Need some perspective on this

[Spree]

H and I have been separated for about 7 or 8 weeks because I discovered he had an affair.

On confession of the affair, he also confessed to having been taking Ice (Methamphetamines) but he says this stopped in September 2010.

He has a history of clubbing and drug use. He is currently on anti-D's and anxiety medication (which he has admitted to taking extra doses when he feels he needs it). He has also admitted a problem with alcohol addiction.

When he moved out, he said he needed some space to get himself better so he could be a better father to the DCs.

The DCs now spend weekends with him in his tiny apartment.

I have recently discovered that in addition to alcohol abuse, there may be some form of sex addiction (I don't have enough information about this).

I do suspect that now he is living on his own, he is probably smoking cannabis.

We are separated so I cannot stop him doing what he wants but I have DC who spend weekends with him and I am worried that they may find / see something.

I have told him absolutely no drug taking, drinking or smoking when he has DCs and he has agreed but he has also proven himself to be a pathological liar.

Am I within my rights to ask for regular drug tests if he wants to continue to have DCs at the weekends?

Thanks

no. i suspect it will have to be something through the curts like supervised visits

I am drafting up a separation agreement and have included in it the ground rules above about the drug use and he wants me to remove the references to drug use as I do not have evidence of this. (I have text messages where he confirms drug taking though)

However I do not want it removed until he gets a test to prove he is clean.

I was really hoping to avoid having to get the lawyers involved until we had agreed the separation terms ourselves.

How old are your dc?

They are 7 and 10 and I am particularly worried about the 10 year old as he is on the cusp of teenage hood and will soon enough come up against the challenge of being offered drugs or experimentation himself.

I understand your fears but it seems that your h is unlikely to voluntarily agree to have regular drug/alcohol tests or sign the draft document you have prepared.

It also begs the question of how frequently you will require him to produce evidence that he is free of drugs, what hospital or laboratory will peform the test(s), and who will pick up the bill for this service?

Perhaps a way forward to would be to incorporate a clause to the effect that he agrees not to be under the influence of alcohol or other substances while he has sole care of your dc?

if he is using hard drugs like meth while taking care of the children, i would be taking it up with the courts without a second thought.

meth's not like cannabis. people who do meth get worse and worse, their brains start to fuck up, it's an absolutely awful drug. cannabis use alone would make me twitchy (i would wonder whether he was driving under the influence etc) but meth?? that's a different ball game.

and meth users tend to hang out with other people who use meth. which means that flat of his is going to end up being a deeply chaotic and dangerous place for your DC (if it's not already).

you are absolutely right to be worried about them. this is the WORST time for them to be exposed to this sort of thing, with preteendom around the corner etc.

he cannot have them at the weekends if this is what he's doing. you are absolutely right about the drug tests, they have to happen, but you need to hammer this out via a solicitor, and the correct court channels.

Unfortunately, this is all true. He says the meth stopped in 2010 and he was for the most part, taking meth when in another country.

I know what it looks like, he is out of control and still searching for something to quell the emptiness inside him.

So the separation really gives me a chance to raise kids the way I want to but yes, I am desperately worried. We are not in the UK, returning in 4 months and he may not return with us.

The DC miss him desperately so I son't want to take their weekend away either.

The thing is on the outside H looks perfectly normal, continues to hold down a very successful job. Nothing on the outside would give away the inner turmoil on the inside.

if it were me, and taking drugs is a serious concern - particularly the drugs you are talking about - I would not allow my children to see him in his flat.

I would be seeing a solicitor, with the texts as my evidence, and arranging for supervised access instead. My solicitor has frequently advised me that when she represents men (and women) who need supervised access to prove they are capable of looking after their kids, she tells them to jump through whatever hoop necessary because they are still seeing the kids. If he's not willing to do that, it's his problem.

you've described a child protection issue and I would be taking it extremely seriously. The personality you describe is that of an addict, and untreated addicts get worse - not better - over time.

I have to agree with Choco.

If the drugs are such a huge issue that you want him to have regular drugs tests the children should not be being left in what could be a risky environment now.

He is either safe enough for your children to stay there or he is not in which case stop it until things are resolved and arranged supervised contact.

If he refuses to do this, the children missing him is not an option in my opinion their safety comes first.

Sad as your children will be, I think you need to cease the visits.

Children have no context for drug related behaviour and even slight changes can be very frightening fit them. My DH was on Tramadol recently (and he rarely takes paracetamol so he reacted pretty strongly) and I had to do quite a lot of reassuring to my stepsons that Daddy was just poorly, that he loved them but couldn't do normal Daddy things.

The last thing you want is for them to learn how to contextualise drug related behaviour from their father.

if its just going by just what youve said in this post, its more about what you think he might do and what hes done in the past rather than a huge risk now.
Depending on the anxiety meds, taking an extra dose if you need it is completely normal.
I think this must be a very difficult situation for you and very raw, but maybe just let him have them every other weekend instead, and if anything does happen, then cross that bridge then.
As you say hes perfectly functioning and appearing completely normal, then the chances are everything is normal with the kids

IMO your ex is not responsible enough to have your dc for entire weekends and deep down you know they will at some point be exposed/influenced by his lifestyle, he may well have good intentions but he has several addictions going on and he won't be able to hid it all of the time, if it were me I wouldn't stop him seeing them but I would certainly reduce the contact to an afternoon only one or twice a week and go from there.

i think someone having a history of clubbing or even of drug use over 2 years ago is not really reason to stop someone seeing their children.

when you say alcohol problem, what do you mean. To what extent?

what makes you say you think he may possibly have a sex addiction but you dont have any evidence of this - is there something specific that makes you think this poses a risk to your children?

when you say you think now hes on his own he "probably" smokes cannabis.

Are any of these things enough that you would have been worried had he not had an affair.

Its worth being transparent and being sure that your risk evaluation is not being clouded by your pain at him cheating, becase stopping someone having access to their children is quite a major thing

You could make it condition of not going through courts that he passes an annual drugs test.

Or you could try a mediator.

You need to say more about the sex addiction. For example, using porn around children is a child protection issue and recognised as child abuse, so you would be well within your rights to insist on supervised contact or contact away from his home.

What do your children tell you about their Dad's behaviour while they are there? Have they found things while there, like porn or drugs?

I wouldn't let the DCs stay over with him.
If he is still taking drugs that will be the most important thing in his lfe.
Caring for the DCs will be secondary.
If a problem arises when they are with him , you will regret not doing something about your suspicians.
blowcushion: why do you think the OP made all this up?

It's entirely possible to help your children see him often in a safe environment, its not a case of stopping contact, just making sure that the time they have together is fun and most importantly safe. Can you sit down and chat about it together or is your relationship too strained right now? Mediation may help to bring stuff out in the open and its the first thing a court would suggest so no point thinking about court orders etc until you've tried that first?

I agree that if its a serious concern you should make sure he sees them in a safe environment and not in his home. My main concern would be that even if he didnt drink/take drugs whilst he was with them, they may find something in the flat and accidentally ingest it.

i doubt he'll have anything left over from 2010

No decent parent wants to take the risk of their children ingesting drugs, coming across drugs paraphernalia and detritus, or porn. If there is any doubt, the children mustn't go there and take that risk. Doesn't mean they can't see their dad though.

in a relationship breakdown with children, there is always a risk of all sorts of things when theyre out of your care. Its balancing up those risks, against the damage of a child not being able to stay with their father. Its important for children to keep a good relationship with their father and a good mother will encourage a full relationship unless there is a real risk of abuse or neglect. Not just he used to go clubbing and take drugs when abroad a few years ago. The rest of it is speculation and assumptions.
You need to be absolutely sure before you do this. How would you feel if it was the other way round.

I know how hard this is, but theres a certain amount of letting go you have to do when you split up. What have your children actually said when they come back from him.
Why do you suspect him of not looking after them safely?
Do you suspect he is still taking meth or having sex with unknown people when the children are there?

He has only recently got his own apartment so the DC have spent 2 weekends with him.

Prior to this, he saw them here.

As part of the agreement for DC spending weekend with him, I said no drinking, smoking or drug use and he agreed.

So far, I think when he has them, he is keeping to his word.

But now while I do not have proof yet, I suspect he is using cannabis (just not at the w/ends) - as for the sex addictions, I suspect prostitution & I know porn for sure because I have found it on our computer.

I have just added another stipulation on my draft agreement to ensure he puts netnanny or similar software on his computer so DC don't come across anything. But I take it netnanny only works on Internet & not on stuff already downloaded onto computer?

That's correct. The children could easily find something that has been downloaded and saved.

Do you have evidence that he is using cannabis/under the influence of it while the children are there?