Sister troubles..

[covermeup]

Been hanging around for ages now wanting to post as it's a bit of a sensitive subject and finally got the balls to do it! Sorry if it's long, don't want to drip feed..

Bit of background.. My Mum and Step-Dad got together when I was 6. Real Dad left when I was 10months old and never tried to get in contact. So I class my Step-Dad as 'Dad'. Dad has 2 daughters from his previous marriage, DD1 is 3 months younger than me, DD2 is 3 and a half years younger than me. They live 200miles away so just used to visit during school holidays and as they got older and left school they visited less due to work, social life, etc. We always got on so well and were really close. Of course we argued when we were younger as all girls do, but we loved each other very much and always kept in contact via text, Facebook, etc.

Last Summer DD2 finished school and decided she wanted to move closer to us to persue her career. Of course she was welcomed with open arms and we were all very happy. She lived with us at first until Dad found her a house share near to where she was working. There was obviously a bit of resentment from her Mother's household and it seemed like they wanted to pick a fight with Dad about anything, from Child Benefit (her Mother still thought she deserved to claim this and CSA and told both authorities that DD2 was not 'living' with us, just staying for a 'holiday') to the place were DD2 kept her clothes in our house.

DD1 has always been very defensive about her Mother (as all children are of course) and if there has been any conflict she will always ring Dad and take matters into her own hands, shouting and swearing at him, etc. It got particularly bad when the CB/CSA arguements were going on and she would ring Dad saying things like 'You just don't want to pay for your children' or 'You want us to lose our home' (Her Mother works part time and her Step-Dad doesn't work at all as they lived off the CB/CSA) DD1 would also post things on FB about this and people would be commenting with sympathy, etc, making Dad look like the bad person. So on one of these occasions where she had posted something I commented on it saying she was very lucky to have a Dad like ours and when she's older she will look back and realise how much he has done, etc. Well of course she just jumped down my throat and was very abusive and offensive. I didn't want it all being made public so I text her to try and calm things down and explain that she might not see it now but when she's got her own children she'll realise how much Dad has done for all of us and she'll appreciate it. The texts got really nasty and she said things along the lines of 'Your Dad didn't want you, mine did so get over it', 'I'm the one with his blood, you'll never have that, you're lying to yourself', 'You were forced into my live, i'm not your sister and I never have been' 'I've always hated you and I'm glad I never have to speak to you again' The only replies I sent were ones defending myself about things she was saying that were untrue and then in the end I just ignored them as it was so upsetting to read what she was saying.

Since that day I have not spoken to her at all. I overheard a phonecall between her and Dad just before Christmas and she was still refering to My Mum and I as 'The 2 people that he lives with' and said that she hates us. Dad has tried to talk to her about it but she won't.

I'm so hurt by it all and actually after it happened I fell into a deep depression and was refered to counselling just before Christmas (which I'm still waiting for) and then put on anti-depressants a month ago. I thought about the things she said every single day and I would have nightmares about it every single night up until Christmas. Still now I have nights where I just lay awake going over everything in my head. I've found it so hard on occasions such as her birthday and christmas were I would usually talk to her and now knowing that she doesn't want to. I actually feel more reject over this than I ever have done with my real Dad because to have loved somebody so close to you for all those years and then have them just turn around to you and say they never wanted you is so much worse than someone never wanting you in the first place.

I'm having my 21st Birthday Party in June and of course I would of really wanted her to be there. I'm debating whether or not to send her an invite to give her the chance to apologise and make things right? But then I don't know whether it's been long enough for her to realise what she's done wrong as the situation hasn't changed at all. On my birthday last year she text me saying 'Just tried calling you to say HAPPY BIRTHDAYYYY!! Hope you're having a wicked day. Love you lots sis.. Miss you millions! Happy Birthday xxxxx' It's heartbreaking that this year it's going to be so different.

Thankyou if you got this far. I feel better now I've got it all off my chest.

She sounds slightly unhinged. I think you will not get anywhere with her in the short term. The best thing you can do is disengage and hope she comes to her senses in the future.

Thankyou for your reply

My heart goes out to you cover...step families can be nightmarish and certainly take a lot of hard work.

My children's father also had 3 other children. They were only ever interested in their Dad, not me or their half siblings. I accepted them not being particularly interested in me (I will stress they were never ever unkind to me) but their half siblings disinterest hurt me to the core and I cried rivers over the years.

Me and my partner split up over 6 years ago, I hadn't seen any of them for around 2 years before that. I saw all 3 of them a few months back when their Grandma died, the daughter was so pleased to see me and feels so much remorse for their behaviour (she now has 3 children herself) it was the moment I had always been waiting for, alas too late for a relationship, however, I now have a kind of closure that I hadn't done anything wrong, they were just young and hurt.

I think your step sister is hurting too,and most probably angry. It doesn't sound like she is getting much help from her home environment either.

If, in your heart you want her to come, then be the bigger person and send the invite, if you are just paying lip service, don't.

In my opinion, you are the bigger person already, sound level headed and compassionate. Keep your dignity, keep Facebook for photos and greetings...affairs of the heart should be kept private..

Good luck OP, you sound like a lovely girl, your step Dad should be proud of you x

Thankyou so much for your lovely reply. You made the tears fall again!!

I'm really glad you got the closure you needed. I also now have 2 and a half year old and 2 week old half brothers (from my real dad) that i'm trying to do right by aswell but that's a whole different thread!! It is all so hard!

I really do in my heart want her to be there. It only seems right. I never have a birthday party so to have a big one for a special birthday I want all of my family to be there.

Thankyou again x

Cover you sound lovely and very mature and as WillI says I'm sure your step dad is very proud of you. Your sister is very young and it sounds as though she's lashing out at everyone around her. Keep the door open, invite her to your birthday but try not to get into any exchanges with her at the moment. She will grow up and probably look back at all the things she has said with deep embarrassment, most of us at a young age have said very cruel hurtful things when we're growing up.

Hopefully she'll remember how you stood by her and rose above her immaturity. Little sisters can be a right pain and then as the years go by become the most lovely of friends.

Have a really lovely 21st birthday, you sound as though you really deserve it, if she doesn't respond positively please please don't let it ruin your big day!

Thankyou very much Boohoo

There's clearly something deeper going on with your sister that you're not aware of. What is her stepdad like? Perhaps with all the issues surrounding the money she has started to feel like you've had a better life than her and she is resentful? She might be taking other more serious worries out on you because you're an easy target. Rather than looking to her mother and wondering why she is causing such hassle it is simpler for her to believe you and your part of the family are the enemy.

If you are really keen to resolve things then it might be worth trying to meet up with her to have a calm discussion about everything.

Don't invite her she is toxic, sounds like she gets it from her mother.
I think he mother and step dad should got off their lazy backsides and go out to work, not depend on the tax payer and your dad to keep them.

Can I ask how old she is?
She sounds very child like and clearly has issues with her dad that she is forcing in you. Maybe in her mind her dad chose you over her
Just know if you invite her she may come, may not say sorry but also may cause problems.

You have done NOTHING wrong.

That is clear.

Remember and hold onto ONE thing.

It's HER choice to treat you as she has done and it speaks VOLUMES of her character. Her jealousy, her resentment of you is toxic.

Distance yourself and rise above it. You deserve an apology from her, just remain cool, aloof and detached until you get one.

OP bear in mind that what I'm about to say is said with the full acknowledgement that you personally have done nothing to cause this and do not deserve to be on the receiving end of a displaced hurt.

But we're talking about DD1 here - the one who is virtually the same age as you. Unlike DD2, she has more memories of a time when her father was living with her.

Did the marriage break up because of your SD's relationship with your Mum, I wonder?

Was it his choice to move 200 miles away from his children?

Apart from having the girls for holidays and financial support, how much of a role has he had in their parenting?

It wasn't her Stepdad's role to support the new family financially, so comments about him being out of work are irrelevant. Those girls' care was entirely the responsibility of their biological parents. If her Mum was left by your stepdad as a single parent who was unable to work and support herself because of childcare, she might be feeling very bitter. It's possible that she contained that bitterness and possibly some truths about why their Dad left until she felt the girls were old enough to handle it and the older one has only recently learnt some things about her father that has reduced him in her eyes.

So she might have very good reasons for feeling bitter towards her dad. Her jealousy towards you is irrational, but might be understandable.

I just have the feeling that you're dealing with the effects of this horrible behaviour without knowing why - and sometimes it helps us deal with people who are horrible to us if we understand their motives and try to empathise.

That doesn't alter the fact that you must refuse to be treated like this and that her behaviour is wrong, but if it's a relationship you've valued in the past, it might be worth asking her for a heart-to-heart to explain herself.

Wow thankyou all very much for your replies..

Cailin Yes I do agree with you a lot. Her step dad isn't very nice and my sisters have mentioned in the past that there Mum wants to leave him but never would as she doesn't want to break up a family again (They have twins together).

There is also definate resentment about me having a 'better life'. However it has been made very clear to them that it was my Mum who saved money for me since I was born to be able to buy me a car when I was 17, give me nice things, etc. Dad has always treated us 3 girls completely equally.

Rabid I agree with you aswell!!

lisad She is 20. I really hope she doesn't feel as though Dad chose me over her. He has always tried very hard to play an active role in her life, been very supportive and encouraging of her.

Houdini Thankyou for your advice.

Charbon Mum and Dad did not meet until about 2 years after his marriage broke up.

I do not think DD1 has any memories of her parents together as she was 4 when they split up.

It was their Mum's choice to move away to be closer to her family.

Dad was always very involved when they were at school, I remember he used to get copies of school newsletters/reports, etc sent to him aswell and he was very encouraging, helping them with homework over the phone, etc.

Dad disagreed with a lot of the choices their Mum made in bringing them up which used to cause I few arguements but there was nothing he could do about it as he was not in the household.

I do think their Mum has poisened them against Dad a bit by telling them bad things about their relationship (elaborating small arguements, etc) and I do think she feels very bitter. However I'm pretty sure it was her who chose to leave him to persue a new relationship with a close female friend.

I do really miss my sister. We didn't talk all the time but when we did we were very close and I would have always been there for her whenever she needed me. I miss just texting her to ask if she had a nice weekend or whatever. I'm very close to my younger sister but I really see her as being younger and I 'look after' her more whereas with DD1 we were just the same age and going through the same things :(

Do you think maybe I should send her a text saying something along the lines of 'Hi, hope you're ok. Just wanted to let you know i'm having a big party for my 21st and of course would of wanted you to be a part of it. I'm still really upset about what happened last Summer and would like to talk about it if you want to aswell? x'

I think she resents your dad and is bitter towards him, possibly instigated by her mum. You don't know what her mum might be filling her head with.
When she posted on Facebook about him, yes it was wrong but I don't think you should have commented abut how lucky she is to have him as a dad etc, because in that comment you made her look silly to her friends and also she probably felt you took his side and not hers. I think possibly her mum is filling her with lies about your dad and probably along the lines of oh he only pays for his step kids not his real ones, these kind of sentiments will make her feel insecure then resentful so she's hitting out at you.

If you feel like texting her do but say you want her at your 21 st rather than wanted as a past tense.

I'd take the 21st birthday party out of the equation altogether and ring her, not text her, to ask if she would like to meet up to clear the air. Stop all remote means of communication entirely and go back to live human interaction.

OP you've got your version of her childhood and your SD's behaviour and she's got hers. Neither is likely to be entirely correct or truthful. All of us experience our parents differently to our siblings and there is no universal truth, only individual experiences and feelings. She needs to be prepared to acknowledge the good things her Dad has done and you need to acknowledge the bad, from her point of view.

Just as she may have had a distorted picture of your stepdad, you might need to acknowledge that you have equally received an overly sanitised version of his role in events and the impact it has had on her.

cover I really think this issue is between her and her Dad. There is resentment, hurt, anger and a multitude of other emotions (I imagine) that she is experiencing, all of it directly linked to her Father's behaviour (be it good or bad) during her life. Please don't think I'm accusing your step Dad of being a bad Father, I'm not, but like I said in my previous post, my step children behaved the way they did because of how they felt they had been treated by their Dad.

Unfortunately, you don't know what she has had to endure at home over the years (maybe putting a brave face on it too) and everything that has possibly been suppressed is now manifesting itself in her behaviour.

I'm sure her anger is not directly with you, but unfortunately (in her eyes) you are the one privileged with having Dad with you. It's a funny old thing, the Dads and daughters relationship, girls are very territorial when it comes to men, and that relationship is such an important one for a girl. It's what we women base our future relationships with men on.

I think it's up to hers/your Dad to address these issues, you really are the innocent party here.

xx

Please don't invite her to you 21st she will use it as a sounding board and ruin the whole thing

Thankyou again for all of your replies.

RachyRach I know that I probably shouldn't have commented on the FB post and I've helf my tongue many times before but it has been so hard to see our Dad upset many times over the years because of the way she talks to him. She has no respect for him at all and after all I've seen him do for her and how hard he tries, she just throws it all back in his face. It's absolutely heart breaking to watch.

Charbon There is no way I can call her. I just wouldn't be able to cope with the way she'd speak to me. At least with a text she'd hopefully think about her reply before sending it. I have always and will continue to try and see things from her point of view. It's very difficult though as she won't actually talk about how she feels. She just lashes out at people. But I've given her a lot of slack in the past because I know things have been tough for her.

WillIEver Thankyou for sharing your own experience again. It's very helpful to hear what others have been through and how they dealt with it. I think I'm going to have a good chat with Dad at the weekend and try and get him to call her to calmly talk things through. He doesn't have a clue I feel like this because I haven't wanted to put any stress on him as he was very upset when it all happened.