head against wall!!

[IAmBooyhoo]

i'm at my parents' house. we go on sundays for dinner. i try to avoid coming as often as i can get away with but my dcs like seeing their grandparents so here we are.

dcs have been outside playing all day. they are grubby. during dinner i said to ds1 (6) that he'll have to have good scrub in the tub when we get home. my mother was sitting right beside me and said "let me see your hands, eugh, filthy, yes you'll definitely need a bath".

roll on to 2 minutes ago. dcs are back outside playing and my mum comes into the room, putting something away and says "Booyhoo, those boys will definitely need a bath this evening" but with an almost warning sort of tone and far too serious a tone for the subject, not looking at me just saying it as she was putting away. I, (well used to this telling me how to raise my dcs), replied "i'm well aware of how to care for my children thank you" not sarcastic, just matter of fact. and she says "dont be cheeky". i said "excuse me?" (i knew rightly what she said, it's her answer to everything i say that questions her 'rightness') she repeated "dont be cheeky" but louder and with more emphasis on 'dont' like warning a child not to push her patience. i said "i am an adult" but she was already walking away and pulled the door behind her. no response.

i hate coming here. i cant keep doing it when faced with this everytime. this is minor compared to other stuff. she undermines me every time i discipline my children. she treats me like a child. i can't take it. i have tried in the past to speak to her and tell her what she does but it is the same response "dont be cheeky, i'm trying to look out for you. would you rather i didn't care. i try to help you and you throw it back in my face" she doesn't get it.

this morning she sent me a text saying that if we had no plans she would come and get the dcs so they could get some fresh air. (i dont live in an underground house, we have a garden and my ds1 plays out the front with other children) she seems to think it was beyond my abilities to take my dcs outside!

what do i do. i can't confront her or sit her down and talk. she will have none of it. i know she cares but this is too much. it's horrible. i hate being here but i dont want to keep my dcs from their grandparents.

Stop going

If she makes you this miserable, then you need to start decreasing contact. You aren't depriving your children of their grandparents. She is be being so rude and unkind.

Make plans for next Sunday which don't involve her: like a picnic or the zoo or a film. Don't tell her or the children. Then have your fun day out.

don't go anymore, she sounds painful.

i have been steailt decreasing it. we use to go every firday evening and every sunday. now it's about 2 sundays a month. she'll text asking if i will be out that evening. when i say no she asks why not. i tell her we have plans or are just eating at home or the dcs need an early night etc. sometimes she'll 'pop in' to check up on us saying that she had to be in the area for some reason or another. its never ok for us just not to come. she makes says she worries about us and has to make sure we are ok. we are bloody ok we just want to be able to do what we want on sundays without her implying that there's something wrong if we do it. if i tell her straight either in a message or on the phone or face to face why we're not coming she will reject all i say, tell me it's not fair on the dcs, that i am denying them a relationship with her (i really dont want to do this. they love going there). she wouldn't accept what i was saying, she would be able to spin it so that it was my issue rather than anything she is doing.

can DCs go without you for an hour or 2 sometimes?, if you can bear the martyred..".I've done this, this and this when you go to collect"

yes i think it will have to become like that, not sure how i will get out of staying for dinner without a row though. i think i'm just going to have say it straight "i dont want to stay" but i know she wont let that away without questioning which will mean telling her why and her rejecting it all again. i'm just going to have to keep repeating it and then staying away rather than justifying it.

oh i've just realised my thread title could be interpreted as DV. so sorry about that. i didn't mean to alarm anyone. just felt like i was banging my head against a wall at that moment in time.

Dsis has just texted me saying that Dmum had a go at her after i left, using exactly the same "cheeky" line when dsis informed her that she had given Dsis wrong directions to somewhere she needs to be tomorrow. she told dsis that she has an attitude and needs her mouth broke (i can just picture my mum saying this, she has said it to me before) dsis is 24 not a teenager or a child! how dare she speak to her like that. dsis says it always happens after i leave.

blush

I'm 26 and I thought it was a bit cheeky.

TBH I wouldn't go and I wouldn't want my children to be around her.

dont you think it is 'cheeky' of her to imply the thought hadn't occured to me to bath my children? this is just one example, she does this constantly. everything i do is judged and commented on. everything to do with my dcs is "you should do X" "you should do Y" etc etc as if i haven't the brain cells to know what i should do with my children. like thsi evening when we left. ds1 is collecting money for charity as part of a school appeal. dmum asked him how much was in it and he told her the amount but said "mummy had to take a pound out yesterday" which i did, i had to borrow a pound for his football as i had no cash in the house. my mum but on a very worried face and said "why did you take his money?" as if i had actually stolen it. it made me feel guilty and like i had to justify myself to her. (i will be paying ds back)

kayano how would you have responded to the 'bath the dcs' comment if you were in my shoes without making it seem to her as if you are grateful for her helpful suggestion?

the comment she said to my sister has really put me off taking them back. it's getting to a point where it is abusive. i dont want them hearing that or even worse, her speaking to them like that! (she never has but if she thinks it's ok to speak to her DD like that why wouldn't she through time speak to my dcs like that)

Oh my goodness IAmBooyhoo, this is the exact thing my MIL does. It absolutely drives me nuts! I completely feel your pain, it's THE most annoying thing ever. (Can you tell we have seen her today?)

Frankly, I wouldn't bother trying to point out the error of her ways. You've already done that; she's already demonstrated her lack of interest in your pov.

When she said you'd have to bath the kids, I would have replied "Yes, I shall" very mildly. When she gave me wrong directions, I wouldn't 'humiliate' her with that information, I'd just keep schtumm. This is 'humouring' her, with detachment.

I know it's bloody hard to do when you've got all those triggers bearing her thumb-print, I've been through it with my own mum! I've also reduced contact - you're already doing that effectively, so it's basically a matter of defusing the triggers.

It does allow you to do the internal eye-roll, which is good for your psyche

She might - just might - keep trying different buttons if you step out of your 'snippy daughter' role, but that remains to be seen. Her own rationale is doubtless something like "I need to feel involved" so, by blandly accepting her remarks at face value, you won't be denying her that.

you could be on to something garlic. for the time being i need to be away from her. right now i feel like i just dont want to be around her at all but i know that is just anger at what happened with my dsis.

do you think she might be doing it for that reaction from me or is it totally innocent on her part that she really doesn't see how patronising and insulting it is to suggest to a mother that she should bath her children, or imply that she would steal her children's money?

I honestly don't know, Booy. Some people just get into a habit of being critical and don't notice how negative it is. Some have a compulsion to poke away at certain people (I'd say my mother's one) and some are plain crazy nutcase control freaks!

When you defuse her antics, you'll be able to see whether she tries to keep on picking - for a reaction - or considers her job done anyway. Post back so we can all have a go at analysing

i will do. can't promise that it will be any time soon though as i dont intend to put myself back on her plate for some time. at least until i can trust myself to let it go over my head.

Your poor dm has to have something to worry about occupy her mind for a few nanoseconds otherwise she doesn't feel that she's discharging her duty as a parent or grandparent.

To be brutally honest, you do sound a tad confrontational when responding to your dm and I woud suggest you go with garlic, tone it down, and don't rise to the bait.

Just agree with her; 'gosh, yes, well-spotted ma, ds sure is dirty', 'you're absolutely right, he's going in the tub as soon as we get home', and turn some things into a joke 'yep, reckon the school will have me in court for nicking a £ out of ds's collection box to put in the supermarket trolley' etc.

Sometimes we don't just parent our dc, we parent our parents too...

I am soooo feeling your pain Booy - my mum is virtually identical to yours in the thinking I'm incapable of looking after DD. She will text me in the morning to remind me to make sure she has the right coat/scarf/gloves etc for instance and if we try and reorganise our regular visiting day it's like the sky has caved in.

DH has taken DD to a gig this afternoon/evening about 40 miles away. So far I've had 3 texts, an email and 3/4 phone calls.

I think sometimes the way they phrase things doesn't help. My mum's favourite expression is, "You want to blah blah blah...."

No, I don't - I'm 37 years old - I know exactly what I want to do and that isn't it.

I do love my mum dearly but she is such hard work I feel like tearing my hair out at times.

Sorry - not helpful, but sympathetic at least...

Izzy my view on this is her mother thinks she's the parent lots of grandparents do this mine where the same undermining absolutely every little thing even coming into my home and ordering me about.

"undermining absolutely every little thing even coming into my home and ordering me about."

exactly this!. my mum will come into my house and will walk round looking into rooms. jsut standing in the doorway and looking round the room and then say something like "this room could be so nice" (all the rooms were painted less than a year ago by my landlord, there is nothing wrong with them) and underming me with my children. if i discipline them she tells me infront of them that i am too hard on them but if i let some behaviorus slide she will sigh in despair and say something like "i dont know what you're going to do with those boys, something needs to be done" (they are just normal children, normal excitedness levels, normal sulking when not allowed a second biscuit etc)

izzy you are right. i am confrontational sometimes. but without sounding like a cliche, i have tolerated thsi for so long i am tired of it. i dont know if you have expereince of it but i can't explain how frustraing it is to be a normal person, parenting everyday and doing a good job only to made to feel like a 7 year old who is playing house by another woman. i literally feel like i have been catapulted back to my childhood when she speaks to me like that and i dont think i should have to take it. i am going to keep my distance for a while and when i feel ready to go back i think i will just ignore as much as i can of it. maybe if she is getting no response at all to it she will start to wonder why?