depressed/fed up or just plain jealous n weird

[alisonsmum]

Im feeling very fed up and in need of some advice.

im 28, dh is 40. we have two children dd 2.5 and ds 6months

im feeling very fed up atm, have done really since ds was born 6 months ago. The birth didnt go as planned (neither did dd birth). I longed for to dh to be proud of me, to think i did well..he never showed me this. I wanted him to be over joyed n shed a tear...this did not happen. He looked knackered and desperate to go home tbh. I remember crying for him to stay a bit longer with me as post emergency c.section i felt vulnerable and unable to cope with ds.

Over the last few months ive become increasingly jealous of other peoples experiences and relationships too. People that dh works with have since had babies and im insanely jealous that they must really love their wives/gfs for doing well and for being wonderful when im fucking rubbish.

dh is lovely, helps with the kids and around the house. Ive no complaints their. The problem seems to be me and my fucking uselssness. Im fat, tried n grumpy and i wish i was thin/smiley n outgoing for dh....i want him to love me like mad and to think im the best wife ever

am i nuts? please be nice...am i depressed? i feel shit, totally shit

sooooooooooooo sorry about spelling n punctuation. Just re-reading that is a bit muddled

Sorry you feel like this. You do sound depressed - it might be PND, or it might simply be that you are unappreciated and unsupported. Having 2 pre-school children is really hard. Do you ever get a break to do things for yourself and/or go out? Not even with DH but with your family or friends? Does your DH criticise you or put you down?

The problem is almost certainly not that you are in any way lacking, but if you feel up to giving us a bit more info it would help to see whether it is medical or a problem in your relationship.

You sound like you depend on his opinion of you for your own sense of self-worth.

No-one can be happy without a solid bedrock of self-esteem of their own, that is not dependent on other people or on external circumstances.

Is counselling an option for you?

Have you spoken to your GP/health visitor about post natal depression?

Poor you

Trust me, those perfect families will be struggling too. Speak to your HV or GP. You're not nuts - pretty normal I'd say. It's only celebs who are skinny, lively and cheery and that's because they have an army of personal trainers, nannies, housekeepers, surgeons, drugs etc.

I think you might be depressed. That doesn't make you a failure. Maybe your DH is feeling the strain too, which is why he's not being very demonstrative at the moment. Do you have any r/l support?

And remember the mn mantra - 'this too will pass' x

thankyou for your replies

i dont really get a break no, ive just gone back to work (part time) and my mum looks after the kids for me when im at work.

My mums good..im at her place most afternoons on my days off; just to get out of the house really. She helps me with the kids but im quite guarded around others and put on a 'im fine' face. I get help from my mum with the kids, but with me there too. I dont ever get to leave them with my mum or anyone else...not even for an hour to go shoppping/out/just have a rest.

my dh doesnt criticise. I moan a lot to dh because im soooo guarded with others and wont ever let them see im not managing. He helps me a lot and does give good advice but somehow this is leaving me even more open to this useless feeling. Almost like the guys he works with have a better time because their wives are proper grown ups who get on and manage with the kids and house stuff ( i moan and groan a lot and get upset n down)

I did speak to the hv and gp a month or so after ds was born and they suggested getting out more (which i did) and tbh i did feel a bit better some days. I went back to hv and gp and said i felt better...despite having plenty of 'off days' still.

I just want my dh to be proud..hes under loads of stress with work atm and im not helping

Hi Alisonsmum

You sound rather miserable at the moment and sympathise. When you?ve given birth there?s an expectation that you should be glowing, radiant and full of life and vibrancy that your body has created, nurtured and produced this wondrous miracle of nature. The reality, for you and me anyway, is that on bad days you feel fat, wobbly, insecure and inadequate and therefore, unlovable.

You are neither unlovable nor rubbish at this!

Your DD has gotten to 2 ½ and I?m betting that her face lights up when you enter the room ? that is not rubbish!

I?d bet that your DS is soothed by your cuddles ? that is not unlovable!

Some women find motherhood a doddle, and hats off to those women and good luck to you all. Other women find it a bit more difficult. Sometimes we deal with pre-existing issues of inadequacy or body image or self-worth, and motherhood magnifies all those issues x 1000. From what you?ve said, it does sound like you might need a little extra support in the form of a sympathetic health visitor/GP and/or a counsellor.

I bet the guys at work don't betray their wives confidences any more than your dh does - so you'll hear about how great they aren't never about how they get snapped at in the middle of the night for "doing it wrong".

Everyone puts on a brave face for the outside world. Your dh will be in the staffroom at work saying, "Yeah, alisonsmum is back at work already, she's always taking the kids places, kids are great, I try and get home in time to read them a story before bed... So, what do you reckon to the footy last night then?"

The trick is to know how much of it's bollocks

oh guys thankyou

purplepidjin........thats exactly what i hear from dh, 'someone at works wife is this that n the other n she n kids r doing great'...makes me feel fucking shit n jealous

think im gonna see my gp
just eaten my weight in crap..think i need to be sick i feel guilty :(

'someone at works wife is this that n the other n she n kids r doing great' - no, she maybe just makes out to the world that she is! In private she's probably suffering with mastitis, a child who won't feed, another child who's hyperactive and a husband who doesn't give a toss! People might make out that they're doing fine when actually they're not, and it takes a very brave person to admit that things aren't fine!

Remember - that's what they're hearing about you

You do sound depressed. I would definitely get yourself down to your GP and tell them you think you've got PND. You will be taken seriously.

The feelings are describing are not "normal". We all feel shit from time to time and envious of others supposed perfect lives but these feelings shouldn't take over your life like they have for you. I really hope you get the help you need. Good luck.

"'someone at works wife is this that n the other n she n kids r doing great'"

Argh that is soooo annoying. DH's friend's wife gave birth 2 weeks after me. Every so often I'd get little comments which bugged the hell out of me, like their DS slept through the night from 6 weeks, she's back at work after 3 months looking radiant, their DS is now sleeping 12 hours a night etc. etc.

Used to get right on my nerves like it was a criticism of me and our DS. I found myself questionning DH trying to find out if it really was true (the 12 hour one wasn't - it' s impossible with the hours they work and when they take the baby to the childminder).

Then I was quizzing him as to what he'd said about me and DS. Did he say how DS is an awful sleeper? That he has reflux so we're all permanently covered in sick? That I have lost all my pregnancy weight but in actual fact have realised that the weight I've lost was muscle so now I weigh like I did last year but its all flab?

DH assured me that he didn't say anything like that, that he only mentions positive things (DS sat up unaided fairly early and has a gorgeous smile etc.) so I think the world gets an image that DS and I are doing great, whereas I feel like I'm struggling.

so today started out ok, now im feeling wobbly again. tired n useless. I dont know what me n the kids r gonna do today. I dont know if i have the confidence to face the outside world today; but we stayed in all day yesterday.

We r all showered n dressed n i could take them out but i just feel like i could cry..why am i sooo bothered about other peoples view of me?

thankyou for the replies btw..its helping me xx

Is there a little play park you could take them to? Let them potter around and get tired so they nap later.

Bad Mum's don't care. You care, therefore you're a good Mum.

ive phoned the doctor this morning and they have a book on the day appointment on monday or else wednesday next week..ill ring monday.

im gonna take them to the park later..baby is asleep atm so am just trying to get dd to nap for an hour too. think the fresh air later will do us all good xx

why am i sooo bothered about other peoples view of me?

That is such a common feeling to have, alisonsmum. You are not alone in feeling this way.

Depression, feelings of low self-worth, needing validation from others when we are unable to love our own selves... these are all part of the same big ball of emotions.

I'm glad you have taken the step to book a GP appointment. Do tell them how you are feeling - everything you've told us. You would definitely benefit from being referred to counseling to help you unravel and work through all these painful emotions.

FWIW, I think you sound lovely.

baby and dd had a nap for an hour this afternoon, then we went to the park. The fresh air was lovely. We collected dh from work (only have 1 car till dh gets his company car) and things have been ok this evening.

Im at work tomorrow n feeling a bit nervous about that. Ive only done a few shifts since returning from mat leave so i think i need some more time to settle back in. Ill get up early in the morning to do my hair n make-up because that seems to boost my confidence a tiny bit. Its a 12 hour shift and am gonna miss the kids a lot..hopefully i can function as a normal adult and join in some proper conversation. eeekkk am seriously wound up..

thnakyou all for replying to me xx

hotDAMN...thankyou xx