What do you do in a new relationship with DC's who want the old life back.

[Wisedupwoman]

I'll try and be brief. I'm 6 months into a relationship with NM who I met last year via a dating site after both our marriages ended. I was already divorced (previous threads detailing the process are on MN), he was separated, and we hadn't met each other before we made the decision to end our marriages. Both of us were faithful in our long marriages and it was our then DP's who chose to have affairs. We have 7 DC's between the two of us, mostly grown up except the two youngest who are not far off adulthood. We live apart in the marital homes both of which are due to be sold and we are trying to plan a life together as rather unexpectedly, given how quickly we went from just wanting 'fun times', we have found in each other a DP whom we want to make a go of things together - hope that makes sense.

Here lies the rub. My DC's have all accepted the huge changes and difficult times we've had in the last year (and it's not over yet financially) and they have all met and like NM and he them. I have met his youngest and it went well, all things considered. However, he is not yet divorced and wants to sell the marital home and make a clean financial break before going for the divorce so that there is nothing to argue over. His X is in agreement even though she is upset that he has moved on and says she still loves him.

His adult DC's, however, are not doing well in terms of our relationship and what they see as their DF 'doing his own thing' and he gets a really hard time by all accounts, when he spends time with me. They refuse to countenance our being together, and I suspect it's because apart from it being too soon for them to accept their parents aren't together any more, he is still married to their DM. Whilst that doesn't exactly make me a OW it does position me between NM and any hope they carry that their parents might resolve their differences if only I wasn't 'in the way' as it were. He is adamant there is no way this would happen - with or without me in his life.

So - I tread the difficult path between wanting this relationship to work and acknowledging that it could be some time, if ever, before mine and NM's family can find a way of joining. Meanwhile the harder time they give him the more attractive a proposition I become and I certainly don't want to be the one he 'runs' to.

I don't know what I'd like to hear really - anything would be helpful from those on the outside looking in. Thanks.

Hi Wisey

Sorry to see that you're facing a bit of a crossroads with all of this. Its difficult to know how to move forward as you don't want to get caught up in NM's family issues when you are still negotiating your way out of your own. I can't stop at the moment, but I do feel that you have to be quite selfish in this (to an extent) and keep yourself safe. Revisit your boundaries and work out what it is you want - don't be put off course by what other people want. And take time to make any decisions.

Will think some more and post something more considered later. Take care x

I would just suggest you take things very slowly. Get him to get his divorce etc. finalised. Don't push to meet his family, to get married, to move in together, but just be there. Keep other interests and friends, and be good friends for each other most of all. If you want him, just be there like a rock.

In the long term it is the test of time that will prove this relationship. There is no need to sacrifice the other aspects of your life for it.

Hello Wisey...
Just to say...I understand fully what you are saying and know full well how difficult it can be conbining families even when nearing adulthood. I think maybe it's a bit early to consider selling and moving in together?? Perhaps wait until he is divorced? Can he sell his home...sort out things financially and rent for a while? it does take time for the 'children' or our marriages to get used to Mum and Dad not 'getting back together'. Its is hard for them. Saying that...their Mum had an affair which I have always felt ...can hardly ever be repaired it happened in my marriage + I had abuse. He is adament he wants to be with you and you will be a couple which is great...just more time is needed I feel. I have met someone too....6 months ago.....I have adult children...and teens ..youngest is 13.5....(lives with Dad) 15.5 lives with me as does my 27y old daughter (relationship broke up)...she will be moving on in a year though. My BF visits weekends....he lives 40 miles away...he is in process of selling marital home...I wont visit there but will do when he moves into rented. He has 16y old son and an 18y old son at Uni ...also a 20y old son who lives away. It is the best situation for now.....we do want to be together...that we know...but we need more time and it will happen when the time is right.
Hope this helps...
Best wishes x

Tricky situation, but before commenting can you answer a few questions OP?

How long had they been living apart before you met and does his wife live somewhere else with their youngest?
Are you able to completely corroborate what he told you about the reasons for their split i.e. his wife's affair?
Were both of them giving the impression to their kids that the marriage could be saved before he met you?
How long had he been on dating sites before he connected with you?
It doesn't sound in his wife's best interests that the family home is sold ahead of a divorce and his reasons for doing this before divorcing don't sound entirely plausible. Do his children think he is manipulating their mother financially?

It seems to me you could be in for a very long haul before you win hearts & minds, Wisey.

NM's got 4 dc? How old are they, how many live wtih him, how many live with their dm, and how long has he been separated?

When you say that you are 'trying to plan a life together', do you mean that you're planning to live with NM when your respective marital homes are sold?

I can't quite see NM's reasoning re delaying his divorce proceedings. From what you've said, I seem to recall that he and his w have been separated for longer than the 2 years required to file for divorce with consent.

If his w is, as you say, 'in agreement', there's no reason why they can't divorce online and amicably resolve division of the marital assets without need for solicitors instead of selling up before doing the deed.

Knowing that their dps are divorced may help his dc reconcile themselves to the knowledge that there will be no return to their old life, but that in itself won't necessarily reconcile them to your presence in their df's life.

As the late Mr Harrison's song has it, 'it's gonna take time, a whole lot of precious time, to do it right' but there's no need to rush, is there?

Hello Hattytown and thank you McNaughty and middleage, your comments are helpful and confirm some of what I'm thinking in terms of pursuing my own plans for housing and so on.

To clarify though:
NM had been apart only 3 months! His DW left and the two DC's who still live at home wanted to stay with him - all the DC's have alot of anger for their DM. He tells me the marriage, like my own, had been steadily deteriorating for long before he disovered the OM.

I don't have definitive evidence of the OM, no. I don't know how I'd do that other than to ask his DC's (not an option for obvious reasons) but on meeting other family members I have no reason to doubt him.

No, I don't think they were giving the impression that the marriage could be saved - NM was on the dating site before me (within weeks I think) and was openly dating. I didn't connect with him until October last year. But one can never be sure........I should ask him I guess.

I agree with you about the reasons for doing the house sale first. Having said that he wants an equal split of the equity and she is in agreement (he says). He offers to show me all her emails about this but I don't want to get involved tbh. So I don't know, I know that since the split he is keeping the home and everything else paid for alone and his DW is supporting herself in work.

Does that help?

Hmmm...I think he might be guilty of some miscommunication here with his children, for them to have had this reaction.

I'm assuming he didn't tell his kids that he was actively trying to meet someone new via dating sites? So when he met someone and became serious about her so quickly, it was a shock?

I'm also assuming his wife's affair didn't last the distance and she's no longer with the OM?

I think one of the most difficult things about meeting someone on a dating site is that without mutual friends/colleagues/connections it is virtually impossible to corroborate their life stories. Everything has to be taken on trust in a relationship that is too young for that trust to have been earnt. So right now, everything he has told you is only coming from one source - him. In your position, I would be inclined to take things much more slowly until everything started to 'add up'. If he earns trust in other areas of your life together, there will be more reasons to trust his version of the past. Of course the same goes for him with you, but I get the impression that he's met other people in your life who have validated the authenticity of your story?

Have you met his friends for example and what do they say about his previous life?

I think it's a tricky balance with older children between asserting your rights to have lives of your own, with their need for stability and a sense of security. It's often a myth that older children are better equipped for a break-up or change to the status quo. Sometimes it hits them harder because it comes at a time when their own lives are chaotic and uncertain - it can also be hard acknowledging parental sexuality when they are still struggling with their own.

I also think there's a lot to be said for being on one's own for a while after exiting an unhappy relationship. 12 weeks was very quick on his part and his kids might be understandably concerned that he was not ready emotionally following the hurt of his wife's affair, however much the marriage had been dead beforehand.

I think his reasons for not divorcing and for selling the home ahead of it need probing more. For some reason my hackles went up when you said he offered to show you the E mails. I often think that's a rather manipulative trick that is only offered in the certain knowledge that you would refuse such prurience. And you did. As expected.

There's no reason to wait until someone is divorced. DH and I were together 18 months (living together for six) before his was finalised. But starting proceedings would be a condition of a relationship for me.

It all seems to have happened quite fast for his kids. I got together with DH about 10 months after he left his wife and met his kids a couple of months later. We took it all very slowly. Ok so older kids won't buy the 'Daddy's new friend' that my little stepsons did but I see no reason for them to be aware of their fathers dating and new partner quite so soon. I think stepping back and letting them process their parents splitting up first is important.

Finally, look after yourself. I knew DH was the one and never had a seconds doubt but I wanted him to have a long period of living alone (apart from his kids obviously) to make sure he was ready for another relationship. I wasn't willing to be his rebound.

Well, you're being very searching in your questions and observations and that's helpful even as they make for uncomfortable reading. Thank you.

He did tell his kids right from the start (so he says) and has always been clear that he did not want their DM back. He doesn't know if the OM is still around.

Yes he has met all my friends who have all authenticated my story, whilst I have met his brother and a couple of his friends. In conversations with my friends (who probe him very well) about his marriage and DC's he is consistent and straightforward (not rehearsed it seems to me) in his responses. Talking to his family and friends TBH the subject of his past life in the context of the marriage didn't come up but everything else seemed to confirm what he has said. But like you say, I still only have his word for everything and yes, I have to fall back on other areas for him to show me he is worthy of my trust - so far so good on that score but I'm not so green that I think he's Mr Perfect. Time will tell all and I'm not scared to broach tricky subjects, part of my appeal for him apparently.

Actually my own hackles have always been slightly raised. I know it's all happened very quickly, I've always thought he (and I) joined a site too soon and I know mine and his DC's were probably concerned about the speed of it all. But FWIW I've had a great deal of support in the last year, I have a large group of well-sorted RL friends who look out for me and I am pretty sorted with or without a man in my life - it's not the be all for me. NM also knows this too, I've been honest about all that.

He'd only been separated for 12 weeks before he met you He certainly didn't waste any time signing up to a dating site after his w left.

To me, this smacks of wounded pride syndrome where the cuckold immediately engages in tit for tat seeking solace by getting their leg over in the arms of ow.

You've been wounded too, Wisey, and this is all the more reason to proceed with caution. After all, you've seen what letting your heart rule your head can do and you certainly don't want to go back there again, do you?

Keep enjoying NM for what he is; soothing balm after the antics of ptm and fun while it lasts. Only time will tell if there's more to it but, as I've said above, there's absolutely no need for you to rush to formalise your relationship by shacking up with him at this very early stage.

Besides, to accomodate your respective dc you're going to jointly need a property that has at least 5 or 6 bedrooms and I would suggest you look for something with a granny annexe as you'll need a retreat from what is likely to be a war zone if you force your dc to 'blend' before they're ready.

It might be best to buy your own separate homes, or rent separate properties for a while and take it slowly. Or is that the plan?

I would advise against buying/renting a property together especially if you've got children still living with you both. I think you need much more time and trust to join the two families before all the participants are ready to do that.

I'd suggest to him that he sits down with all his children and hears them out about their fears and worries. Perhaps if they realise that there will still be a home that will be Dad's alone, they will stop seeing you as a threat. If you put yourself in their shoes, everything they trusted in life has unravelled. They've lost respect for their mum who put her own needs before them and now they might feel their dad is doing the same. Some if it is a human dislike of change, but most of it is probably fear and a kickback from their safe world crumbling so spectacularly.

It's not fair or just, but if one parent has been a selfish arse, it's better if the one left to pick up the pieces puts the kids first for a while, because truthfully their needs are greater at that point. It doesn't sound like your partner realised that or did that and now he's experiencing the fall-out.

izzy - the old 'anything you can do I can do better' is what I thought of about the dating site thing tbh. That may sound unkind but it's what some people do and I entertained (v.v.briefly) the idea of a revenge shag myself.

Hatty - thank you. Actually I did suggest he talk to all the DC's together instead of keep having individual conversations with them, whether he will or not is up to him I guess. And the homes thing? We've talked alot about living together and I want to rent somewhere not least because if we DO make that decision and it doesn't work out then there's less hassle for us both to get out of.

Thing is, I'm not overly stressed about the DC's - but I hear alot from him about them and he most definitely is stressed about it. I joined the site and met their DF and as far as I'm concerned I'm not yet ready to hang up my dancing shoes. I'd like to meet them, yes, as it would put a context around him which would help me get to know him better. But it may not happen like that.

I AM cautious and I learned alot by getting my fingers burnt in my unfortunate marriage.

You mean rent somewhere together?

I think that's probably a mistake.

I don't think you should tangle your homes right now.

If he is still married and hasn't even agreed on financial terms or details you don't want any of your financial details or assets drawn into their divorce and agreement.

Carry on seeing each other as boyfriend/girlfriend until they have reached agreement and then revisit the idea.

In common with everyone else on your previous thread who've been rooting for you throughout your trials by ordeal with ptm, I've got no wish to rain on your parade with NM but I must confess to feeling quietly despairing that you're planning to set up home with him so quicky into your relationship and while he's yet to get divorced.

Rebound is a not uncommon phenomena and I would suggest that you wait at least another 2 years to see if your respective balls (no pun intended) stop bouncing and, more importantly, to give your respective dc opportunity to process some of the hurt and upset they've experienced before you subject them to full time, full-on, 'blending'.

Hi Wisey
Think you have had some good advice and really do feel taking it a little slower and not to move in together. It will be too much too soon. As for meeting someone on a dating site so soon....well it happened to me! I always said I would NEVER do such a thing.....but I did ....to regain confidence with men ..boost my ego etc
Had a couple of dates.....lots of chat ...then I met my NM.....we clicked!! I'm not yet divorced...going through the process. he has been legally seperated for three years..now divorcing his wx has NM...she was the one to leave after an affair...his boys stayed with him.
I can see us together always....BUT we have both been quite clear from the start that our boys HAVE to come first and they do as the ones living at home need us.
It just needs patience, understanding, compromising etc
Like you....have a good network of friends...can manage with or without NM...work full time BUT he has made a difference to my life....iykwim....
Take it steady....I've just met his youngest lad...which went well...NM has met mine and all fine....be open and honest with kids.....and remind them how important they are to you both that they are happy.
Ex wife.....well she has her own life...let her get on with it.....your NM has made it clear he dosent want to make marriage work ...fair enough...I dont think you need to delve deeper into that...whats the point?? Marriages do break.....sometimes for the better of all those concernned xx

Wisey, my ol' honey-pie, would it be terribly harsh to say why are you even asking how he should handle his children? You're still in "make it all better" mode, aren't you? Stop it now. If this guy can't sort out his own family issues then he isn't grown-up enough to be a potential life partner.

Ah .

So essentially - slow some things RIGHT down and STOP doing others, yes?

OK not a problem for me - if he's worth his salt I'll have the 'think we've been moving far too fast' conversation with him and we'll just carry on having a nice time. Or maybe we won't carry on but either way we did click straight away and that's been lovely.

My plans to rent a place for me and DD haven't changed - I've always had in mind that NM and me might not last (there being no guarantees) so for me all our talk has an 'if' in the background, and it's he who says 'not if'.

I don't want to rescue anyone from anything but I like the mutual caring that goes with being with someone - that's where I'm coming from, not a wish to sort out NM's stuff yet it's a fine line. I made it abundantly clear right from the start that I don't therap my loved ones and I don't sleep with my clients and I always refuse all invitations to 'give a professional view' - when I'm not at work I don't work!!

Slow things down.
If you sell your marital home, don't buy a new home with NM but buy an investment and if you really want to live with him then rent something together.

Wisey....yes the 'mutual' caring...it is a lovely feeling...thats what I enjoy.....Im pretty sure things will be OK with you and NM.....and you realise to slow down and let him deal with his family...and you just enjoy each other when you're together...It's what Im doing and it is bliss....everything else will come in time ...if it is 'meant' to be.....xxx Good luck x

Agree with everyone else that moving in together would not be good plan. So much has changed and is still changing, maybe a time of consolidation would be good.

Relationship can still progress, move to next stage etc without living together?

Well I'd kind of imagined how it will be:

Me and DD in new rented place with none of the memories associated with our current home (I don't want the responsibility of a mortgaged place for a while), she goes off to board at private school in Sept (funded by you-know-who) and I am free to make dinner when it suits me, go off to see a concert straight from work without asking or telling anyone, have people over etc, etc, essentially living the life I believe I am entitled to after 31 years of working motherhood!

Not so much to ask I don't think.

This is so helpful, the thread began as a dilemma about NM's DC's and it's morphed into something else which is far more focussed. I'm now thinking wtf, why should I worry about not meeting all the DC's at this stage and whether NM gets a hard time - it was his choice to begin dating again so soon and he has to take the consequences of that.

And yes, if he's been a bit vague in his communications with them it's not my problem. One of the bits of feedback DD's counsellor gave to me and DD in her last session was how struck she was at the directness of our interactions with each other, our honesty even though it was painful to hear sometimes. That's why she said "we're done here, you're a great DM and DD".

Good for you Wisey!!!
Yes take it more slowly, step by step...and if you and NM are meant to be together ...this will progress!
Enjoy this time and moment.....dont know your age but I'm 51y (a young one I might add)!....Have just bought after renting for a while....kids settled...seeing friends when I want....inviting them for lunches here and wine eves etc etc...I work full time.....life is really good (ups and downs of course)!
My NM and I have a lovely time together ......but all the other domestic stuff Im not involved with.....dont need to know all about his ex...or past life with his ex etc.....just concentrate on the 'here and now'....
Enjoy!! x

You and DD renting a place on your own sounds grand and of course you're long overdue treating yourself to a life where you are answerable to no-one and can do what you want, when you want.

But in a sense, that's the crux of it.

Being involved with someone else has the lovely benefits you mention about mutual caring, but it also carries a degree of responsibility doesn't it? If you're living with another person and you fancy the pictures after work, you have to let them know don't you? You have to go through the mental gymnastics of 'what will I say if he suggests joining me?'

After 31 years of being answerable to other people (and no doubt at least 20 before it, being answerable to parents) I think you're entitled to a period when you are answerable only to yourself.

Of course the pesky thing about this is that you and NM have developed feelings for one another and some of this is therefore too late, but I'd still advice a cautious approach and living separately for a lot longer. I think this will primarily give you the experience you deserve after so long and will also reap dividends with your respective children just now.