Please bear with me this is a very long post, but I need to be brutally honest so you get the whole picture. Not sure if it's in the right place. Have name changed too. Any and all advice taken, good or bad....
I'm in love with a work colleague. He is the complete opposite of me, extroverted, funny, popular, drop dead gorgeous I could go on. We have the same taste in music and the same sense of humour. He knows I love him, and we are (currently) good friends, albeit friends with benefits.
I want more, not a full on relationship where he moves in, but more if that makes sense?
We became friends by chance, and from there we texted, emailed, and then on his birthday went away for the night to a show and stayed in a hotel - nothing happened, we were both too drunk and both of us admitted later we didn't want to take advantage of the other. From there we met several times for kisses etc - but not full sex.
Between Christmas and New Year we arranged to stay in a hotel and had sex, we talked and had more sex. But then he had a call and had to go home because of family issues. I'd already had a drink, for Dutch courage, and had a few more when he left. I then decided to go into town and catch up with some friends and got extremely drunk.
Whilst I was there I bumped into an ex. This ex and I have a bad history. I'm a single mum to 2 boys, 15 and 6. The ex is my 6yo father. He hasn't seen his son in over 4 yrs because he is an alcoholic and the last time he had access he placed our son in danger, repeatedly. The ex was angry that I hadn't replied to the texts he had sent in the last couple of months saying his mum was dying and they wanted to see my 6yo (she wasn't). I walked away, and got a taxi back to the hotel. Cutting a long story short, he followed me and because I was drunk I let him in the room thinking he was the receptionist again (I'd been at reception asking for breakfast then had to back because I'd left my bag there).
After asking him to leave he hit me, kicked me, then when I wouldn't respond, he raped me. Finally he left, and I spent the night scrubbing myself clean in the bath. The next morning I attempted suicide with vodka and pills. I couldn't go through with it; I just kept seeing my boy's faces. I made myself sick and phoned my GP, who told me to go there straight away. I couldn't drive so rang my friend (who I'd been with the night before) and asked him to pick me up. He saw I was in a mess and all I would tell him was I'd tried to commit suicide and needed to go to the GP. Shocked as he was he took me and although he wanted to stay with me I told him to leave.
I was sent by the GP to A&E and seen by a psych nurse, but I couldn't tell her why I wanted to kill myself, I was too embarrassed and ashamed to tell her about the rape. Because of my recent medical history - 2 major ops in 2 years, my weight (I'm morbidly obese) and not dealing with the fractious relationship I had with my mum before she died 15 years ago - she put it down to various factors and referred me to the Community Action Team who said I could home as I wasn't a threat to myself or my boys, but they visited me for the next 5 days.
In the New Year I returned to work, and rapidly went downhill. My friend understandably distanced himself from me; he later said he thought he was the reason I'd taken an overdose. I was prescribed Sertraline, which made me numb, so after a week I saw my GP who prescribed Venlafaxine, but I didn't take any, I needed to think clearly as I'd made mistakes in work, noticeable ones. I saw my GP again to arrange a termination - I'm certain it was the ex's as he hadn't used anything.
Then I miscarried. Everything collapsed around me. My friend in work saw me in tears in the corridor after I'd spoken to the GP who said it sounded like I had miscarried. He took me back into my office and after I told him I was miscarrying he asked if it was his, and I said no and told him about my ex attacking me in the hotel. He was angry at me for not going to the police; he couldn't understand why I couldn't because of my son. He hugged me and tried to calm me down. He spoke to my boss who said I was to go home.
The termination clinic confirmed I'd had a full miscarriage - I was told to go there because I couldn't be seen by the EPA unit until after that appointment.
Since then, my boss has asked for a medical report because she doesn't think I should be in work. My friend and I occasionally meet for sex. I'm still a mess. I feel like I'm 2 people, 1 who is happy, hyper, the normal me, who is rediscovering herself - I've had my tongue pierced, gotten my sons names tattooed on my wrists, and I'm having a few more next week. The other me, is maudlin, cries all the time and doesn't function at all.
My GP wants me to try the Venlafaxine again, so I've taken them for about a week, but I feel like I've taken Ecstasy for an hour, then I'm on a downer for 23 hours. I'm not sleeping properly and making more mistakes in work. Im seeing a counsellor, but I can't tell her. I can't tell my best friend, the only person I can talk to about this is my friend from work, and although he listens, I know I'm pushing him away.
One minute I'm texting him saying I love him, the next what tattoo should I get next, then rude jokes and arranging to meet for sex. I know we will only ever be friends with benefits, but my heart is breaking because I love him.
I'm the happy Lou when I'm with him or my boys, but the maudlin Lou with anyone else, including work colleagues who are annoyed and upset, but I can't tell them why I've changed. They just see me as erratic, flirting with male colleagues I've barely spoken to before, and having 'severe mental health issues' (I discovered this after accessing my personnel file and found an email in there from my boss saying that). I know I should give the anti depressants longer than a few days to work, get into my system. But I'm scared of making more mistakes in work and losing my job. What do I do about everything?