why cant i just move on ?

[cheekychump]

im a regular but i have name changed

a year ago i cheated on my husband of 15 years with my first love ,after it happened we both knew that it was a one off and it was ,we went our separate ways
i just cant forget him
theres not a day goes by when i dont think of him ,and i dream of him too
i keep telling myself just to get on with my own marriage and work at it but im living a lie ,i dont want to spend the rest of my life with my dh - i dont want to grow old with him
but i know staying is the best for my kids

i know lots of you will judge me and i fully understand what i did was wrong
i would appreciate any advice on how to just move on -how?

its been a year and its still so hard surely it would of gone by now

The grass is not greener on the other side.

What is missing from your marriage that you felt the need to cheat and that you're living in this fantasy world?

No judging from me.
it's your life, you have to lead it!

Firstly, being unhappy in a marriage is not what's best for kids. Kids will pick up on a bad atmosphere and 2 separated happy parents can be much better than 2 parents unhappy in the same house.

How are things with your DH? Have you actively tried to concentrate and rekindle that relationship? I know it's really hard to put feelings away but you need to catch yourself when you daydream about the "first love" and concentrate on the reasons you married your DH, the happy times you have had with him etc. The romantic notion of a 1st love and the excitement of hte illicit sex are bound to be a bit more exciting than a marriage of 15 years so it's easier to dream of what might have been, the unfinished story.

No judging from me, we make our own decisions and live with them. 2 parents together but unhappy is not what is best for the children-my parents to a tee and it would have been so much better if they'd just separated. How are things with your dh? Have you made a conscious effort to try to reconnect? I think a lot of these thoughts might simply be that it's unfinished like you and this man never finished your story-and we always imagine the wonderful romantic end, but that isn't reality. What are your dh s good points? Could you manage a break together to talk/connect? Sorry not much help but I wish you all the best

well me and dh met fell pregnant and married all in the first 6 months of meeting ,we then went on to have 2 more kids ,he is from another country so there has been cultural differences to deal with
he has also had a massive gambling problem in the past that led to my financial ruin ,i still cant forget and forgive and this also caused us to break up 2 years ago ,i told him then that i didnt love him and i still dont but he thought that it would come back and so we tried again for the kids sake
i cant think of many things that i like about him he is the opposite to my 1st love ,he has bad hygene and it doent matter how many times i tell him he cant or rather wont do anything about it
i just cant bear the thought that this is it ,that i have to be with him all my life and never feel love again ,i feel like im wasting my life and his for that matter
before i slept with 1st love we were emailing for 2 years and just knowing i could chat to him made everything more bareable ,but since last year we have had no contact ,he lives in the same area as me and i see him every few months and its like im a teenager all over again ,i get butterflies and for days after ive seen him i cant stop thinking of him,its been a year i just dont know why i cant just leave it alone ?

I think you're confusing what you feel for the ex with what you feel for your husband and marriage.

The ex has retained his appeal because you are still unhappy in your marriage and it has become unhappier since your affair. As it always would have done, for that matter. Having an affair will always worsen a marriage, not improve it, particularly if it remains a secret.

You also need to acknowledge that this was an affair and lasted for over 2 years. It wasn't a one-night stand at all.

It's no coincidence that you chose to have an affair with your first love. This isn't about him necessarily, but about your need to re-write the past and recapture a time before you met your husband and had kids that tie you to him.

You need to leave your marriage first and accept that staying in an unhappy marriage is not good for children. Be on your own for a while and then re-evaluate your feelings about the ex. If he is married himself then it would be better for you to step away, but his appeal is likely to diminish once you are happier and not feeling so trapped.

It's obvious that your marriage is not working for you. This first love is pure escapism because you're scared about leaving without a 'real' reason.

You don't have to feel guilty simply because you need out.

do you know for sure it is over with your 1st love? Maybe you are meant to be with him?
Either way start making a plan to be on your own and for sure you will be happy in time on your own or with someone new.

i think we are meant to be together - he has always said maybe if things were different ,maybe sometime in the future we will be together
he is married and has one child too.
id like to ask him if he still feels the same about me but worried that if i start contact again it could get messy

There's no could about it.

Either he will tell you he prefers his wife and wants to stay with her (not that he'll be that brutally honest but what ever he says that's what he will mean).

Or he'll agree to have an affair with you and hurt his wife and child even more than he already has.

In both scenarios, you will probably get hurt but so will people who have done you no harm and who had no choice in the matter. If you get hurt, it will be your choice.

You are not meant to be together.

It sounds like you and your husband though are meant to be apart. Do that first and for your own sake and another family's, keep away from your ex. It's not fair of you and it's extremely unkind.

If he's being truthful then his marriage won't last and he'll leave. If he does he can contact you then. I have a feeling that neither of those things will happen.