Think abusive ex might have moved near me

[woody101]

I have namechanged, and would appreciate any advice. Not sure if this even belongs in relationships...

I left home age 16 (17 years ago) to live with a man who subjected me to two years of abuse. In the end he was arrested for an unrelated incident and subsequently detained in a secure mental health unit. I haven't seen him since.

Last night I was walking down my street and I saw him. I hid, and I don't think he saw me. He knows my hometown and lived here for a short while before we met, so it's conceivable that he might return. I just though he never would. Actually, I hoped he was dead. This man has been the monster in my nightmares for 17 years.

There is some social housing near my house and I am petrified that he has been given a flat there. Do I have any right to find out if he is living near me? The police did attend a couple of domestic incidents but nothing ever progressed, so I'm not sure there would be any record linking us. Of course it might be that he was just visiting, but I don't want to become a prisoner in my home wondering if he's out there and I really don't want to regress, I've come so far in so many ways. Can anyone offer any advice? I don't want to speak with anyone in real life about this, my husband would worry and most friends have no idea whatsoever of my history.

I think you should tallk to your husband or someone else close in the first instance. It is not your fault that you were abused as a girl and you need support rather than putting 100% of the stress of the situation on your shoulders. You already have nightmares and a psychologist/counsellor would probably say that's because you've been trying to repress the memory rather than tackle it head on. I would also contact the police as a precaution. If he has a criminal record of any description they will be aware of him. How much they can tell you I'm not sure. Social services may also be another point of contact if he's spent time in a secure mental health unit.

Above all, keep telling yourself that you're not a young girl any more, you're not alone and he has no power over you any more.

Thank you for your thoughtful reply, Cogito. I'll try and sum up the courage to talk to my DH, and the local police force's website says that there are local domestic abuse officers, so I will give them a call I think. He had a lengthy criminal record back then, so I would imagine if he is here they will be aware of it. I guess now might be a time for me to consider some therapy also, the strength of reaction I've had to this has shaken me. Thank you again, I really appreciate it.

Maybe this will prove to be a cathartic moment. Get back what was taken 17 years ago and come out of it stronger and happier. You get to "tell the truth and shame the devil".... literally. Very best of luck

I think WA ought to be a good resource too, as this would be more you dealing with the impact of the events you experienced, your feelings etc.

This WILL be OK, you are not that girl anymore, you are not alone, neither in RL or on here. keep posting. (oh just seen Cogito's near identical words...) ^ what she said then!

17 years is a very long time and, as an adult married woman, you are far from being the vulnerable young girl who was abused by a man who, from what you've said, had mental health issues

It could be that his memories of events are substantially different from your own and, were you to come face to face with him while you're out and about, he may greet you as if you are a long lost friend.

It could also be that the passing of time has altered him for the better; he may be married with dc or have a significant other and could now be harmless as far as society and you are concerned.

As it would seem that this man was not charged with any offence against your or was subject to a restraining order obtained by you, the police are not a liberty to disclose any information about him that you're not already aware of.

However, as he may be staying/living near to your home, I would suggest that you give the police a call on the non-emergency number and ask to speak to your local Community Police Officer and tell him/her what you've said here.

If they don't know already, your CPO will no doubt be interested to learn of a possible new arrival on their patch who has 'form' and you can rest assured that, if this man has continued to offend, his presence will be duly noted and passed to other divisions within your regional police authority.

With regard to your dh, only you know what his likely reaction to this man's possible move to your neighbourhood may be. Does he know what you endured at the hands of this man or is he unaware of that part of your past?

Whether or not you decide to tell your dh, you have lived with a monster in your head for far too long and I hope you will act on Cogito's advice to source a counsellor or therapist who specialises in dv. To this end, your local Women's Aid service may be able to recommend therapists - visit www.womensaid.org.uk to locate your nearest office and give them a call.

This man no longer has the power to harm you physically but, neverthless, it would be sensible to keep a mobile phone to hand at all times when you're out of your home and don't hesitate to call 999 if you have any cause whatsoever to believe that he may pose a threat to you.