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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

he's at it again

16 replies

irismaria · 02/02/2006 18:07

i recently posted a message on here about the fact that my partner had been using sex lines whilst i was pregnant, this turned my stomach and i found it very difficult to deal with. However he assured me it was a one of. Have just found out he is still doing it and am furious because he made me feel so bad about doubting him. I really feel that our relationship is over, partly becauses i dont trust him and partly because sex lines in my mind are for sad dirty old men. please tell me am i over reacting and being totally unreasonable!?

OP posts:

FioFio · 02/02/2006 18:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

wannaBe1974 · 02/02/2006 18:30

I read an artacle once about the women who run these sex lines and they were sitting doing their knitting and such talking dirty to these men - and most of them were .. as posted by previous poster, fat ugly women.

I understand how you feel though - you should have a long chat with your DP and ask him why it is he feels the need to call these lines, what is missing in your relationship that he has to call them etc.

Original poster

irismaria · 02/02/2006 18:30

that's a pretty awful image!

OP posts:

oops · 02/02/2006 18:43

Message withdrawn

ggglimpopo · 02/02/2006 18:52

Message withdrawn

VeniVidiVickiQV · 02/02/2006 18:55

I agree. Its worth testing what he thinks is acceptable for you to do. Im not sure its worth binning a whole relationship over just yet - there must be more to this......

Shiraz · 02/02/2006 22:51

In all honesty...what the others have said is 100% true.

There was a job advertisement local to myself for 'call line persons'. Dp joked that it may be a good money earner for me as a joke! So they usually are just ordinary housewives / women making abit of money whilst on their stepper or doing the ironing!

Maybe doesn't make you feel any better..but the likelyhood is that it's Mrs Bloggs from number 10 rather than pussycat doris in all her glory! .

I must admit that years ago i was rather annoyed with dp when i found he had been looing at sites on the internet. Now it really wouldn't bother me. (and i even gave some colleagues free web adresses for thier hubbies so they weren't runnign up credit card bills) may sound shocking but really it isn't!

Our sex life is fine...and i trust him completely. Sexual urge is part of human nature, at least it's over the telephone and not 'for real' imho. It will all just be a fantasy in his mind....and that's probably where it will stay!

However if it really is upsetting you then all i can suggest is to write him a letter telling him so, that you deem it unfaithful in a roundabout kind of way and really would prefer he didnt do it! If you really cannot live with it, then so be it!

Hope you are okay hun!
xxxx

starshaker · 02/02/2006 22:56

i know exactly how you feel my dp did this the night dd was born and the night she was taken into hosp when she stopped breathing. he also ran up a dept of £114 on sky porn. i still think about it all the time and have trouble trusting him but he says he wont do it again and he knows if he told me then fine but lying about it again and thats it

vitomum · 02/02/2006 22:58

i do not think you are either over reacting or being unreasonable. there is clearly a trust issue here that is unresolved for you. I respect Shiraz for being comfortable with her partner doing this but i personally would not be. it is up to you to decide whether you can be. there is also the fact that he has been lying to you to deal with. its v tough.

gravityrebalancingatlast · 03/02/2006 02:12

irismaria - are you ok? this is bad. its not fair. if men only understood what they cause when they do something like this.

the girls that can accept this your lucky, but i have to wonder is it you can accept it because it has never been done behind your back. i think it is when done behind our backs that turns it into soemthing dirty and horrible. trust is so important - i believe trust is higher than love. without trust love can not stand. i know this now.

it may not be with a real person (you get what i mean i hope) what your dh has done but it makes it no less hurtful. why does he need this outlet at such sacred time for you. my dh too did something horrible while i was 8 months preg. it is horrible to have this special time tainted.

try to talk to him about how it has made you feel. dont let this eat you up while your preggie. but in saying that, you need to sit down and think about you and your baby, you cannot continue living in a way where you will be consumed by the lack of trust. i dont want to sound horrible, i'm just trying to relate how it has happened to me personally, the more you catch them out the more they try to hide it. alot of the time they dont stop it, they just become better at disguising it. add all this together and your headed for a bout of post natal depression if your not careful.

i hope your dh wakes up before too much damage is caused - he needs to make this better not you, bloody men and trust. my heart is with you babe.

xxxxxxx

Shiraz · 03/02/2006 11:30

My partner really doesn't do this anymore and i have been discussing it with him this morning!

As far as the phoneline thing is concerened...how ahve you found out he is at it again? Has he todl you? Or is it just that you have found 09... numbers on your phone bil. It isn't necessarily 'chat lines' if it's an O9 number!

I do really feel for yu if you canot trust your man....but i think you should sit down and talk about it together! Do not let this eat you up hun! But he really should know how you feel! Honesty is also a big part of a relationship so, you should be honest with him what your views are! And why he needs to do this as others have said!

TC xxx

Original poster

irismaria · 04/02/2006 10:21

thanks for your comments,it has been interesting to read them and i am amazed at how everyone has such different opinions! i am envious of those that clearly have a more open mind than me and feel it is something that can be sorted.... i wish i could be so positive! in my heart i know it is just housewives making a bit of extra money doing this kind of thing and that essentially the last laugh is on him but it does not really make me feel any better. i think ultimately trust and respect are massive in a relationship and i seem to have lost both.... i was dealing with it the first time when he said it had stopped but the second time i found out especially as he gave me such a hard time for not trusting him seems to have just lodged in my mind and i cant shift the image! i found out by the numbers on his mobile bill (yes i am sad and checked it) and yes they are deffinately sex lines because i rang them.
i guess i feel guilty because i would really love my ds to grow up in a 'happy family' , i am very fond of my pil and would never tell them about why the relationship went pear shaped so know they will always resent me because of it and also am scared as i only work part time have a limited income and have no idea how i would cope both finacially and with caring for ds without help. i would never be off about the other half coming round and having access to ds as he adores him but i feel dreadfully guilty that i am taking the opportunity for them to grow up together...... sorry bit of an essay.

OP posts:

Original poster

irismaria · 04/02/2006 10:27

ps.... i am not sad enough to check his phone bill all the time, the first time i found out was an accident i just hit redial on the phone expecting it to be my dad and was confronted with 'busty belinda....' it has only since then that i have got paranoid.

OP posts:

Shiraz · 04/02/2006 16:03

Awww hun i really think you need to bring this out into the open wth him!

You are not SAD for checking his phone bill! God knows i'm sure we all do it if we find strange numbers on our bills..especailly those costly numbers!

It's eating you up chick and that really isn't fair! And i understand that it doesn't make you feel any better knowing the last laugh is on he.

Be brave.....tell him it like it is! If he doesn;t respect your honesty and view on the situation then is he realy worth all this worry?

I know, i know easier said than practiced. But i truely feel for you babe. Pregnancy can be emotional and hard enough without situations like this praying on your self esteem.

TAKE A HUGE HUG from me..and if i were you..i'd get a pen and paper teling him exaclty what i think. That you love him and want to be woth him, but this is really eating you up. It's obvioulsy making you feel like you are worthless or are not giving him the attention he needs. You are carrying his baby and this needs sorting out..pronto!

MWAH MWAH XXX

Original poster

irismaria · 05/02/2006 16:02

thanks for that shiraz, will bite the bullet and try to talk (probably shout) about it tonight!

OP posts:

Shiraz · 06/02/2006 22:27

Just wondered how you are hun!

xxxx

Flip