Porn and chat rooms

[whowokeme]

Just found out that H was on cam4 last year and registered on a chat room previously. We've had issues in the past. He's said it shouldn't be a big deal and other wives just joke about it with their husbands but I don't know how to bring this up with him that I know about it and don't know how much of a problem it is. He uses his own laptop and obviously with private settings, etc I can't check the history each time.

cam4?

What do you get out of this relationship now?

Why are you with such a person who seemingly has such complete and utter disregard for you and your feelings?. And no, other wives do not joke about this with their husbands. There is plenty of evidence on these pages to see that many women have problems with their man's gradual and increased use of porn within their relationship.

It doesn't sound like he respects you very much if he's willing to lie to you and dismiss your feelings like this. :(

What do you want from your relationship?

Some women don't mind porn, some women use it themselves, some women will joke about this kind of thing with their husbands.

Some women don't like porn, refuse to watch and won't tolerate their husbands watching or using it.

But it really doesn't matter what other women do, you're clearly uncomfortable or not happy with it and that's all that matters, so you need to tell your DH that and work out whether his porn use is a deal breaker and you want him to stop completely or whether there's some kind of compromise. If you feel really strongly about it and he refuses to acknowledge your feelings and completely disregards then then you have a decision to make.

I don't mind porn but webcams and chatrooms are crossing the line for me as they are interactive. It really doesn't matter what other women will accept though if it's not acceptable for you.

It doesn't matter what other wives do. He is just saying that to take the attention away from him with the unoriginal deflection that you're over-reacting. this says a lot about his feelings toward you in general. He's not even willing to admit that this is wrong within your marriage because of what other people do?

He seems more desperate to put the onus on you rather than accept that he has betrayed your confidence in him. This speaks volumes.

So sorry you're going through this.

What were the issues in the past?

If that was his reaction then, why are you surprised to find that he's still disrespecting your relationship?

By inferring that 'other women' are fine with this, wasn't that telling you that he was going to carry on and you'd better get used to it?

You have every right to say that porn and interactive sex sites are not acceptable in your relationship and if you got bullied and manipulated last time into thinking you were 'uncool' for not going along with it, it's okay to say you've changed your mind and have grown some self-esteem now, unlike these hypothetical 'other wives' who don't have the assertiveness or confidence in themselves to object to porn in their relationships, or in their houses.

But to be honest, if he was able to brainwash you like this last time and you're now scared of confronting him about something that would be a deal-breaker in many relationships, it sounds like you've got more problems than his use of sex sites. He sounds like a very manipulative individual indeed.

Thanks for all your replies. It has given me a great deal to think about. Not sure what I'm going to do now at the moment though...

I don't know one woman that would "joke" about her husband using porn and utilising chat rooms

cry, yes

be devastated, yes

try and rationalise it as "boys will be boys" (while secretly crying and being devastated), yes

but "joke" ?

no

OP, if this is a dealbreaker for you, own your decision, and act accordingly, you don't have to put up with this shit, really you don't

I joke with my husband about porn. There's a blog called guess her muff where you see a picture of a woman clothed then one naked. Sometimes I sit on his knee and play it with him.

I see chat rooms and web cams as very different because that's interaction. But the passive stuff, well I think DH is entitled to a private life inside his head. I like the end package and while he's kind, loving and loyal to me I have no desire to comment on his consumption of violent computer games, porn or whatever else gives him his non-interactive kicks.

Well yes, lots of people are very selfish and conclude that as long as their life is all rosy, then who cares about the women who are brutalised in order to give their partners an orgasm? I guess you must either convince yourself it's just play-acting or worse still, that the women on the screen are of less value as human beings?

it takes all sorts

guess her muff sounds like a right fucking laugh (not)

judging a woman by her genitalia...way to go, sista

Well, precisely, Chandon and AF.

I prefer living with a man who respects women.

Ditto

Charbon, out of interest, because I?d hate to be ignorant, what percentage of women in porn are ?brutalised in order to give their partners an orgasm?? And what percentage of women in porn do not feel traumatised for having sex for money on screen? See I have no idea, but I get the impression there must be an independent unbiased study out there and I?d be interested to read it.

winegoggles, the question you should be asking yourself is "how low does the percentage have to be to justify the sex industry?"

50 ?

25 ?

10 ?

for me, one young person brutalised on screen for somebod to wank over is enough of a margin for me to condemn the whole fucking amoral business

I was just saying that women like me exist when AnyFucker was suggesting we didn't.

While porn has a great myriad of issues surrounding it so to do a great number of industries from Nestle manipulating mothers in the developing world to the majority of clothing suppliers abusing children.

Consuming porn is bad, sure. But I'm also guilty of buying smarties and t-shirts. I don't mean to make light of your point but I fail to see how being sanctimonious towards my husband would be helpful. Maybe he would cease his usage, would that really achieve anything?

Absolutely, AF!!

If men stopped consuming pirn, then less women would be tortured and raped making it.

It's basic capitalist politics. Stop consuming and they will stop producing.

"Guess her muff" Charming.
Perhaps when you grow up and your daughters are teenagers you might feel a bit differently.
Violent computer games are in no way similar to porn, they aren't real and don't feature real human beings being brutalised, nobody has suffered an anal prolapse or torn sphincter or contacted herpes/HIV/HPV in the making of a computer game, no matter how gruesome the game is.

WFM, that would be great, actually

small steps'n'that

a revolution could start with one pornhound, and his handmaiden

The problem is the porn industry not porn. Just as Nestle is bad not chocolate.

I don't expect to change your view of me, I'm simply stating that not every woman is totally anti-porn. And I know I'm not alone as I've plenty of friends that subscribe to Caitlin Moran's brand of feminism.