My mother hurt me - now what?

[cridecoeur]

Namechanged.
I'm in my 30s with a 2yo that my mum adores. We normally have an OK relationship, though she is a very full-on personality and I am much shyer. When we see her she will whisk her GC away from me and generally say 'hello' to me as an afterthought. I have a happy marriage, a lovely child and a good career, yet I think I am still a disappointment to my mum.
Recently we went to visit (DH was away) and, as ever, my mum whisked her grandchild into her arms and went off to talk to the neighbours without a glance at me. We ended up being a bit late for something and, although it wasn't my fault at all that we'd dithered (I had been sitting in the car waiting for them to come back), I apologised for the fact we now had to rush.
My mum (still holding her grandchild) grabbed me by the arm so hard it brought tears to my eyes and demanded that I tell her why it was MY fault, what made me think everything was about ME anyway and they'd been perfectly fine until I interfered. When I asked her to stop she gave me a shove and said 'You're annoying me!' I got my child into the car and had to go through the whole Mother's day rigmarole while angry, confused and wondering what on earth effect it will have on my child.

She did apologise later and said 'I'm very on edge and you didn't help'. She has lost it before and slapped me when I was "being annoying", but nothing has happened like that since my teens.

I know I am difficult to be around: I have had depression on and off for years and my mum has often said how difficult it is for her to deal with me. She does adore her grandchild and I'm sure she would never hurt anyone else but me. I've never hit or hurt anyone in my life though, and I can't get past the fact she set out to hurt me deliberately for such a trivial reason instead of just walking away.

I'm really not sure how to address it: whether to ignore and it's just one of those things that happen, whether to stop being so ridiculous about a one-off incident, or whether I need to make it clear to her that she should never hurt me in front of my child. (She's not senile BTW!)

I know I am difficult to be around: I have had depression on and off for years and my mum has often said how difficult it is for her to deal with me.

Oh poor you.

I would guess that your depression is because you were raised by a self-absorbed, neglectful and contemptuous person.

Don't ignore. Start calling her out on her behaviour. Be warned though: she won't like it one bit and will step up her usual tactics of blame, denial, rage, and possibly martyrdom in an attempt to have you back down and resume service as usual as her emotional punching bag.

I suggest you take a look at the resources linked on page 1 of the Stately Homes thread.

Good luck.

Her behaviour is not your fault. If you posted that your partner had done that you'd have pages of posters buying for his blood and urging you to call Women's Aid. It's just as unacceptable from any other person and it's not your fault

If this person was anyone other than someone with the title, "mother", what would you think of her?

I don't suppose you are remotely difficult to be around! And I am not remotely surprised you have had depression.

She sounds like a deeply unpleasant person. and hot someone I would want to have around not for me and not for my dc's!

I completely agree with lifeisgood. Check out the resources at the top of Stately Homes. You deserve WAAAAAY better than this!

I find it interesting that throughout your post you refer to your DC as HER grandchild.

Have you always felt sidelined by her, as that's what this choice of phrase suggests?

Good grief, I am steaming on your behalf. How dare she lay hands on you like that and even more how dare she blame your depression.

She has the problem. Not you.

This is what selfish, self obsessed people do, they behave appallingly and then they hunt around for any tiny little thing they can disparage you with so it's your fault and glow with orgasmic, spitefull joy when you shrivel under the onslaught.

I have had two of these people in my life it took Cognitive Behaviour Therapy after Post Natal Depression and then General Anxiety Disorder to deal effectively with the one who's still alive and the memory of the one who isn't.

Stately Homes is a good place to start, if you are suffering from Depression have they got you some talking treatment so you can get some strategies together to deal with her?

Keep repeating it's not you it's her and if you can't tell her, write to her saying that until she apologises for physically hurting you and promises never to do it to you or anyone else (what about when your child grows up a bit and starts having opinions and isn't so easy to control?) again she won't be seeing you or your child. Suggest she might need help with this.

Have you support from a DP or friend?

You have been given some very good counsel and I hope you take heed.

It is NOT your fault your mother is the way she is; you did not make her this way. Her birth family did that. Your depression I feel is caused primarily by how your mother has mistreated you over the years and she continues to mistreat and abuse you. I would also argue that far from loving her grandchild she actually has no idea of what love is and sees your DD as purely an extension of herself to show off to others. She is enjoying your discomfort.

Would also suggest you look at the website entitled Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers as this may well help you too.

Your mother has no right to treat you this way and as everyone else has said. This is her issue not yours.
You now act the way you do around her because of how she makes you feel. Try and stand up for yourself, I know this is hard as it is a long standing problem.
I agree with bringing her behaviour towards you to light and asking that until she is calmer and less violent around you and your DC (who you need to protect against her influences) she is not going to see either of you.
It may seem harsh but it is your right and yours and your DC's wellbeing in question.
I do hope that you can talk to your DH about this as support for you will be paramount.
Good luck and stick your ground, you will feel liberated once the shock has worn off.

Lots of good advice on here
It's not your fault, you are doing amazingly well as a new mum

I think you need to lay down the law and give her a damn good shock. You need to set some hardcore boundaries - tell her she was completely out of line for manhandling you like that, & she needs to stop else it's impossible for you to hang out with her. Be firm, don't feel the need to over explain, let her come to you after that, and she might start adapting her behaviour. If she doesn't/won't then tough for her - she's the one missing out on you and your LO.

What a selfish cruel woman she is. Personally I would not be heading back for any more of her treatment. If she can't treat you with respect and warmth why are you taking your precious DD to see her?

It will be very hard for you to stand up to her but remember you hold the trump card. Your mother has no power over you now.

I really agree with Leverette's last words.

I have experienced (and seen on other threads) that response; the grandmother gives attention to the grandchildren and completely ignores her own daughter, as if she did not exist.

Firstly, can I say, she will grown out of it once they are past being very young children.

Secondly, (I think), its a symptom of their way of relating. They see their grandchildren as coveted possessions almost. They are fundamentally selfish and cannot see that their own adult daughters might require love or support. I don't think they can give it, or else they give it and take it back, or give it in odd ways, e.g. my mother occasionally will buy me "face creams" but will be very unhelpful if, on the very rare occasion, I need a babysitter.

My advice: distance yourself. Its better to provide the love and security around yourself that you need, and limit interaction. Is there anything positive you get from her? I am getting quite ruthless in my old-age about people!

OK you actually have all the power here believe it or not. She does not get to see your DD unless you allow it.

Simply put it is unacceptable for your mother to lay her hands on you and hurt you for any reason or excuse she comes up with.

If she or anyone else had done this to your child would you hesitate to keep them away in the future?

Get your H on side and tell her this plainly and bluntly.

Yes there will be fall out and yes it is not going to be fun. If you don't nip this in the bud now it will happen again and again when ever your mother is a little 'stressed' by something.