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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

perpetuating the cycle?

6 replies

KarmaK · 24/03/2012 17:10

A woman I know (in fact a friend I recently moved on from due to her toxic behaviour) told me that her distant cousin, aged 14, was raped by a much older man recently. This woman's response was to give the girl money and to make sure the girl's mother immediately puts her on birth control pills. I asked her whether she or the girl's mother were organizing counseling for the girl and she said that the girl doesn't need therapy, that therapy is a complete waste of time and causes women to wallow in the past instead of moving on with their life. She has urged the girl's mother NOT to get counselling for her. She said the most important thing is for the girl to be on the Pill. But she also mentioned that the girl is very distressed and that the girl said "I feel worthless." How is the Pill or giving her a wad of cash going to help repair the girl's self-worth?

Also, I can't help fearing history is repeating itself. My ex-friend was sexually abused herself as a child. She has a "oh well shit happens" attitude to it, has never had therapy and now actually has sex for money.

OP posts:
UKSky · 25/03/2012 12:51

I take it that noone has reported this to the police/SS from your OP.

Of course this isn't the right way to go about helping this poor girl. Do you have any information about the girl or her family that you can pass on to SS so they can investigate?

The police do need to know so this bloke can be prosecuted and stopped from doing it again and yes she does need help.

KarmaK · 25/03/2012 17:57

Hi UKSky, unfortunately I do not know the identity of the child who has been raped, so it doesn't look like it's possible for me to report it.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 25/03/2012 18:37

Not much you can do if you don't have the information. You've made the right decision distancing yourself from this very bizarre friend.

KarmaK · 25/03/2012 18:39

True Cogito. I can see why she is the way she is but that does not mean I have to condone it.

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garlicbutter · 25/03/2012 19:02

Yes, it sounds as though she has repeated what happened to her. The messages she's giving the girl are: It's not very nice but we have to put up with it; You should get money for being raped; Men who rape can't be stopped; Your feelings don't count.

As you suggest, Karma, those seem to be the precepts she herself lives by. I feel sorry for both of them - and angry at the mother, who may have suffered the same routine - but most of all, sorry for the girl. Her screwed-up life has just started :(

KarmaK · 25/03/2012 19:15

The messages she's giving the girl are: It's not very nice but we have to put up with it; You should get money for being raped; Men who rape can't be stopped; Your feelings don't count.

Yes Garlicbutter. And to be honest I think this happens quite a lot. It reinforces for me how important therapy can be in the life of an abuse survivor. In my own case it was a therapist who was the first person to actually tell me straight up that being raped is wrong and that I didn't deserve it. That was a massive turning point for me and I'm sure it has been a massive turning point for many other people too

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