Sister won't leave her DP

[shebird]

Some background but I'll try to be brief -Dsis and her DP have always had a stormy relationship. As a couple they've had many ups and downs most tragically their DS1 was born with many health problems and passed away very young. Throughout all of this her DP and his family have never made life easy for my Dsis. Now there are money issues and my Dsis has found out that her DP has been gambling huge amounts of money. He treats her really badly and takes all of the money stress out on her while his family ignore that there is an issue.

Dsis leans heavily on my parents for support but it's come to stage where they are getting too old to deal with the worry and the stress if all this. It's being going on for years and I can never see things changing. I've told Dsis to leave him if she's unhappy but she won't. Somehow she thinks she can fix him and they will all live happily ever after but I know it won't.

Does 'treat her really badly' mean that his is violent? And does the support from your parents mean money? If they can be persuaded to stop giving her cash and if you can offer her a place to stay then you might force her hand. Otherwise, there is little you can do for someone if they don't think there's a problem.

Oh dear OP. Horrid to watch a close relative in a disfunctional relationship isn't it. Unfortunately there isn't much you can do. Maybe one day the penny will drop and she'll leave. Did they have any councilling after the tragic death of their child?

Not physical violence as far as I know but he's an emotional bully. His family think he's an angel and won't hear anything bad about him. My parents live nearby and she spends most days in their house with her DD meaning that they are looking after her or if not they are babysiting and it's becoming a strain as they get older. She phones them with all the sagas of what's going on with him and his interfering family so they are very burdened with it all. Of course they will always continue to do this and have also said they will be there if she leaves. Unfortunately I live too far away to be of any help.

My Dsis is still having counciling and I think her relationship issues are being discussed. Her DP went once when it happened but refuses to go again.

How close are the pair of you? Does she turn to them far more knowing she won't get as much mollycoddling from you?

My love, if she's being abused by him in any way, he CAN'T attend counselling. He'd use it to abuse her further.

She will leave when and if she realises that she has to. Nothing you or anyone else can do, other than to reassure her that you will all be there for her, and that HE is not treating her at all well. You can tell her that the DD IS suffering in this environment, and that it's teaching her that this is a normal relationship, when it is anything but.

On average a woman is assaulted 35 times before seeking help.

Every 3 days a woman is killed by her partner

A victim of domestic violence take on average 7 attempts to leavee before they actually do.

this situation is far more complex and devastating to your sister than I think you appreciate/understand.

You need to keep reinforcing the message that the man can change in a heartbeat if he wants to, but he doesn't. She needs to read WHY DOES HE DO THAT by Lundy Bancroft if it's domestic abuse.

Whatever it takes to get her away from a man that abuses her. That's what's needed. If your Dsis is having counselling, at least she has one form of appropriate support and can offload the worst to the therapist and not her family.

Unless your parents REALLY are frail and are feeling a strain, then tbh, what else would you have them do? Turn their backs on her? Mine did and my darling sister too. I'll never forgive them. It could very well have cost me my life. They knew this too.

So if you are merely supposing that they are feeling the strain of doing this, rather than knowing it as a fact, then you are in danger of coming across as resentful of the SHEDLOADS of help your sister's very LIFE may depend on. Your niece too.

This is a long road. You may be bored of it, but I'm guessing your sister is suffering more than you are. If you can, help her. If you can't, don't ever begrudge that help.

We are reasonably close but perhaps less so because I'm not living near by. She also knows that I don't take any crap nonsense. I'm always willing to listen but she knows that she won't like what I've got to say. My parents don't mollycoddle her as such but I think they feel she needs the support because of what she's been through. If they say anything about her leaving DP then it's tears and 'the councillor said'...so they back off.

I agree with what you say HoundiniHissy and I'm hoping counciling will help her to see that he's damaged and he is damaging her and her DD. I've been hoping that this will give her the strength but I fear it will go on and on and her life is passing her by.

We are a large family and she knows we would never turn our backs on her we have been there for her through it all nd always will be. I am not resentful of the help she gets from my parents but they have shared with me how weary they are of it all but then they also feel incredibly guilty for even thinking this. My dad is getting on and not in good health and my mum carries all the strain.

Is the counselling a relatively new thing? If so, perhaps as she feels more able to offload to the therapist, the emotional toll will be lessened by the immediate family. If so, encourage her to offload more to the professional and less to her family.

Actually.. I have just seen something... what is she saying when she retorts The counsellor said? Is the counsellor advocating that she STAY in the relationship? Is the counsellor even trained to handle this kind of scenario? It does happen. If that is the case then she needs a new therapist. That may not be easy...

Ultimately, the worst thing for her and her DD is to be under the same roof as this man, so if she is able to be elsewhere it's better for her. Although if that is causing strain elsewhere then changes have to be made, but slowly and steadily you can get there. Your whole family's objective is to get her out of there, but it has to be subtle or she will withdraw.

Could you invite her to yours for an extended break? then you can gently explain to her that the time is now upon her to do something, to set at least a deadline for this shite she is with to shape up, or ship out. Get her the Lundy book I mentioned, and Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven is a great book too, both of you ought to read them and discuss ideally what you have found. Slowly slowly catchy monkey.

I understand where your parents are, they are tired of seeing her suffer, it's hurting them to watch, they just want to see her happy.

You can't kidnap her, sadly, she has to want to leave. The minute she does though, the whole family needs to jump into action and sweep her up

Thanks HoundiniHissy. I will try those books you recommended. It's just so frustrating watching all this. Theyk do have good patches and i think she gets lulled into thinking all is ok. Sadly I think my Dsis has a case of the Cinderellas and thinks that he will change and they will live happy ever after. Unfortunately he's no prince charming.

The good patches are part of the abuse sadly.. If he were nasty all the time, she would be able to leave.

We ALL think they will change... until one day we realise, usually it's something ridiculously little, insignificant, and that is the last straw.

I hope she finds her last straw soon.

If she can witness at close hand what a normal relationship is, it may help her.

I know I found this christmas distressing as it was the first without my abusive ex, and I watched my sister and her h bicker and I was so scared that it would all kick off. I was stunned when it didn't. Really made me think though!