family dynamics. interfering or caring?

[imisssleepandwine]

My brother sent my mum a really strongly worded email on mothersday about her being controlling and interfering, he also mentioned that i was interfering and gossiping about him. My mum replied saying that she was really sorry, she calls because she wants to talk to him because she loves and cares about him. They have only spoken twice in six months, she calls and leaves a voice mail or sends a chit chat email about once every week or two to try and keep in touch with him. She's been really worried about him, upset and worried that he might be really depressed or that she's done something wrong. We all used to have a great relationship and it's just been getting colder and colder. We were living far away.

He was sick so i was sending articles about his illness now and again to try an show i was interested and cared. This was perceived as interfering, i get it, some people just don't want advise? I ask him and his family out now and again but it's almost always a no. The few times he has met us it's with the kids and he has seemed uncomfortable and makes excuses to leave after a short time. I have been trying to get him on his own to have a chat for months but he always has a reason not to meet me. I've also been trying to talk to his wife (we used to be close) to meet me for a coffee or go to the park with the kids but again it never happens. I've asked him what's wrong and he always says nothing. My intention and my mothers have always been good. I am going to send him an email saying i'm sorry and that my intentions were good, that i'll stay out of his business and ask him to call or email if he wants to catch up.

My problem is he probably won't want to catch up. I really think he could just forget about us all (his siblings and my mum).

My dad done the same, wouldn't be in when we called, cancelled appointments and things felt strained when he did come so we stopped trying. He had a huge problem with depression and alcohol and died alone a few years ago.. All of us have been feeling that we could have done more ect. I worry that the same thing might happen to my brother (depression /alcohol /breakdown last year)

So what do I do? Just forget the relationship then feel guilty later on if something does happen. or keep trying?

I am trying not to give too much detail... don't want to gossip or be outted!!

i guess you send him an email saying you don't want to do - you love him and care about him so you want to keep in touch and be part of his life but you don't want to seem like you're interfering, that you're not here to judge or interfere you just want to be his sister and a part of his life and you will always be there for him and not to judge.

i dont' know what else you can do sadly.

it's strange about his wife - any clues as to what that could be about? he's not aggressive is he?

If he wants to be alone, there's not really much you can do about it. And if his choices lead to him dying alone, then it's hardly your fault, so why feel guilty?

My problem is he probably won't want to catch up. I really think he could just forget about us all (his siblings and my mum).

It's his choice if he does.

I am going to send him an email saying i'm sorry and that my intentions were good, that i'll stay out of his business and ask him to call or email if he wants to catch up.

Leaving the ball in his court is probably the right move now.

For your own peace of mind, try not to worry at it and let him make up his own mind on whether he wants to reach out to you or not.

just a thought that's been wittering away at the back of mind - was there anything abusive about his childhood? was he mistreated in anyway or did he witness difficult stuff?

this cutting contact and feeling angry towards the family (and his wife now veering away as well) might make sense in that context.

Thanks for all your replies.

I'm going to send him an email today saying sorry and to call or email me when he wants to talk. i'll leave with him then. I'll send birthday cards etc to keep up contact but if he's not interested there isn't much i can do.

I just don't want something to happen and then think "why didn't I do more" When he had a breakdown i know he considered suicide.

swallowedAfly - About his wife, she always seems nice and my brother is not aggressive, but he can be moody and just seems angry with the world? However she is definitely the boss in that relationship. When he had a breakdown he told me that he felt she was controlling him? We had a complicated upbringing but he wasn't abused (at least not that i am aware of). Our family is far from perfect but it's the only one we have.

just bear in mind that different siblings experience things differently - could be gender, their age differences, the way they were or weren't favoured by an adult in the family, things they witnessed that the others did not, the way their temperament combined with the conditions whereby another child had a different outcome etc.

it sounds like he sees you and your mum as 'one' in some way. maybe he perceived himself as the outsider or the one who was like his dad. do you know what i'm saying? he might remember and have experienced his childhood very differently to you.

given that ^ just try and approach him as a person rather than a representative of the family or something and be approachable as an individual rather than a unit iyswim.

Thanks swallowedAfly

That's a very good point, he doesn't know all my demons and i'm sure i don't know all his. All childhood experiences are different because they are viewed from an individuals perspective. We all perceive things in a unique way and what could have been a trivial matter for me could of been huge for him?

I know he internalizes things and worries a lot. I know he can be paranoid and anxious and feels awkward in groups. I am generally not like that but can empathize as i have suffered depression in the past.

He is definitely angry and bitter about something I just wish he's let me or mum know what it is so it can be dealt with. i sent the email so i'll wait and see if he replies.