I don't know how to go on

[daisystone]

H moved out in Summer after an arguement. I never thought is would escalate the way it has and now our house is being sold and my 16 month daughter and I are living somewhere else and relying mainly on benefits. I know he still loved me but said I had hurt him with my behaviour (some of which was post natal). I thought he was seeing a girl who was a shoulder to cry on when we first argued and he denied it every time I asked.

We have slept together a few times over the last eight months and discussed getting back together etc. Last week I found out he had moved in to his own place from his mother's where he said he still was. He had not told me he had moved. Then I found out he had moved in with this girl and then after a few days asked her to move out again. I called her and she confirmed he asked her to go but she would not say why. I texted him I knew and still he denied it and said I was creating 'alternate realities'. The last time we had sex was January when he stayed the night in my new house with my daughter and I and when we were going to sleep he said 'i love you' and when I did not respond because I was on the verge of sleep he said again 'i love you, can you hear me?'.

Today I went for an AIDS and std check. AIDS test needs to be after 3 months really for it to show in your system so I will have to go back again and have another test in a couple of months. It was hard and I cried in front of the nurse who was very understanding.

Why why why why did he move in with her for a few days and then have a change of heart? Why has he sent me messages and told me he still loves me and that he still only has eyes for me and has not even looked at another woman? I indicated a few weeks ago that someone had paid me some attention and he went ballistic and said it was too soon and he could not believe I was lining up his replacement so soon. All the time he was seeing her and planning on moving in with her. He lied and lied and lied and even when the lie is found out he still continued to lie.

He has also told me he is very ill and is receiving treatment but after speaking to the hospital and they checked his name and date of birth there is no record of him going there for tests or treatment. What is going on? I have tried contacting the girl for more answers but she avoids my calls . I know I should leave it and this marriage is dead dead dead but I don't understand and I can't seem to let it go. Why and how can he say he loves me so recently and then treat my daughter and I like this. He knows I went for tests today and not even an apology from him.

How do I get over this? I feel so lonely and so desperate and so lied to. I keep thinking about our wedding day and all the other lovely memories and I cannot believe this is the same person.

I am going to the doctor tomorrow because I think I need to speak to a counsellor.
I gave him my life. I had his child. How could he lie to me again and again?

How do you have this girls contact details? ANd why on earth do you think it's acceptable to call the hospital and ask for private information? Above all else, that's what stands out for me.

Because he's a bastard.

Read back everything you have written.

This is a horrible man who doesn't care about anyone but himself.

He really is buggering you about isn't he?

He has told you one thing, done another, than effectively said you're bonkers.

Don't try and contact the other woman again.

See your doctor and get a good solicitor.

i think you were right to call the hospital. he has been gaslighting you, and you were right to want to confirm that you were not crazy, and that he was lying to you. the hospital would not have released any information that they weren't permitted to, in any case.

he is a bastard. that is why he did what he did. it's hard to accept that but sometimes people are just horrible and uncaring and manipulative. nobody deserves that sort of treatment.

i'm glad you're going to the Dr. my heart broke for you a little when you said you cried when you were with the nurse. you poor thing.

you will get through this. the anger will fade and you'll move on. the counselling will help.

thinking of you x

He is a bastard

The first reply said the standout things were that I had contacted the other girl and that I had called the hospital. Really? They were the standout things for you? I called the hospital because I was worried out of my mind after he told me he had cancer and then refused to communicate with me anymore. I knew they would not disclose medical information but wanted whatever information they COULD give me. After all the lied I needed to know if it was true. After speaking to several people in several departments, none of them could find his name or details. What does that leave me with? Either way it would have been awful. If he had had cancer it would have been awful, if he was lying it would have been awful. It seems that he lied.

What have I done wrong again? I really don't see what is wrong with caring and wanting to know.

Hugs.
You have done nothing wrong.

He is a bastard.

He is keeping one foot in the door, don't let him walk all over you like this. Take charge of what YOU want to do. Every time you cry and plead with him he gets braver and every time you tell him what you are doing he manipulates you with his tantrums.

He probably moved her out because she started acting like a wife and wanted more from him which he is not prepared to give anyone. He has tasted freedom and its his drug of choice.

Wake up soon to smell the coffee, he is in total as long as he can reduce you to tears like this. If you spend your energy trying to analyse him that is time wasted. You can never analyse and get answers, it will only be guesswork. You will never be able to be totally sure of this guy. Put all your energy back into your own life.

He is telling you he loves you because it controls what you do next. Don't believe him he is not acting like a man who understands love, except love of himself.

You get over it by letting him go. Wish him on his way. Your own inner self talk is crippling you. He is confusing you by telling you he loves you. He is a selfish, self centred person who wants what he wants when he wants it, and he wants out, otherwise he would be begging you for forgiveness and building a life. Be very careful you don't let him fool you that he wants you and a life together.

This is very hard to hear, but let him go he will waste your life if you believe him. Be strong, you will feel better the more options you have. You will feel worse the fewer options you have. Big big MN hugs.......

Are you absolutely sure he's lied about having cancer?

Oh my God rightchoice you are right. You are right. Do you want to be my therapist?! But seriously, I read your response and it triggered such a response in me. I was nodding as I read it and without knowing me or him or anything apart from what I have written you are bang on and I know it. You are right about what he is doing and the control - everything. You are just right.

I think I may have to start cyber stalking you and seeing what other advice you give. I just feel like I know nothing. I am an educated smart and confident woman - or I was. I just feel like I have nothing left and that I don't know myself anymore. Even a strangers words can have an affect on me. How sad that I have to listen to people I don't even know tell me things that once upon a time I would have automatically shouted to any woman in my situation. I was never this person.

Thank you everyone. You are all right - obviously. I just cannot seem to see through this fog of lies.

You have done nothing wrong.

And there is nothing wrong about caring per se, but you will only be doing yourself harm if you continue to care about what this inadequate specimen says, thinks or does.

Who cares why he lied and generally acted like a bastard? He did it because he's a bastard. Not because there is anything inherently wrong with you.

Dry your tears, hold your baby tight, and move on.

And for god's sake don't sleep with him or seek out further information about where else he is putting his penis. You've got your own shining future to deal with now; the vagaries of his life are no more your concern, and obsessing over them will only drag you down.

No - i am not absolutely sure he has not got cancer. unless I speak to his doctor (which is impossible because of doctor confidentiality) I would not know. That is assuming he has a doctor which according to the hospitals in Essex he does not. He specifically said he went to a hospital in Essex ( there are only two - he told me the one but I am just not naming it to be a bit vague).
He gave me specifics about what had happened and when I asked a bit more he stopped talking. There is no record. Somewhere along the line there is a lie or a whole heap of lies. I don't want him to have cancer - I would rather find out he doesn't. But there is NO record of him and having spoken to his brother and mother and this other girl, none of them have seen any signs of anything wrong. It is a lie.

Just wondered if maybe that was the reason behind the change of heart. If he was going through that, he's not going to want to go through it with his mistress. But even if that were true, he's still a bastard for all the reasons above.

Keep telling me. It is like a slap around the face but a good one. I need to hear that he is a waste of space lying bastard. I know it but I don't trust myself or my own opinion anymore. I am so used to being told I am imagining things and being hysterical. Tell me tell me tell me. I need to hear what a muppet I am. I need to move on from this lying adulterous waste of space shithead.

I'm such a stupid gullible idiot.

Nanetta Stocker - funnily enough that is the reason he gave me for wanting to suddently spend more time with us recently. He still did not say he was living with someone else or had been but he texted to say that when he found out he wanted to spend all his free time with me and our daughter. OF course, this tugged at my heart strings, but then I found out he had been living with her and then I found out that the hospital had no record of him.

So what is there left to think? What you said was clearly what he wanted me to think.

Thought I might be spot on! I sussed him the moment I read your post. This guy is a classic manipulator. He will be clever at making you believe that you are the one he really loves. That you are the most important woman in his life, even though he actually does not want to spend a moment longer with you than he has to - unless of course he has nothing better to do at that moment.

You must not sleep with him again. When you do you equate it to love, when he does he truly is 'having a laugh'. I can get her to do anything - only have to click my fingers, look a little lost, give her that special smile, that look that means we know each other so well. But of course you don't. He is a dark horse, and you and your beautiful DC need to understand that your love is wasted, because this man is selfish.

I say this with such passion because his actions are classic.

Move on - don't look back. LET GO. More MN hugs from me.

Jesus Christ what is it with you? Everything you say makes me start bawling! I wish I had an internal monologue telling me this but my internal monologue is me going over the past and thinking how when he said x he must have meant it etc etc. I'm a fucking idiot and why is he such a fucking liar when i KNOW he loved the crap out of me before. I KNOW IT. He was so in love with me. That's why this is all so hard to understand and get my head around. His behaviour is shocking and out of character and unexplainable. If you had said 13 months ago that this was going to happen I would have laughed and said are you joking?!

It all went so wrong so quickly and strangely. Even though we were still in love he couldn't or wouldn't put the effort in to making it right - even though we had a baby. I don't know what to think. i always thought that if you loved someone you did everything you could to make it work. Why wouldn't you?

Now you have worked it out.

Your love for him was so complete, so utterly deep that you imagined that his love for you was a mirror image. We assume their feelings are a mirror image of ours, and that is not always so. He may at the time you married have loved you more than anyone he had ever known. He may well have believed it.

The problem here is that your love was forever, and his was for now.

It is natural for us when we love, to assume the object of our love will have the same standards (in love) to us. If we would never cheat, then we assume they must think the same. That is why so many people get side swiped when they realise that their standards are not shared by the object of their love.

It is only when we wise up and realise that actions speak far far louder than words that we are able to accept what is happening in front of our eyes rather than resist it. You might love him but do you like him???

You are trying to understand him, and it is a lost cause. Understand yourself instead, sometimes we need to ask not what is wrong with him, but what is wrong with us for putting up with it. Be strong, work on you, and move on. More hugs....

thankyou - really. I am trying to go by what you say. I feel myself swinging wildy into depression and back into bulimia and it scares the shit out of me as I thought that part of my life was long gone. I honestly thought he was honest. He once said I could never forgive you if you were unfaithful. Faithfulness was so important to him (and to me!) . now he would say, well we were separated...

I never wanted to be separated, he put that label on us even though he blamed me for kicking him out after an arguement. oh, what is the point in even thinking about it? it does nothing does it? He let a good thing go and i hope he never finds love again. Love and hate are so close it is hard to see where one stops and the other starts.

If it were me I would actually hope he finds love - then he is at least out of your hair. You are right there is little point in thinking about it - I bet his thoughts are somewhere else right now.

The person to think of is YOU. If you have happy exciting, forward thinking thoughs you will not feel low, you will feel excited. You are single, you are free, you are young and healthy. You have a healthy child, come on add to the list see if you can get to one hundred lovely things just about you.

And still he professes his innocence! He texted me first thing this morning to say I did not need to go for the AIDS and std tests. He said he hadn't lied etc etc and had lost weight (still on with the illness charade)

I did text back - i know I shouldn't. Just said he had not addressed why there was no record of him at the hospital and he also hadn't addressed going out with and briefly living with that other girl. Reiterated that I thought he was a compulsive liar.

Just received a response which was 'oh how wrong you are'

Seriously, how long is he going to keep it up?

I won't respond. How can you keep up a lie like this? Isn't there a time when you say enough is enough?

I won't respond.

Glad to hear it. The more you engage, the more he'll spin his web of lies and fuck with your head. Keep any conversations factual and about DC only.

Isn't there a time when you say enough is enough?

Not when the drama is being fed by you as well as him - sorry, but by engaging with him again on his lies and actions you have made it obvious to him he still has you on the hook. And that, probably, with enough effort on his part he can reel you back in.

If you want to play a game with him (and I don't think you should) you're giving away all your cards. You've admitted you phoned the hospitals looking for evidence of his treatment there (and in reality all you've found is that they aren't able to confirm it to you, which could be for a number of reasons).

Every time you engage you reset the clock to zero and have to wait it out again until he will finally move on and leave you alone. He's probably now concocting a story to explain all the charges against him that you put in that text - when what possible difference could it make what answers he comes up with?

Btw I've read on MN that a trick of manipulators to convince their victims they're losing weight is to wear clothes which are a few sizes too big.

Everything you say is correct and makes sense. Because I am not a liar myself and never have been I don't understand people who do lie like this. Of course I tell white lies but these sort of lies - never. Why do people do it? It is so mad. If you saw it in a soap opera you would think, what a ridiculous story. Man says he has cancer and lies about girlfriend to make her think he has done nothing wrong etc.

I just feel sorry for DD. She's a delight and she really deserves better.

She has you.

Why do people do it? You can spend a lifetime thinking about the answer if you want, or you can say, why do I waste time wondering about it when I have an adorable DD who I have to guide and protect.

This guy has truly manipulated you. He has you spending all your waking time thinking about one thing or another all to do with him. He sends you a text first thing, that locks you in for the morning - you eventually respond and that gets a reply later - all the time he is spinning - oh how wrong you are he says, and he is playing. He knows you, he has done a number on you and you have fallen for it hook line and sinker.

What you need to do is, block his number. I know you have a DD but before mobile phones people communicated without the constant contact infecting peoples psyche. When you spend your whole time thinking about him, wondering about why, how, when, if, you know it is as much your probem as his it is like you are living through him rather than breaking free from him.

You need to inch back, every day limit yourself to a fixed amount of time to deal with his rubbish and live your life, regain your persception. You are bright, intellengent and percetive, but you have to step back from him and work on you. Let go, and let him see you don't need him to live or love.