It is never gonna stop

[wossgoinon]

Brief outline

Month before getting married DH loses job because he was downloading porn on internet.

Got married (i know i know-sap i am)

6 months later he decided it would be fun to send me porn to me from his new works email..(been there 3 months)

I have a go at him, he says sorry and it wont happen again..

We have 4 kids and Im trying to set up my own business. I had to take a cleaning job as well as my other job when he was looking for work last time.

Arse kick me please

Obviously im drip feeding but im still in shock

im a fucking idiot

He's the one who's arse needs kicking

Did he give a reason for sending you the porn? Is it his notion of foreplay?

Does he have any redeeming features?

he asked me 'would i like this' whick was a pretty graphic threesome.

er no actually i wouldnt. its like he has these fantasies and we do ..um muck about in the bedroom (just 2 of us) then he runs away with it.

redeeming features? i will have to get back to you on that one.

There is more to this but i thought HE HAD CHANGED ..nope he hasnt .

Don't beat yourself about marrying him.

You already had 4 children, so that's not the main problem.

I think you need to establish what is your cut off point and stick to it.

Is it if he accesses porn again at work?
If he is sacked again for the same issue?

Does he have a serious addiction or is he simply very, very stupid and entitled ?

Either of those things are not compatible with family life, I am afraid. My advice is to end your marrriage, before you drags you down with him.

he drags you down

you are dragging nobody, this is so not your fault

What made you think he had changed OP? I mean, had he made any efforts in the past to sort his shit out?

???? What AF said - is he stupid or have an addiction??

If he lost his job once over sending porn from work email then he knows it's a sackable offence. Why on earth has he risked doing it again? You would be better off without this man in your life. Can you figure out a way to get him out of your home?

Sorry but the man sounds utterly stupid. No it won't stop. If losing his job last time wasn't enough of a deterrent to do it again, I can't think of much that would be. You haven't got 4 kids, you've got 5....

The good news is you have grounds to divorce citing his unreasonable behaviour.

The bad news is you will have to wait until you have been married a year before you can file your petition.

In the meantime I would suggest that explore what benefits you will be entitled to once you've booted him out of the marial home as this man doesn't learn from his past mistakes, and he's never going to change.

Good luck with your new business and I hope it proves to be your salvation in more ways than one.

Hi there

Thanks for your kind words. You are right about self entitlement. He is a mummy's boy and the youngest in the family while im the oldest in mine (not that makes a blind bit of difference i suppose..just trying to make sense of why someone could be so thick)

I thought he changed because he said he had (throws up in bucket emoticon)

Why do some people seem to have this self destruct button that they have to press and wait for everyone to pick up pieces

Because they are 'Masters of the Me-Niverse', 'Kidults', selfish, unreliable, irresponsible, immature types with no ability to connect.... 'actions' .... with..... 'consequences'. They appeal to capable women (ironically) because they often appear rather helpless and in need of support. They expect others to clean up their mess because, in their world, it was ever thus. They don't 'get' concepts like self-restraint or forward-thinking - that's for grown-ups. Often very bad with money which they expect to materialise out of thin air. Their superpower is 'charm'...

OMG

When i met him he was in 18 grand worth of debt. i have control of the finance. i just feel like a load of earth has just fallen on me ans in tryin to breath

and yes he was v charming

Jesus effin christ

i have to be mum now and go to work i will try and check in tonight. i haven't spoken to him yet only to send a v strongly worded email.

Thank you

i still cant believe it ..but i can if that makes sense

I imagine he's good looking, good in bed and can turn on the charm when it suits him. Remember we always want to believe the best of people we have liked enough to shag, even when the signs are there that the 'real' person is either an idiot, an arsehole or actually dangerous. I doubt your silly little smut-obsessed chap is in the third category, he sound more childish and selfish than really predatory but still, unless you want to spend your life carrying him, probably best to get rid now.

well, he appears to be dangerous insofar as he is deliberately sabotaging the family's financial welfare

I would count that as a hostile act, tbh

Get rid of him as quick as you can. Things will never improve. He truly believes it's ok for him to behave like this, that normal rules don't apply to him. Don't let him charm you into overlooking this.

"Because they are 'Masters of the Me-Niverse', 'Kidults', selfish, unreliable, irresponsible, immature types with no ability to connect.... 'actions' .... with..... 'consequences'. They appeal to capable women (ironically) because they often appear rather helpless and in need of support. They expect others to clean up their mess because, in their world, it was ever thus. They don't 'get' concepts like self-restraint or forward-thinking - that's for grown-ups. Often very bad with money which they expect to materialise out of thin air. Their superpower is 'charm'..."

Cogito I have copied your post and might just stick onto my mirror. He wasn't even that fuckin' charming...

Thank you. (still cleaning up the mess but getting there)

Hey woss, thinking of you x

This bloke will not change. One of my brothers is charming to others but controlling in his relationships. His last ex is only now recovering, three years later. Just be careful, and take care. Not saying get rid, just look after yourself.

Im back

Well when I came home last night he basically ignored me its like im the one who has done something wrong!!

I have to go out again soon as im taking part in an event -you wouldn't believe what i do for a living

Everyone thinks im so strong...that maybe the case but i still want a bloke who i can trust not to lose his effing job.

Im sooo mad i now just got as 'good luck and love ya text' its like he cant talk to me to my face -if he did i would want to kick him in the face

thank you for the support im getting stronger at a the moment this is my only outlet..apart from the punch bag

You are strong - and that doesn't mean he has the right to fling himself over your shoulders and weigh you down.

I'm dying to know what job you do.

woss, I'm so sorry for what's happening. You do sound very strong! I Just wanted to reiterate that many (perhaps even most) workplaces now consider accessing porn via the company computer system as gross misconduct = instant sacking. Does your DH get that, or does he think that his previous sacking was a one-off?

You wouldn't be the first DV professional/marriage counsellor/divorce lawyer to find yourself shackled to an appalling H. Hell, I sometimes teach a university class on women's rights, and I ended up in a refuge. I'm not trying to out you, so no need to say what you do, but you can always comfort yourself that you have some additional real-world experience to add insights into whatever it is you do professionally.

i just feel like a load of earth has just fallen on me ans in tryin to breath

You are not alone Woss, I suspect Cognitos words have just hit home with many strong, bright, capable women.