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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is he or isnt he?

28 replies

SurelyNotAgain · 20/03/2012 19:35

I might be totally paranoid but have recently been starting to wonder if DH is playing away? Totally based on lack of sex - we have only had it once this year which is unusual as i only have to flash my boobs and he's up for it. No more arguments than normal and no other suspicious behaviour.

So is he having a bit on the side, what do i need to look out for?

OP posts:
SparkyMcSparrow · 20/03/2012 19:43

Have you asked him why its only been once this year?
Has he been ill or stressed out? Any other reason?

curiositykitten · 20/03/2012 19:44

Have you asked him why he seems not interested?
Are you still flashing your boobs at him?

Maybe it's a problem with your boobs - do you want to show me and I'll let you know? Just trying to help!

ImperialBlether · 20/03/2012 19:45

Well, there are two ways he can be having an affair - one is a physical affair with someone he's met at work, for instance, and the other is an online affair, where he's chatting to a woman online whenever he can.

If you're suspecting a physical affair, then does he work late when he didn't used to? Is he non-contactable at all? Does he make excuses to be on his own (to make phone calls)?

My ex had affairs and he was just as happy/miserable when he was having them as when he wasn't, so I wouldn't necessarily look out for that.

Original poster
SurelyNotAgain · 20/03/2012 19:45

Not sure i have the courage to ask him! I know i need to but what if he says that he is?

OP posts:
SparkyMcSparrow · 20/03/2012 19:47

Just ask him!
If my dh had just 'gone off' sex then I would ask him why.

I would know by his answer whether he was telling the truth.
There could be a perfectly good reason for it.

JoanRobinson2012 · 20/03/2012 19:47

Why not take the initiative and see if he then refuses sex?

Original poster
SurelyNotAgain · 20/03/2012 19:53

He works with mainly men in a yard IYKWIM but there are girls in the office, but as far as i know he would only go in the office once a week to get his wages. The only other thing was that at christmas, i went on his works do, it was also an anniversary of being xxx amount of years in business so other halfs were also invited. Anyway, you know when your instincts start going off and one of tbe girls gave me a really dirty lookand this was what started me wondering.

Apologies for typing errors am on ipod -am going to swap to laptop

OP posts:
SparkyMcSparrow · 20/03/2012 19:58

She could just be jealous, doesn't mean he is doing anything.

Has he done anything like that before? Why is a affair the first thing that you thought it was? Do you get on well?

Original poster
SurelyNotAgain · 20/03/2012 20:00

am on laptop now..

kitten Grin (.) (.) that's as close as your getting!!

no illness and he's not really the type to get stressed about anything - far too laid back.

imperial he wouldn't even know how to turn the computer on never mind use it, so I can definately rule out anything online.

He has started to work saturday mornings but I know that he is there because it reflected in his pay packet each week.

Am going to have to ask him aren't I?

OP posts:
SparkyMcSparrow · 20/03/2012 20:03

Yes!...and then tell us what he said!

Maybe he has some rank willy disease that he is embarrassed about?

Original poster
SurelyNotAgain · 20/03/2012 20:04

sparky a number of years ago, he started going out on a friday night, one night he didn't come home until 3am. When I confronted him the following day, he admitted that he walked someone home and went in for a coffee. he swore that he hadn't done anything other than a kiss, and he broke it off saying that he was married etc. I believed him at the time but it does make it harder to trust him completely even now.

OP posts:
Original poster
SurelyNotAgain · 20/03/2012 20:05

rank willy disease - Grin

am going to ask him.

OP posts:
SparkyMcSparrow · 20/03/2012 20:06

Does he go out now?

ImperialBlether · 20/03/2012 20:10

You should have mentioned the dirty-look-girl at the start!

Did you say anything to him about her? Could you say anything now?

Original poster
SurelyNotAgain · 20/03/2012 20:15

have just asked him - he as in the bath so kinda had him cornered. he said that there is nothing going on and that he is just tired, I suggested that he goes to the doctor and then he started shouting about being bothered when he is in the bath. I told him that obviously something is wrong and that he should talk to me so that I don't think that anything else is going on. He told me to get out and leave him alone.

it's not looking good is it?

OP posts:
SparkyMcSparrow · 20/03/2012 20:19

Do you think he has been tired?...or has he been the same as always?

Original poster
SurelyNotAgain · 20/03/2012 20:26

TBF he probably is more tired as we got a new puppy at Christmas and he has been staying up later in order to let her out at night for a wee, so that would add up. He is bad tempered and grumpy as well lately.

I think I need evidence - what should I look out for? I'm going to search his phone, and look for a second phone as well but what else?

OP posts:
SparkyMcSparrow · 20/03/2012 20:30

Any change in routine, staying out late, working odd hours, causing silly arguments for a excuse to go out?
I'm sure some one will be along soon have some better advice.

Dh has just said that if he was having a affair then he would be extra nice, to cover his tracks, or be horrendous because he wants out.

Any spontaneous flowers/choclates etc?

SparkyMcSparrow · 20/03/2012 20:30

At least I know what to look out for now Grin

Original poster
SurelyNotAgain · 20/03/2012 20:36

no spontaneous gifts at all - just my luck, a cheating DH with no sense of guilt!

He's currently stacking the dishwasher - does that count?

It's weird - my instincts are saying that something was happening with this girl - maybe not physical but certainly an attraction / flirting, but now I don't think so but maybe the back end of this attraction IYSWIM. Maybe she has rejected him as she was married as well, and he is taking his fustration out on me - does that make sense?

OP posts:
Jemma1111 · 20/03/2012 20:38

The best thing to do is trust your instincts, what are they telling you ?

SparkyMcSparrow · 20/03/2012 20:40

Yes it makes sense.
Is flirting a issue for you?

Original poster
SurelyNotAgain · 20/03/2012 20:44

flirting - not something that I would encourage obviously but TBH if I don't know about it then I wouldn't worry.

OP posts:
SparkyMcSparrow · 20/03/2012 20:48

Can you remember back last year? Any change then.

Dh he's good has said that more than likely he would have tried to keep things normal/maybe a little bit better to avoid suspicion when/if he was having the affair. He may have changed now because he is pissed off that she/he ended it and thats coming across to you. Does that make sense?

Or he could just be tired! Puppy's are second to kids in the hard work stakes Grin

Original poster
SurelyNotAgain · 20/03/2012 20:54

no change as far as I can remember although he did get me a really nice christmas present which is the first time in 17 yrs of being together! but it is a standing joke at how bad he is at chosing presents in the family, he also had DD this year to guide him!!

OP posts:
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