Do you agree with my exes comments?

[toptramp]

I have been (stupidly) ruminating over my abusive relationship which ended 10 years ago as I am hoping to learn from it.
My abusive ex always used to say that it is up to the individual as to how they react to any given situation. He used it in the following context; my mum was severely distressed at my mental state after my ex abused me and his reply was "It's up to her how she feels". H ealso used this on many an occasion when I would get upset with him.

What he basically meant was that he could treat me however he wanted and my reaction to his abuse was my responsibility and nothing to do with him. Or no?

One thing is for sure ladies; I really need abuse councelling but where can I get it.

In a way he was right, I guess.
It was up to you whether you put up with it or kicked him out. ;-)

I would kind of agree.

It was his choice to be a cunt.

I see his point.

However I think he was making it to absolve himself of all blame. And I would guess he didn't give a fuck about how your mum felt, and he only made the remarks to hurt you anyway.

But I think what he was saying was not that you were to blame for your feelings, so much as he wouldn't be held responsible for his part. Which of course is nonsense and I'm sure you didn't end up upset from walking past him, or breathing in the same room.

Well done on getting rid of the arsehole.

I think the first stop for counselling would be your GP, or contact Women's Aid.

Can you check if there is a Freedom Programme running near you?

"my reaction to his abuse was my responsibility"

That suggests emotional reactions are always a conscious, rational choice, which they clearly are not. If a large dog comes running at you with bared teeth do you scream and run, or do you stand calmly weighing up the options? Dropped into a battle-zone, an ordinary person would experience great anxiety whereas a trained soldier can put their fear to one side because they know what to do. How about people who dive into rivers to save the family dog only to drown themselves? An outwardly irrational reaction that overrides basic self-preservation.

My point is that some reactions are instinctive, others are learned or habitual and some are irrational. The more immediate and stressful the situation, the more likely you are to react instinctively or even irrationally. The more often the stimulus presents, the more likely you are to react the same way each time because you learn from your previous experience. To reject 'instinct' and make a totally different response requires either enormous training or enormous resilience. Sustained exposure to extreme stress can result in mental health issues..... think of post traumatic stress disorder or phobias, for example. Suffering a mental health problem is not a matter of choice.

Your mother reacted instinctively to your pain and suffered distress. You reacted instinctively to the abuse and suffered psychologically. The problem in both cases was almost certainly not the reaction but the stimulation.... i.e. his abusive behaviour.

HTH

Tbh it seems he is not capable of empathy, but, as an abuser, that's really no surprising is it?

Of course it's your feelings, but they should have mattered to him.

I wouldn't dwelve on his point of views or on what he said
They were supposed to make you feel bad about yourself, so why allow yourself to?

I think you can take responsibility for your actions in so far as they are not instinctive self protection...so i would say you are entirely responsible for the sensible thought through end of the relationship, we are not really responsible for our feelings..they are as they are, we chose how we deal with them, and how we act in response to them to a certain degree.

The Freedom programme is a good place to process these things.

I do agree that people's emotions are their own responsibility to deal with, and their actions are their own responsibility to control.

So he is responsible for his abusive words and actions, and he can't blame it on "it's your fault: you made me angry," since his own issues and emotions are his to deal with (in a mature and non-harmful way, preferably), and his abuse was always within his power to control, and his only.

What was your reaction? To be upset at abuse. Who could disavow that reaction? It is healthy and normal to be upset by abuse! I imagine that you dealt with this emotion by expressing to him that you were upset, which is the mature way to deal with it. And you eventually dealt with it by leaving, which again was you being responsible for your reaction.

I think your ex was being a dickish twat when he said that, because what he was really trying to do was to absolve himself from responsibility for the impact his words and actions had. "It's your own problem if you're upset" is not at all the same thing as "It is up to you to choose how you deal with the fact that you are upset."

How awful for you, OP. I agree with the replies above that he was trying to absolve himself of responsibility for his behaviour. Furthermore, by saying your mum's distress was her fault, he was insinuating it wasn't a normal reaction and depriving you of support via your mum's empathy for the situation.

I think the person who needs to be concerned about their reactions here are him. How can he be so disconnected and disaffected by the way he chose to hurt you? That is not normal in any sense and the fact that he is refusing to accept any accountability says a huge amount about him, not you. What you and your mother felt/feel is perfectly valid, normal and understandable.

I obtained counselling through my GP. Maybe you can talk to them or your surgery Nurse?

Thanks for the feedback. I think he is a psychopath actually. My mum died of cancer last year and I am so angry that she had to go through this when I was in my early twenties. I do blame myself for it too.

Yes totally agree with him even tho he sounds a twat.

Can only change someone else's behaviour by changing your own.

Please don't blame yourself. Abusers work by diminishing you, then when the obvious abuse starts, you are already struggling. Despite what your lovely late mum went through, I am certain she would have rather supported you than watched you suffer.

And yes, I think psychopath sounds very appropriate for him. Good on you for getting out