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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

To tell my best friend that her husband is potentially having another affair??

34 replies

chasingtail · 25/03/2012 12:39

Stuck between a rock and a hard place here.....
To cut a very long and sordid story short, my best friend discovered a year ago that her OH of 20 years had been having a 2 year affair with a woman he met through some online chat room. After coming and going several times over the next 6 months he finally left (rather than being thrown out!) and it seemed like the marriage was finally over. The teenage children although distraught seemed to be coping reasonably well & the family were moving forward as a threesome.
During this period my BF told me a whole raft of intimate details about their marriage, which quite frankly, would make me want to run a mile, but hey, ho, each to their own.
Anyway, 2 weeks ago I got a call from her saying her husband had turned up at the house, professing undying love, & apologies, saying that the other relationship was over & asked if he could come back. Staggeringly, not only did she agree, she had also shipped him back home by the next day!! No taking it slowly, no counselling, let's just sweep this all under the carpet. kids are understandably livid, especially the eldest who is in the middle of GCSEs.
So here we are now... BF is thinking he is a changed man, all can be forgiven under the label of 'mid life crisis' blah blah. However rightly or wrongly I have been checking out his Twitter account & it is embarrassingly obvious that he is 'online flirting' with several women. IMO even if nothing physical is happening, given his history you'd think that if he was sincere in his intentions re. the marriage, Twittering like this would be the last thing he should be doing??
Part of me feels I have a duty to at least ask my friend if she has seen his Twitter page but my OH thinks I should take a back seat & just be there when it all comes crashing down again (of which he is quite convinced!).
Gah, what to do... I just want my friend to be happy but cannot quite beleive her lack of self worth/self respect.

OP posts:
shinecrazydiamond · 25/03/2012 12:40

If you were my best friend I would like the heads up.

AKissIsNotAContract · 25/03/2012 12:42

I'd tell her. Twitter is hardly private, you haven't snooped around to find it. It's out there for everyone to see.

Charbon · 25/03/2012 12:57

Tell her and better still, show her.

Fairyloo · 25/03/2012 13:16

Why are you checking his twitter?

You have no real evidence he sounds like a shit but until she eventually realises she won't take a blind bit of notice of you.

I had to learn the hard way and was in so much denial even if I had seen it myself I wouldn't have believed it

Tricky one

ionysis · 25/03/2012 13:19

Tell her. She will likely brush it under the rug again but at least you know you did what you could.

DialMforMummy · 25/03/2012 13:25

I think you should show her what you saw, and let her draw get own conclusions. If she does not want to see what seems obvious, leave it.

Original poster
chasingtail · 25/03/2012 13:52

thanks for your thoughts. I must admit my gut tells me to show her but my head tells me to leave it & let her find out for herself; afterall what real evidence do i have & she may not thank me.
Fairyloo, you are very wise. Ironically the only reason I am looking at his Twitter is because my friend drew my attention to it in the first place when his shenanigans originally all came out!!! I can therefore only think that either she dare not now allow herself to look at his Tweets or she has seen them but is buried up to her neck in denial!!! Hmm
To top it all she said they has some elablorate ceremony last night to put their wedding rings back on Angry !!

OP posts:
Charbon · 25/03/2012 14:15

Just show her the evidence and let her reach her own conclusions then. Don't apply a value judgement about it unless she asks for one. That then discharges your responsibility in the matter.

HoudiniHissy · 25/03/2012 15:03

Love, I think if it were me, if I were your BF, I'd need to know. I'd not WANT to know, but this is where NEED trumps want. If he's shagging about, she is at risk of disease etc.

If it all DOES blow up in her face again and she finds out you had knowledge of it... it'll hit harder.

Twitter was his MO the last time? then it's clear form and if he were committed to the whole deal, the rings and what have you, he'd recognise the errant behaviour and at least temper it.

To be forewarned is to be forearmed... so show her the tweets. Don't forget he'll likely be DMing too, which is likely to be more revealing, if she can get into his logged in twitter page, she'll see if there is MORE to add to the stuff the whole world is seeing.

Charliebigpotatoes · 25/03/2012 20:35

If it was me I'd have to say something and show her the tweets. If it all comes out and she finds out you knew she won't be able to trust you fully again, I know this from personal experience. It could ruin your friendship.
By the sounds of things she's good at burying her head in the sand so be prepared for her not to take your words on board.
I know this is tough but really I think you need to say something Sad

aurynne · 25/03/2012 20:39

What exactly stops your friend from reading the twits herself?

NotaDisneyMum · 25/03/2012 20:46

Or his DCs? What a git! I'd tell her, if only to make her aware of the impact on the DCs - she may not care, but they will Sad

Original poster
chasingtail · 26/03/2012 11:51

Wow, overwhelming support to tell her! Honestly thought that most posters wuld tell me to keep quiet & wait till it all comes crashing down again. Have looked at his Twitter again today & he is contacting the same woman several times a day, convo of which seems relatively innocent, but can see the underlying flirting. How can this man be so deceitful & how can BF be so naive??? Angry.
Unfortuantely we live 3 hours apart so not as if I can pop round to have tactful heart to heart but am planning to visit them next week (awkward, much?!!) for her 40th birthday. Do I tell & spoil everything or wait till after?
Disney, you are right on the money re, the DCs - he is such a dick if he thinks they can't also see what he's up to!

OP posts:
Charbon · 26/03/2012 12:08

I think I'd phone her and tell her what you've seen now and say you felt there was some urgency because of the possibility of her children finding it. Then I'd suggest that when you visit, you go out somewhere to celebrate on your own while her husband looks after his children.

ohdearwhatdoidonow · 26/03/2012 12:10

Tell her to join twitter and follow him and just say you are uncomfortable with what you've seen

Wrenner · 26/03/2012 12:21

What's he said?

Original poster
chasingtail · 26/03/2012 12:42

Charbon.. fortuatously (SP??) enough, last time he buggered off I organised for the 2 of us to go on a spa break on her birthday, so yes, he will be looking after his children regardless!!

The Tweets take general line of
her " should have taken advantage of extra hour when clocks changed"
him "I can think of few ideas next time it happens"
him "Will keep tuned to see what you're planning".....
her "in pub garden having drink"
him "get one in for me"
her "sorry had to finish your drink. you took too long"
her"promise I'll save you one for next time"............
her "you're too funny, stop making me laugh"

So what do you think?? Am sure he will have have justified all this as harmless "Twitter banter" but should a married man who has all this history be even engaging in these conversations???

This is just one of the many women he has been tweeting, but this is the most prevalent one. There are also other half conversations which I can't see the detail of.

Gawd I look like a right cyber stalker! Knew nothing about Twitter before all this kicked off! Getting quite an education!!

OP posts:
Kaluki · 26/03/2012 12:43

You have to tell her.
She is your best friend. Your loyalty lies with her.
If she doesn't like it at first she may shoot the messenger but in the end she will thank you for your honesty.
(I've been in this situation, I told my friend, she didn't believe me and we fell out, I left her to it, he shat all over her as I had warned her and she turned up on my doorstep at midnight one night in tears with a suitcase. We are still best of friends and we are closer than ever!)

Charbon · 26/03/2012 12:53

Goodness me this woman laughs easily if that drivel has her rolling in the aisles.....perhaps her dad was Benny Hill? Confused

Yes it's flirting and it's disrespectful. Tell her, take her out and massively inconvenience this twunt in the process.

tadpoles · 26/03/2012 12:54

I think this is insane - why are you getting involved, he is not your partner and who cares who he flirts with on twitter? If she is that worried about him, she can follow him herself. She has obviously forgiven the fact that he slept with someone else over a two year period so she is unlikely to fall apart when she finds some flirty twittering is she?

Unless you happen to have a photo of him having sex with someone else you really have no 'proof' of anything, including his wife.

tadpoles · 26/03/2012 12:55

Sorry last line should have read: ....you really have no 'proof' of anything. Everyone already knows he is a dick-head, including his wife.

tadpoles · 26/03/2012 12:56

"should a married man who has all this history be even engaging in these conversations???"

Oh FFS!! Stop trying to police their marriage. A complete waste of time.

musicismylife · 26/03/2012 13:24

Sorry OP, you sound very patronising and smug. You are meant to be her friend, not her counsellor.

Such phrases as 'OH thinks I should take a back seat & just be there when it all comes crashing down again (of which he is quite convinced!).' If you were my best mate, I would want to flick you Hmm.

A bit of harmless banter on twitter will be a breath of fresh air for all the shit you're friend has been through.

Oh and if it does all come crashing down, do not, I repeat, to not tell her 'I told you so'.

musicismylife · 26/03/2012 13:28

'Getting quite an education!!'

No, you are getting quite a kick off of the back of your best friend's misery.

Fruit loop

NotaDisneyMum · 26/03/2012 13:30

tadpoles it's not just the OPs friend though, is it?
The DCs are old enough to use Twitter and probably know all about their Dads past transgressions - if the OPs friend knows and is turning a blind eye, I'd struggle to remain friends with someone who had such disregard for her own DCs to be honest Sad