Moral ish/lack of morals dilemma

[Kennyp]

Quick version,
Mil and fil were friends with a couple. Mil and the wife wer best friends, allegedly
Mil had an affair with best friends husband. My sil went home early from college and caught her mother shagging her best friends hsband in her mthers bed. My husband knows all about it. His mother doesnt know he knows.

Mil maintains best friend status with alleged best friend (how could you continue the friendship?!?!). Best friends husband is an 80 year old letch who has tried it on with me and countless others.

The BF died 18 months ago, so letchy husband now alone. DH cannot bring himself to contact the husband as he, husband, is reminded so evidently if what went in in the past. The wife that died, i have no idea if she knew about alleged BF and her husband. The husband is really supremely letchy though and even had a "whoops did i just almost grope you" situation with me at his wifes funeral! Speechless

Should dh make an effort to ring the husband or see him? He just cant bring himself to do it. They were both his godparents and he was really close to his GM. The husband doesnt know dh or me know about his extra marital dalliance.

I am not involved in this at all . But just asking for a neutral perspective. Thanks

Given the history, other than cards at Christmas and birthdays and perhaps the odd notelet in between, why would your h feel any need to contact his godfather?

I don't see what the connection is between your husband and the man either. If he's a dirty old bloke in person, give him a wide berth. If your husband's mother wants to carry on the friendship I think that's her business.

It looks odd to me that dh hasnt contacted him ever (he hasnt sent him a birthday ir christmas card even) since the wife died. Maybe it is just a me thing that i would feel sorry for the widow, even if he is a bit flirty.

On the subject of the history, it's a not uncommon tale of secrets and lies in which the only people who have to wrestle with their consciences are the players themselves - although, of course, they rarely appear to have much of a conscience to wrestle with.

IMO it comes down to a case of 'let sleeping dogs lie' and if you should find yourself in the company of this particular octopus octogenarian, I would suggest you endeavour to keep him at considerably more than arm's length.

I think he should be talking to his mother, not the Letch, if he talks to anyone at all.

So your DH's mum shagged your DH's godfather some time ago. Godfather's wife (also DH's godmother) has since died. The dilemma is whether to offer sympathy to the mum-shagging godfather, who is now a widower. DH doesn't really want to both because said godfather shagged his mum and also because he (the godfather) has been inappropriate to you as well. Is that right?

I'd say a formal condolences card is probably the way forward. That way your DH has gone through the motions in your mum's eyes, and thus avoid the 'But Mum, he's a dirty old perv and I know he shagged you!' conversation but by keeping it fairly formal he can avoid having to put too much personal feeling into it, iyswim.

It would be far more interesting, not to say admirable, if he challenged him with what he knows and not be so (MN classic phrase coming up) 'passive aggressive'. Could be quite a dramatic moment... 'I've only kept contact with you because of my affection for the late Mrs Lecherous-Git. I know you and my mother had an affair but have kept quiet out of respect for my parents. Now begone from my life!!!'

can't imagine why your H would contact such a vile man for any reason.

when people are horrible and letchy, that is a very very good reason not to spend time with them.

I wouldn't worry about it, your DH's own sister caught him shagging their mum and unless he's supremely stupid, he knows damn well why he's off your DH's Christmas card list.

Lol, thanks all. It is true, the players seem to no conscience to tussle with. They are only tussling with each other.

Will wait, with breath unabaited, to see if mil ever says anything about dh's lack if contact. She is such a dimwit she has no idea i know. Passive aggressive R us.

A condolence card after 18 months after the deceased shook off her mortal coil may be a tad inappropriate Manatee, especially as the lecher widower has most probably been getting his leg over internet dating for the past 17 months.

You're best advised to tell your h to send a 'with deepest sympathy' card to the bride should his godpa remarry, Kenny.

Maybe, as well as blanking Mr Lecherous-Git, DH should tell MIL that 'he knows'... make it her problem rather than his. If Mr L-G is 80-ish and SIL was at college at the time, just how long ago did all this happen?

I expect the reason your husband hasn't said anything to the man is in order to protect his father. If the man realised your husband knew about what went on with your MIL, he might presume your FIL knows too and has chosen not to confront the situation. This might weaken your FIL more in this man's eyes.

I think you both have a clear conscience in having nothing more to do with this man. If MIL asks either of you why you have chosen this course of action, be blunt and say that neither of you like him and that you find his behaviour creepy and disgusting.

Presumably your SIL has no such difficulty showing her disgust for the man, given that both he and your MIL know about her discovery? I feel sorry for her - your MIL has given her a horrible burden to carry, especially if she's had to keep the secret from her Dad. At that point, your MIL should have cut ties with this couple and if not then, immediately after her 'friend' had died.

Shag-gate was 20 years ago although they have always been flirty with each other in a hugely over familiar way which is the case when you have had conjugals with someone. The body language between the two of them is a total giveaway (obviously only because i know the history am i aware of it, but it is far too much)

I agree, it is totally unfair on sil to be the only one who officially knows. Mil has no intention of stopping the friendship. It is friends with benefits for the older generation. The saga continues ....

Blimey are you sure you are not testing a script for Corrie or Eastenders?

This man sounds like he has been deeply disrespectful to most of your DH's family. I don't think your DH is obliged to pretend everything is OK and hunky dory if he doesn't want to. And personally I would be a bit miffed of my DH wanted to keep up appearances with someone who tried it on with me or attempted to grope me.

Lol, upahill. Friends are stupified at the situation of it. It is very eastenders isnt it. Fil is on deaths door and has been for a while.

I said to dh how very charles and camilla if his mother and mr letch end up together after the death of their spouses. Its a terrible situation and not even funny tbh.

I'd carry on as you all are and leave em all to it tbh.

DH needn't contact someone if he doesn't want to.