help me work out my feelings for this guy

[shallowgal999]

I have namechanged, though I don't know why.. Probably cos I feel so horrible and shallow.

I have a friend. I have known him a while, and we did see each other briefly, but I had just come out of an abusive relationship and wasn't ready to be in a relationship again. Anyway, all amicable, we are still friends and we have a shared interest so we see each other a fair bit and hang out sometimes. Though I leave it for him to contact me, as I think he may still be interested in me but I don't want to lead him on. I even stayed away from him as he confuses me so much, but there aren't many places to do our hobby, so I was missing out on that, and I don't want to give it up.

Anyway, he is everything I want in a guy - thoughtful, caring, sweet, intelligent, same sense of humour, talented in things I admire. Well, nearly everything as he is not physically my 'type'. He is (I feel so shallow) a bit fat, and I have always gone for slim / muscular guys (yes, who have always treated me badly). And (I feel even more shallow) his dress sense is pretty bad.

BUT, he is so lovely. I really care about him. and I think about him so much - every day, without fail. To be honest, several times a day. I get excited when I get a text / call from him, and can't wait to see him again at our shared interest meetings. We are so good together, we can talk for hours, we totally understand each other and our interests overlap perfectly. I just want to be able to cuddle up to him (etc). And he is so kind and thoughful and not at all like the other bad relationships I have had.

So why do I struggle that he is not my usual type? If he was my usual fit, tall and well dressed (and badly treating) guy, I would go out with him in a flash. I don't find him UNattractive, though I don't find his large belly attractive. And his dress sense really doesn't help.

I flit between wanting to give it another go with him and wanting to keep it as friends. And if I found out he had a girlfriend, I would be gutted. And I am aware that I sound about 17 or something, but I'm much older, just not too experienced with dating etc.

any advice? I even want you all to tell me to go out with him, but it's just a bit odd. Because I am so shallow :(

btw, I am now off away for the rest of the weekend, so I won't reply straight away. I'm not being rude. but I REALLY need to get it off my chest.

I've just re-read my post.
He deserves someone who'll love him belly and all doesn't he :( I think I'm being really disrespectful, and should try to forget about him.
There, answered my own question!

He sounds cuddly and perhaps he needs the love of a good woman to give him a makeover encourage him to take an interest in his appearance.

A sensible diet plus 3 gym sessions a week should serve to reduce his beer belly and, until it's gone, man spanx will give the illusion of a trimmer bod.

FWIW I don't think it's particularly shallow to want a guy that you'll be seen out with, and having fun indoors with, to give some thought to their appearance.

But do tell - what is this hobby?

Why not suggest stuff for him to wear, in a sort of 'ooh, that'd look right nice on you'.

Or, just be honest with him.

you can't force yourself to fancy someone. there are women out there who would think slim and muscular isn't that great, and bigger men are more their bag. it's not about being shallow, it's just about having preferences really. nothing wrong with that!

Thanks for your replies.
Yes, I can't force myself to fancy him. It's a shame, as I think we'd be good together.
and, what's bothering me, is why do I think about him so much, and get excited to see him etc if I DONT fancy him??? Its confusing.

Force him to the gym? Manspanx?? You'd really tell a bloke that you'd prefer he wear manspanx???
Izzyizin you love people for who they are, not try to change them to what YOU deem to be ideal, sheesh.

Are you bothered about what your mates will think? Because it sounds to me like you really do care about this bloke.

Yes, you are being a bit shallow to be honest. Put it into perspective, you could start seeing someone who is drop dead gorgeous, but very few people stay that way forever, and I would rather be with someone who treats me well than is great eye candy.

squeaky, yes, I think you are right :( It's horrible, I'm happy for people to meet him as a friend, and I know they'd love him, but not as my boyfriend. I hate myself for thinking like that, I think of how hurt he'd be if he knew, and how disrespectful it it :( and I don't want to change him - I know how I'd feel if some guy told me, yes, I'd date you if you lost a bit of weight / changed how you dressed. How horrible.

I know I'm being shallow, I just want to sort my head out one way or the other. I KNOW I'd rather be with someone that I get on with exceptionally well, is caring etc, and has all those qualities I like and admire. And I also know that those fit, gorgeous guys I tend to go for tend to be bad for me. Not to mention non-existent if you I of I want from a partner.

What do I do about it? How do / Can I / Should I stop being so shallow? Or do I just accept I don't fancy him enough? Maybe I just need to stay away from him for a bit, though that means giving up on my hobby too.

So confusing :(