx

OP posts:

Diggs · 26/03/2012 10:52

What on earth is suicide watch ? Has the gp actually taken some action , got him support or medication , or are these just words that your H is saying ?

He has no right to attempt to manipulate you into feeling sorry for him , , that on its own is a reason to be 100 per cent certain that your doing the right thing .

bobblesmama · 26/03/2012 11:02

The only thing that you have to do in order to be put on ' suicide watch ' is tell your gp or cpn (or relevant mhp) that you want to kill yourself....that's it. It doesn't have to be true.

Its a very horrible thing to do to you. He did not need to tell you. Keep that in mind x

cestlavielife · 26/03/2012 11:55

he told you? "he has just told me tonight that they have put him on suicide watch!!"

unless you hearing it directly from his MH profresisonals then think of it as him trying to make you feel guilty.

and frankly if "they" have him on suicide watch then is "their" responsibility - certainly not ours. if they really have him on a watch what does that mean? they have him in hospital or what?

shoul he do anything i would be his choice. if what he is saying is true then the profressionals know and are doing what they can. he is on a watch from them - you are not required to do this . nothin you can do.

call combat stress or his GP if you concerned - give his name number address and tell them what he has told you. and yes go behind his back if needs be to set your mind at rest. this is about you feelign the need to do seomthing.

if he finds out and resents it well tough.

cestlavielife · 26/03/2012 11:56

not your responsibility

thebighouse · 26/03/2012 12:09

I agree that it sounds as though he is being a manipulative shit (sorry). What does he mean by 'suicide watch' - he sounds like he is making it up.

I am in the same boat - I left three months ago. DH is now suicidal. It's REALLY HARD not to take responsibility for that, but I know that his mental health is only his responsibility. I take responsibility for my mental health and he needs to do the same.

Besides which, if I'd stayed (and probably you too) it would be US going mad because these men were not NICE to us and did not create a relationship where we were happy and thrived.

If they had really loved us in the first place (which is why they claim they are so broken-hearted) then they would not have shouted and been horrible. They would have treated us well. Shouting is not how you show someone you love them. It's how you treat someone like shit.

Be strong - we will get through this. xxx

thebighouse · 26/03/2012 12:11

p.s. and no you are NOT a bad person. If you were a bad person you would not CARE how he feels! You are a good person because you are worrying about his feelings. He is NOT a good person because if he was, he wouldn't be dumping his emotional crap on you.

Your feelings of worry show what a good person / friend and mother you are. That's a natural caring reaction. But nonetheless, it is not your responsibility to fix it.

Lueji · 26/03/2012 16:16

FWIW, I fully agree that you should not trust what he said. Only if coming from a mental health professional and even so... they will act on what he tells them.

Don't feel guilty and do the best for yourself and the children.

My ex threatened to kill himself on a phone conversation for more than 30 min, at the end of which I told him that I was switching off the phone and I did.
I had my psychologist sister with me at the time. :o
Most people who threaten to kill themselves, don't actually go through it. It's just a call for attention or emotional blackmail.

I actually had a Uni colleague (she was not a close friend) who did commit suicide, and she had a heart to heart with me a few days earlier. With hindsight I can see the signs, but she never mentioned suicide thoughts or anything that might alert anyone except perhaps mental health professionals.

Ex, on the other hand, was open about it, even though he didn't usually really open himself. Here, with hindsight again, I think it was used as a control tool. As it seems to be in your case.

I hope this helps you get some perspective on it.

He knows (I presume) that your mother committed suicide and will know that the thought of it affects you. I bet that your mother didn't really tell anyone that she had suicidal thoughts.

Original poster

Sam1973 · 26/03/2012 22:11

Thank you all so much for your support , i have been in bits all day. Lueji, ues he does know my mother killed herself, and no she didnt tell anyone as far as i know she just did it. She was pregnant at the time as well. Thats been an issue for me all my life.

the bighouse, i agree its really hard hope we both get through it. Ending it is the hadrdest thing i have ever done and he knows the decision wasnt taken lightly but i am fed up of being made to feel that i am a crap person. luckily i have good friends who tell me im not

OP posts:

Original poster

Sam1973 · 26/03/2012 22:12

He isnt in hospital , i told my friend today and she thinks he is making up as well, i think he is getting desparate and clutching at straws now...

OP posts:

Original poster

Sam1973 · 28/03/2012 21:03

Well , i have told him today that i want him to leave next week while the kids are away with thier grandad for a few days, whether or not he leaves is another matter..................

OP posts:

bobblesmama · 28/03/2012 21:14

If the mental health team were feeling any doubt about his being suicidal he would be in a psychiatric unit either voluntarily or sectioned and would be put on one to one observations.

This would mean that he would have a mental health nurse or mental health nursing assistant watching him 24 hours a day including while he sleeps or uses bathroom etc in order to manage the risk.

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