Need to talk but don't know who to (sorry, ended up really long)

[rebecca71]

I have been having huge rows with DH recently (well, I say rows, he has been going off on one at me - sometimes I get frustrated and shout back, other times I try to stay calm, most of the time I cry) and just feel so lonely when it happens.

I desperately want to talk to someone, but don't feel I can talk to anyone in RL. I don't want to worry my family and I have already been through a divorce so I'm embarrassed that I seem to be failing at another relationship, especially as there are children involved again.

Basically, DH is tired and stressed because of work and ongoing issues with his ex/DSS. He doesn't deal with this well and it manifests itself by him getting very angry about the DC's behaviour. Not to them, but to me for allegedly not backing up his house rules. I don't think this is true - I am more lenient with them, but still insist on boundaries etc. The eldest is 5 so I think he is just expecting too much. I also failed to spot that my ex missed his last maintenance payment which it is normally my responsibility to keep an eye on. I know I am in the wrong there, but was very ill around the time it was due, and have anyway apologised and will chase it immediately.

DH though just won't let anything drop, even when I am distraught (admittedly I can be quite emotional, but I am also tired from a pressured job, two DC and am pregnant) and has now accused me of ignoring all the things that are important to him, like sleep, when it's "alright for you, as you can just swan about and lie in". I should just laugh this off, as I get up at the same time as him, leave the house at the same time despite doing the bulk of getting kids ready, and although I work shorter office hours, I am usually still putting the kids to bed or doing chores when he gets home. I do have one day off a week and that is really nice to spend time with DS, but I don't really meet friends or go out for much of the day as there is always all the house stuff to keep up with so that we can keep the weekends clear for family stuff.

But somehow I still take all this to heart and get horribly upset. I can't reason with him, even later, as he will just focus on where I have been in the wrong or overreacted and I think is very unlikely to acknowledge that he is being at all unfair. At the moment we are not speaking and I just can't see how this can change without me having to back down yet again.

I just do not know what to do.

You SHOULD take it to heart! It's horrible.

You're not his whipping boy. Nor should you accept that that's your role in his life.

I would have said talk when you are both calm, write a letter expressing your feelings if you can't speak, find a time when he is not stressed to discuss it

But then I read "I can't reason with him, even later, as he will just focus on where I have been in the wrong or overreacted and I think is very unlikely to acknowledge that he is being at all unfair" and I realised this is not someone who is going to care if you go to him later to talk about it

If he is never going to change - as far as you can see - then you have 2 choices.

Accept it, and continue living like this, feeling like this, having it slowly suck the very life out of you and having your children grow up seeing this and perhaps modelling their own relationships on it and having a son who treats his wife this way or a daughter who accepts being treated this way

or Don't accept it and leave, and accept that this relationship failed through no fault of yours and that you are a single parent, perhaps moving, maybe finances change, the children cope with parents living apart

Choices can be a bitch. sometimes you have to choose between shitty option number 1 and shitty option number 2

But you ALWAYS have options. Only you can decide what direction you want your life to take. It's hard, I know, but you can't control him - you can only control you

I'm so sorry to hear this. It sounds as if you are both having a tough time and the moment and sort of taking it out on each other. I hope that others can post something more constructive than you needing to sit down and talk about what is going on (maybe there's something DH hasn't told you eg risk of redundancy that means he's behaving like this?), but a from me.

i feel for you too. you sound like you are putting up with a lot, you´re looking after your kids, your home and you´re pregnant and teh one person who should be looking after you at this time is giving you no respect whatsoever! Don´t feel that you´re being too emotional. It sounds to me that you ahve every right to feel this way. When you say he ´goes off on one´ at you can you explain more about this? would you say you are frightened of this man when he is like this? I don´t want to sound liek I am putting ideas in your head as you are going through enough at the moment but it sounds like he may be controlling as you are making exuses for him like ´he is stressed out´, this is not a reason to have a go at you and make you feel so low that you feel you have no one to talk to. sending lots of love and support your way xxx

p.s. worrying about what other people think about your relationship is not important. they would soon come round if they knew how he is treating you. even if they didnt, what is important is yours and your childresn happiness and well being.

i second stewiegriffinsmom
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I third SGM.

Fourth for SGM here

So sorry you are being treated like this

This is not right and it is certainly not fair. He is training you to back down and I an imagine you don't have too much energy of enthusiasm to argue what with work a home to run and little ones to care for and being pregnant. Just how do you cope? Add to that the pressure of not wanting others to realise that things are not working out, you have got a lot to cope with.

I wouldn't be surprised though if people close to you can't see through things. The trouble is when we start a new relationship we do a lot of convincing that this is 'special' only to realise that it is so easy to drift into something far from that.

You do realise that by chosing 'the quiet life' it is a slippery slope to control. Stand up for yourself, look him straight in the eye and when he raises his voice or belittles you with accusations of swaning around and tell him if he speaks to you like that again, no matter what you will re-evaluate the whole situation - make him realise that you are a person with a set of values that he cannot just stamp over.

You are embarking on a lifetime with this man, you are carrying his child. He may well be pressured but he has no right to bully. If it continues take control and take action. Good luck.

He's blaming YOU for why HIS life feels uncomfortable.

Easier for him, sure, but who told you it was your job to take the blame?
Bollocks is it!

I rarely recommend shouting, but I do in this case. Listen to what he says, then FEED IT ALL BACK TO HIM in big and scary fashion, with your Mumsnet hat on

He's being a total sillyfucker. If your MEGA FEEDBACK doesn't prompt a massive rethink, on his part, all by himself - then you may be looking at bad news. If his response is the blame you for his sillyfuckedness, then you're looking at a no-hoper I'm afraid.

And, yes, ring Women's Aid because there is no row they haven't heard before. Doesn't half clear your head when you speak with a woman who knows what he'll say next!

All the best. You are worth it, you know.

Thank you all so much for your support. I decided that I couldn't let it carry on longer, but also couldn't face a big row so took MN advice and sent DH a long e-mail telling him why I thought he was being unfair etc.

It took hours to write so that it was as logical and calm as possible, while not toning down how I felt or making his excuses for him in advance, but I am so pleased to say that it has really seemed to do the trick. I felt embarrassed doing so, but took strength from you guys saying I deserved it, and outright asked him to be kind to me and show me some consideration.

Anyway, he acknowledged that I'd made some really valid points, respected that I still didn't feel able to talk properly then (besides which we both had to work from home until late) and I am tentatively hoping that this may have been a bit of a breakthrough. We'll see...

(ps. when I say "go off on one", it is only ever verbal and not even proper shouting, it's just what he says that is so hurtful and that he seems to have utter contempt for me at the time. So, not good, but I don't feel scared of him, just of how he makes me feel iyswim)

Thank you all again.

Well done, Rebecca :) Please do keep posting if you need to re-check your perspective as things move along.

Start off as you mean to go on. Well done you are putting your foot down, gently of course, but DOWN.