No Friends, no social life - what to do??

[FaultLines]

My social life is disastrous and I don't know how to solve it. Since having kids some of our friends have fallen by the wayside, as their social lives revolve around their own kids - fair enough. So I've made new friend through my DCs myself. Until recently I met up with several different groups of women-friends and occasionally we'd meet up with DPs, too. I always felt lonely within these groups, though, as I seemed to struggle to make close connections with any one person within the group. Not through want of trying - I'd invite round to supper/for coffee etc - but never got asked back. Now things have gone from bad to worse - we don't meet up as groups anymore either - the other mums have largely paired off and moved on to other things. I am so bored and lonely! I try to get the ball rolling again with these women, or try to make new connections with other parents, but it never goes anywhere - I'm even finding that people have stopped returning my texts/calls. I really can't remember the last time anyone contacted me to arrange anything - what limited social life I do have now is ALWAYS down to me arranging things. I'd be so pleased if somebody contacted me now and asked me out - but I just don't see it happening. I don't know where it all went wrong - life used to be a social whirl and we had good friends; just not now.

Do you work? I wouldn't bother trying to make friends with other parents unless you meet someone at the school gate that you naturally have things in common with or seem interesting. As long as your DCs have some friends, I wouldn't bother with these other Mums any more unless you actually like them.

So if you don't meet likely people at work (aargh its like dating) where else could you meet people, is there a hobby or sport you would be interested in? Some of my friends have met good new friends doing team sports like netball, or joining choirs and things.

What about the friends who fell by the wayside when they had their own children, could you get back in touch with them? Sometimes people are too busy / too baby-centred for the first 18 months of DC's life, then they sort of breathe, take a look around them and are ready to start hanging out again.

I really feel for you but the fact you have said you used to have a good group of friends is very hopeful - you are capable of meeting and maintaining friendships, i.e it's not about you! You must have just fallen in with a group of women you don't really have much in common with iyswim.

Thanks, Combine - I have tried evening classes, but they always seem to be full of much older people. I do have some good friends at work actually, but we don't socialise away from work, as it's a big commute. I have also tried to get back in touch with past friends, but they are always busy with friends they have made since having children.

Oh it's a shame your work friends live far away. Are you more looking for friends to go out with in the evening / something to do in the evening? Is there anything you would actually like to do in the evening and then friends might come naturally from that?

Yes, that is a good idea - I suppose the trouble is I've lost my confidence. I felt like I DID have a lot in common with the people I met through my DCs, so feel demoralised and don't understand why the connection I felt wasn't there for them, too. I made efforts to join those groups in the past and I'm really wary of going out there alone again and potentially facing rejection. I guess i think there must be something about me that people don't like (even though at the same time I don't understand what - I think I'm quite human really!).

I feel a bit like you OP. I used to have a lot of friends but not so much anymore. I am off out tonight with a couple of uni friends but that is the first time in ages. TBH, they are the only people I see regularly. I am moving to a new city in about 2-3 months where my best friend lives (she moved there about 3 years ago) and I am so excited as I will have my buddy back. She is excited too and we are already planning what we are going to do. I have promised myself that I will do something to make new friends, most probably a running club. Perhaps you should try again with a club. Is there a social group near you? If you google social groups near you they are always asking for members and you may find people to go for drinks/cinema trips etc with.

Good luck

That sounds fun for you, marathon, good luck with your move. I think part of my problem now is that I've got worn down with making the effort to see people, having been trying for such a long time already with the kind of suggestions you have all been making. Everything became so one-sided I decided I had to stop and leave it to others to make some effort -unfortunately, they haven't! It's quite hurtful and the thought of starting again with a new group isn't as appealing as it should be.

I know how you feel FaultLines and truly sympathise. DH and I moved to a large city many miles away from where we were living (and not long after we got married). The move was for DH to take up a new job. I have always been quite shy and DH is not really a social person at all so it was hard to make friends. Once I had my first baby I made an effort and went to a Mother and Baby group and made friends with a few people particularly one Mum who became a really good friend. She and her DH moved abroad though when our children were older and I was never very close to anyone else. I was on friendly terms with several Mums through the PTA but never on a socialising in the evening basis just on an "occasional coffee" basis. I now find myself quite isolated as my children are much older and quite independent. I wish I had joined a club and met people with an interest in common as I might not be in this position now. All my college friends live 500 miles away so I keep in touch through e-mail but that is no substitute for proper meet-ups with friends. If you have an interest that you could develop through a club I would urge you to do so as you would then meet people with something in common with yourself and hopefully make new friendships. Another suggestion is to invite some of the peolpe that you meet at the school gate round to yours for coffee and see if you can develop some friendships through that. It's easy to say though but not so easy to do as I know only too well. Good Luck.