Problem with SIL. Advice on how to proceed please? (long!)

[CarpeJugulum]

DH has always been close-ish to his brother who is a nice guy. BIL met and married SIL relatively quickly (no judgement from us there as it was only finances that kept DH and I marrying within months of meeting each other) and we have always been very supportive of them - hopefully emotionally as well as (on the odd occasion) financially, for example their washing machine died and we were in the fortunate position of having received a bonus, so we were able to replace it for them. I'm fairly certain that if it was the other way about, BIL would do the same for us.

BIL & SIL live in the same town as PIL, and historically have seen them regularly. We live in a different country so don't see them as often - but we speak to PIL once a week on the phone with DS and have a good relationship.

Anyway, SIL and I are friends on Facebook (yes I know!) so that she and BIL can see pictures of DS. She posted on Facebook about a major new purchase - not just a throwaway comment, her page was plastered with pictures and comments from friends and members of her family. I've also just become friends with FIL on Facebook (he's just joined) again for photos.

On the phone to PIL and conversation is on photo of DS that was posted, which SIL has commented on. MIL asks if I speak to her often on Facebook - I reply that it's more of a comment on photos thing so you don't really speak (they're still a bit IT clueless) and I mention (as an illustration) that she commented on DS and I commented on her new purchase. And the phone line goes silent.

PIL have not been informed of the purchase. Apparently they haven't seen BIL & SIL since Christmas, but BIL phoned them last week and they've borrowed some money as apparently SIL has been made redundant; and has been out of a job for a few weeks - but she's still buying expensive stuff.

Anyway, now SIL is way mad at me - she actually emailed me to vent her displeasure that "I discussed her private business, that had nothing to do with PIL" and I'm fairly sure she has blocked me on FB.

I'm not 12, so I'm not particularly bothered by this - I'm of the opinion that if it was such a big deal, she shouldn't have plastered it all over Facebook; also what the hell was she doing buying expensive stuff then borrowing money from PIL?!

But, I also don't want any problems to occur between BIL and DH, so I'm going down the bigger "apologise and make up" route.

I'm planning to respond to the email and try to pour oil on troubled waters.

But I have no idea what to say that doesn't come off as well - "grow up, and stop being a bitch to my lovely PIL"

Can someone help with phrasing this? I'd like to acknowledge that she feels a bit betrayed that I told PIL - but equally that I'm not sorry I had a conversation about something that was effectively in the public domain, especially as her profile is not protected.

Please help!

Hmm. Well, she's furious because she's guilty and/or embarrassed, presumably. So she should be!

I think I'd reply along the lines that their new swimming pool / car / carpet is gorgeous, I can see why she chose that one, etc. That, being such a fab improvement to their lives, it's natural to mention it in convo with PIL. And that, clearly, I had no idea there was a money issue between them. If I'd known about that, I might have waited for PIL to mention it first. Then go on to offer a bit of my own news/gossip, say I hope things are looking up for them and look forward to next chat.

Any good?

My effort...I am sure others will bring, bigger and better responses!!!

Dear SIL,
I am sorry that you are so upset that Mum and Dad know about the..... . It did not appear that your purchase of..... was a secret as I first saw it posted on your facebook wall and many other people had commented on how (nice/interesting/big/shiny....) it is. You are very lucky to have.........and so many facebook friends. Did you know that FIL is also on facebook now?
with best wishes.....

I would just say that I didn't realise it was a secret, as it was on facebook and fairly public, and that you had no reason to think that anything untoward was going on.

You need to make it clear that it isn't you who is to blame here, but also, for the sake of keeping this friendship which clearly means something to you, do it in a way where you're not being an outright bitch to her.

Yep - there's definite guilt in the email.

She is younger (by a larger margin) than us, almost a different generation, and doesn't seem to comprehend that we can be friends with PIL as well as them being DH's parents IYSWIM.

I'm liking the "so happy for them" option, but it's phrasing it without mentioning that I know they haven't been talking to PIL (until they needed money) for the best part of three months so obviously they wouldn't know.

Oh, why is life so complicated?!

IMO you don't need to mention that at all. People don't usually investigate the current state of play before discussing family news. No call to address that here.

She sounds a brat

Btw, I do see your point about the age gap. She possibly still sees parents as obstacles to be manoeuvred, rather than feeling completely at ease. This factor is outside your remit here, I think. If anybody wants to help her grow up a bit, it's her husband's job ... but, really, is her own :)

She's massively embarrassed at being caught out.

I'd go with what nizlopi says, however to me if she's posting it all over Facebook then it's not private, and if she's spending money on expensive things but borrowing money from PIL because they're struggling then it bloody well is PIL's business, and I'd have no trouble telling her so or worry about her thinking I was being a bitch about it. Any issues between DH and BIL are for them to sort out, perhaps SIL should have thought about this herself before acting like a fool!

Whilst I'm not suggesting you necessarily phrase it in these terms to her, it really is not up to you to have to act as gatekeeper to her secrets. If it was "private business" then she shouldn't be plastering it all over Facebook. Tell her you had no idea it wasn't in the public domain and if there's a problem between her and PILs, then she ought to sort it out with them.

Dear sil, I am so sorry to have upset you. Having seen all the photos of your shiny new purchase all over FB I had (wrongly) assumed that it was general knowledge and would neve have mentioned it to Phil had I known it was a secret.

I am so g,ad that your financial troubles are now over, you must be so relieved (!)

Look forward to seeing you soon.....blah blah general chat.

OP