How do you get past the bitterness and anger?

[starsintheireyes]

Basic backstory, exp and i together a decade, not married but 3 kids together. split last yr due to agression/anger probs, he met someone 6wks later, moved in with her after 3 months and is getting hitched to her this summer. I have a new relationship, although its more fwb, but he is getting a bit more involved eg staying when the kids are home etc(but hes known the kids 4yrs)

Im still so fucking angry and bitter about everything, it seems to go in dips and troughs but it consumes me. I never agreed with the way he went about everything eg introducing her to the kids after knowing her 2 weeks, leaving our kids with her for an entire day after hed known her about 6wks, her saying our son should be out of pullups, taking away our daughters dummy whens shes with them(19m), her planning to go to my dcs parents evenings. i feel like sometimes theyre deliberately trying to antagonise me.

It makes me so cross, at the moment im so depressed, so worried about money, im scrimping and saving to buy the dcs stuff they need eg £35 for school shoes for oldest dc, when the same weekend he takes them off to crealy for the day on a whim. Whilst thats great for the kids, i feel im getting a raw deal as i cant afford that and hes becoming a disney dad when before we split he was violent and agressive towards them. now hes acting like the perfect family man who can do no wrong.

I try so hard not to think about it all, but i have to see them every week to hand the children over for contact and even if im not thinking about it, im fkin dreaming about everything. I feel tired,really depressed, and sick of this life

please someone slap me or tell me how to become less angry about everything, I cant go on like this

.

The twat may be giving a good impression of 'disney dad' but he's not changed, honey. The way he was with you will be the way he becomes to his unsuspecting bride to be, and I suspect that one of the reasons why he's getting married with such haste is to rub your nose in it.

It'll be hard but you're best advised to try and rise above any attempt to antagonise you because the chances are it won't last once he/they realise that you don't give a toss about his/their pathetic games.

As for her going to your dcs' parents evening, I don't see that's at all necessary or appropriate and I suggest you have a quiet word with the headteacher who may decree that, for reasons of time/space or some such, only the actual parents of a pupil or their official carers should attend events that are set aside for discussing educational progress and development.

With regard to money, it doesn't make it right and it doesn't make it fair, but try to find some solace from knowing that you're in the same boat as countless other single parents.

Above all, know that in time your understandable bitterness will eventually fade and that you've always got a place to vent your anger here.

As it sounds as if they are truly deserving of each other, I have no doubt that you'll have the last laugh and something tells me that you won't have to wait very long before you have reasons to be cheerful

Can you find someone else do do hand overs for a while until the rawness has died down a little?

You can't do anything about what he has done regarding introductions or leaving your children with her. He is their parent too and unfortunately wrong as it may seem was able to make them decisions. So let it go. Admit to yourself he is a selfish wanker and try and let it go for your own good.

You have got many many years ahead of you co-parenting with this twat. If you let him wind you up he will do so and take great pleasure in doing so for the next 15/20 years. Let the little battles go for your own good. Concentrate on the big important ones when they crop up.

Easy to type down, much harder to do I know. All you can really do is be the best parent you can to your children and bring them up to know right from wrong as well as possible. Good luck.

But where to draw the line on whats important and whats not?

And izzy thanks, your post cheered me up as i can only agree

Things like the pull ups. If they take him out of pull ups at their place your DS will either piss all over their place until they realise he is not ready (their pissy house, their pissy beds, their pissy furniture, not your problem) or he doesn't in which case maybe he is ready not to have them.

As long as they are not leaving your son in wet pissy clothes (neglect) or telling him off as he clearly isn't ready then leave them to it on their watch. If they are doing either of these that is when you step in and tell them to stop mistreating your son.

If they are together long term then I imagine she will get involved in homework/schooling if they have homework while at hers. Book separate sessions at parents evenings. Or deal with the teachers at other times.

It is better to have her interested (even if it is only pretend to wind you up as she will get bored when you don't respond) than downright nasty and hateful towards your little ones. If it stops him being violent and aggressive towards them in the future and they have a better father/child relationship that is better for your DC too.

If it is all done just to wind you up then you are giving them exactly what they want and they will be smirking all the way back home.

Just disconnect from them. A non committal uh huh and carry on doing what you do which is what you think is best for your DC.

You are getting a raw deal and it really isn't fair though . As the better parent/person you get to lump it. /hugs

Never fear, honey; it's likely that the novelty of their nauseating coupledom will wear off before the confetti has biodegraded.

Has the ow got any dc of her own? If not, when she has her very own pfb with your h she'll find that, even if she hasn't had twins, she'll have 2 children to care for

BTW, as long as your dc are happy and achieving their milestones everything else pales into insignificance. Don't sweat the small stuff and make the most of your eminently sensible fwb arrangement.

xales- They had a conversation in his earshot too, about how hes old enough to be out of them how its nasty and embarrassing that he still wears them. Frankly, i wet the bed till 15 and im sure he will come out of them when hes ready, as our oldest ds did at a fairly late age of his own accord. He not at an age that would be a concern to drs yet so i am unconcerned also.

I told her maybe things will improve and that shell become more involved in the future maybe if we can all get along better but I still think to coparent effectively she needs to back off slightly as she is stepping on my toes, them not being together a yr yet and all.

Yes i know im lucky shes interested and not horrible etc and theres less chance of him behaving as he did before with her there. I just dont understand why, if theyre so happy they have to keep antagonising me.

Thats funny you should say that, ive done the uh huh thing since dec, just hard not to respond when a mountian of niggles builds up and they stoke it.

izzy- maybe, maybe not, in some ways i hope not for the next 16yrs anyway, i dont want the kids going through anymore than they already have. At least if they are happy itll be a better stable life for our dcs than exp having multiple women in and out of his and their life.

yes she has dd, toddler. so i do take offence when she tries to take over parenting wise, espec as i have 3, ranging from baby to teen and one with problems!
Ive asked for rules and consequences to be consistant, back off and let us coparent and deal with schooling, and to tell me when they take my kids away overnight. I dont think thats alot to ask, but will see if they stick by it come next week when parents eve is. it only took 11 hours!

and Xales- Thats a good idea, i may have to scrimp enough for a taxi for them there and back each week, would save having to come face to face with them week in week out!

It sounds like you have unresolved issues over the split, and you are angry he seems to be having a great time with his new woman whilst you are left struggling with the practicalities of bringing up and supporting 3 children on your own. I have been there and it does get better, honest!

Are you getting any maintenance off your ex?

How old is the ds in pull ups?

not alot rhino, it basically covers the petrol to get them to school for the month. whilst im grateful for that(if thats the right word) and alot of lp dont get any but that leaves nothing for anything else. what makes me bitter is trying to support the dcs, trying to pay off old debt(from exp too)and not having the spare cash to use for treats. The ds in pullups is below the age of concern, see eric website, dont want to disclose his age on here!

Does he pay via CSA? And why isn't he paying his own debts?

Re the pull ups, was just thinking if you could get him out of those, would save you some money.

Have you thought about doing mystery shopping? I did that when I was in a similar position, it doesn't give you a lot, but you get to keep the stuff you buy, and the odd fiver here and there, can factor it into your shopping and gives you some treat money. It's good fun too.

No through private arrangement and the debts were made together but in my name as he couldnt get credit for yrs. The pullups arent really a massive expense, i use a budget brand so only under £4 for a month, id rather that then having to wash and tumble wet sheets every single day which will inevitably cost a load more. That is the reason i want to wait till better weather till pushing the issue.

thought about things like MS but always unsure which sites are legit for signing up for it, how do you get into it?

For MS go on moneysavingexpert.com and search for it. The one I used was called retail eyes but in this climate not sure if they are still going. Other posters on here might know more.

Hello Hun, Im years down the line and still get pangs of anger and want to scream occasionally. The sheer injustice of it all and having it rubbed in your face by their apparently perfect life can sometimes just get too much. We are only human and I think its a pretty normal reaction.
I deal with it my journaling everything - literally every little thing that annoys me I write down. It is utter drivel and often makes no sense a few days later but oh my its such a release. I can play out scenarios, plan responses and predict their response and its a great tool. Just dont leave them anywhere some one else can read them!!

Look on the bright side, OW got the booby prize. She's got to live with the bugger. Right now she thinks she's so good at handling him, not realising he is only able to be nice because his aggression currently has another target. Time will give you the last laugh, never fear.

Thats a good point annie!

I think you have to accept when separated that the other parent will have different ways of parenting to you. At 19 months I would remove a dummy from a kid as I think it affects their speech and teeth so if my ex and I couldn't agree on dummies they would have a dummy at his house and no dummy at mine.
I think you do have to accept that when the kids are with him he makes the parenting decisions not you and not see it as a battle. If the main reason for you having your son in pullups is washing then as he will be doing the washing at his house again it isn't your problem if he wants to try his son without pull ups.
When my kids are with their dad it is up to him how he parents them who they see and where they go, as long as they aren't being abused.
I think you need to relinquish control a bit and accept he has as much right to make parenting decisions as you.
I wouldn't want her at parents evening though and would refuse to go with her.

Am not much use on the bitterness and anger part (still having that but only a year since XH left) but I do know about mystery shopping. I don't make loads but it can bring in a bit and I find is good for getting me out of the house etc.

This thread on MSE is very good and gives details of mystery shopping companies. Am happy to go on more about MS if you want to PM me. One thing to remember is that for some jobs you need to pay for things and then get reimbursed so cash flow at the beginning can be a little tricky. Also you are self employed so will need to do a tax return. But overall I enjoy it. Retail Eyes are still going although they are now called Market Force.