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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

torn

15 replies

Xabian · 25/03/2012 19:22

I am a childminder and work from home

I have 3 children and have been married for 13years

My h is a lazy, selfish man but the children adore him
how do I leave?

I could lose my home, my business and my children ( who are my world). The only reason I stay is because of the children (which is wrong, I know)

Where would I begin?
I have tried talking to h and I have told him how unhappy I am. He promises to help mire with the children and house but it lasts for a couple of weeks and then I am back to square one again

OP posts:
Rowbot · 25/03/2012 20:05

Does your husband realise that you are considering leaving for good?

You are worried you may lose your children, but are you not the main carer? Would your husband be likely to want to fight for as much as 50:50 access?

Sorry you are unhappy, surely it is better though for your DCs to have happy positive parents even if they are separated.

Not a childminder so not aware of the ins and outs but is it difficult if you had to move (why shouldn't he?) to transfer your childminding premises?

Original poster
Xabian · 27/03/2012 11:29

I am the main carer but h and ds1 are very close so I will "lose" him. The other children will probably want to stay with me

The house will be sold and split as neither of us could afford it by ourselves which is why I could also lose my business

At the moment I live in a beautiful house (with a large Garden and swimming pool)). I will only be able to afford a small flat or a small house in a not so nice part of town which may put off families seeking childcare

Why is life so hard? I just want to be happy instead of crying all of the time

OP posts:
Original poster
Xabian · 31/03/2012 13:33

If you were me, where would you begin?
I have told h several times how unhappy I am but he is happy so doesn't care
How will my children cope with everything?

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 31/03/2012 13:51

In your shoes I would talk to a solicitor or CAB and get some information on your legal position in the event of a split. If you don't already have savings, start putting some money aside. People seeking good quality childcare look at the standard of the carer primarily, not the lavishness of the accommodation. Once you have all the information to hand, make a plan about what happens next (factoring in that he probably won't take you seriously to begin with) and then talk to your husband.

corriefan · 31/03/2012 13:56

How is he lazy and selfish? Just wondering because it sounds like he earns a lot which doesn't come from sitting around. The fact that the children adore him means he must do things with them. Is it the housework he doesn't help with? Is he abusive?

Original poster
Xabian · 31/03/2012 14:05

I am the main earner and have been for at least half if our marriage ( before that we earned a similar amount)
The more I earned the less he earned.....his business wasn't terribly successful and he is slowly (4 years on) trying to build another business.
He works about 10 - 20 hours a week and spends the rest if his time playing/watching football and playing games online
I get the children up and off to school. It is easy as I childmind so can fit school runs in around work.
I do all of the laundry, cooking, shopping, housework and am responsible for paying for everything.
I am sick and tired of it. I can't leave the messes he makes as I need the house safe for the childminded children and babies.

OP posts:
Original poster
Xabian · 31/03/2012 14:08

Ds1 adores him but our other children don't spend .much time with him as they're not into football

OP posts:
Original poster
Xabian · 31/03/2012 14:15

I can't afford to buy him out of the house and if ds1 chooses to love with his dad ( which I think he will), then we both need a home for the children in our care.
Even if all of our children choose to live with me my h will need somewhere to live so the house will still need to be sold off. He would never go into rented as we have too much collateral in the house and therefore he would insist the hiuse be sold and split. I am hoping for 50% of the house and then nothing else. if I can keep my business, I can easily support myself and the children. I don't know if he could though

OP posts:
fiventhree · 31/03/2012 14:26

I would sort out in your head whether you want to stay with him or not, eg if he contributed more . ie do you love him and does the relationship ever make you happy?

If the answer is yes, I suggest Relate, as there are major issues here between you re equality, respect, withdrawal, selfishness etc. He may not want to go, but I bet anything he will if it is a deal breaker for you, and it may well turn things around.

If the answer is no, then you do need to think about getting firm legal advice, as alot of what you have is conjecture. If you run a business from the house, you may well get to keep it, at least for some years. I understand that courts do not tend to separate children, they are very much against this, so you would likely get to keep them.

If he agrees to help more but relapses after a couple of weeks- my h did this for years- then his heart isnt in it, and he will not change without a big shock. Mine did, but then he did get one.

fiventhree · 31/03/2012 14:29

Re your latest post- it is not the case that he can force a sale if you keep the kids. He can be made to agree to rent and wait for his share of the money when they are grown. The house money, and often the house itself in the remaining child years, tends to follow the partner who has the kids, my solicitor told me.

fiventhree · 31/03/2012 14:31

And if you split, you have joint financial responsibility for the children, according to income. But you would have no responsibility for him per se- so he would have to get a job or build his business instead of watching telly.

AnyFucker · 31/03/2012 15:08

This is horrible, OP. How old are your own dc ? Does he not help you with them at all, despite doing very little else productive with his time ?

Original poster
Xabian · 31/03/2012 18:44

He plays football with ds1 but does very little with or for the other 2. This week our youngest was in a school play (2 nights that happens once a year). I went the first night as h and ds1 were at football. I asked h the next night if he would go as I needed to take our eldest to her friends. He replied "No,I am not going to sit through something that I would find boring". Ds2 was upset (as you might imagine - he is 8).he took our dd (aged13) her friends house and then went to football with ds1 (aged 11).
I don't know if I love him. I don't like how he treats me or the children. i want us to all be happy but i don't think that will happen if we stay together as he will just carry on taking me for granted. i don't want my children thinking it is normal for one parent to take on everything while the other does very little -physically, emotionally and financially

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 31/03/2012 18:58

Have you posted about this man before, OP? Can you link it, if so?

The way he treats his children differently is appalling.

AnyFucker · 31/03/2012 19:02

that is awful, xabian, fancy making an 8yo feel so fucking small !

your husband sounds like an entitled dickhead, with a good measure of cocklodging selfishness thron in there too

I don't like how he treats you all either...perhaps he should fuck off and play xbox all by his little self

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