I had a baby just before Christmas and DM who lives in another country came to stay, I originally said that for Christmas I wanted to go to ILs this year, the first for about 5, as I was taking this year off doing Christmas. DM told me she had nowhere to go as my DB was spending it with his Gfs family,this turned out not to be true she hadn't asked, I said DM could come. At the time I felt very pushed into it, I knew her staying for such a long time was going to cause problems. I offered that rather than stay with us I arrange an apartment for her to stay in but she declined.
So she arrived, she as usual criticised everything about me, my friends looked chavvy, my house looked scruffy none of these are true, she ignores me and throws herself in with the dc, she adores them but it's always very clear that she only really tolerates me so as she can be with the dc who she then treats as if she is the parent unless they require disciplining and then she refers them back to me. So i'd just had a baby I was sore and at one point I developed really severe pain which turned out to be retained placenta I told her I was really ill and that I think I was going to take some of the codeine the hospital had given me, her response was ' oh please don't think of the poor baby' ( I was bf), she helped with the dc but left me to make food for everyone clean up after everyone(she creates an unbelievable mess) and Dh spends most of the time cleaning up behind her. On boxing day she starts to put up some shelves in dds room because she wanted to not because we wanted her to, causing absolute chaos and dh spends the whole day having to sort it out when she can't do the job but has covered the whole down stairs in cardboard and crap.
I had said that I wasn't doing any of the family Christmas stuff but she railroaded me into having my grandparents over, she had fallen out with them and they weren't speaking, for dinner said she'd cook I told her the oven was broken and wouldn't cook only heat so just go buy easy buffet type food but instead she arrives home with about £100 worth of lovely Sunday roast stuff that needs to be properly cooked. I again tell her that it doesn't work she says yes but you cooked a ham yesterday, I say no I cooked that in the slow cooker, so dh spend the whole day looking after my grandparents whilst she figures out ways to make dinner, takes our oven apart screws and all and completely breaks the whole cooker, dh and I then have to go and sort out the mess me constantly on edge because I can tell how wound up dh is.
Anyway this is all back story,normal from her, sorry this is so long. The main issues were that one night she took the baby from me and was asleep on the sofa with dd on her chest, I was in the room, when she woke up I explained that it's important not to sleep with dd on the sofa due to the risk of cot death. The next night I had been cooking I come into the room, she has polished off half a bottle of wine and is laying on the sofa with her eyes closed and the baby asleep on her I was so angry that I shouted at her, she refused to apologise just saying she wasn't asleep and that if I didn't believe her that was my problem. The other thing was that she told me that my older children had told her I was a really grumpy mum, they are 7 and 4, they had told her this when I was 7 months pregnant, working and finishing my Msc and she had taken them to stay at her house. It really upset me because i'm sure it was a passing comment from them but she brought it to me like a problem that needed fixing, I'd a week old baby and the timing was terrible
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She was due to come and see the baby again when she was a month but just before she was due I rang her to ask her something and she ended up shouting at me down the phone telling me I never listen. I was calm but upset and just felt it was the final straw. I emailed her that we had some boundary issues that needed sorting out before she came to stay again but said I didn't want to get into petty who did what, she said what issues 
I said the above, she basically said that I was always a difficult child she had never forgotten my behaviour as a teen and would never be able to forgive me, I got angry and said that any bad behaviour as a child was as a direct result of her dysfunctional parenting. In the words of my brother 'what have you done, what, what have you done?' she has refused to speak to me hasn't seen the dc, missed out on the baby. I feel like the really bad child, I'm anxious, panicky and I don't know what to do and I know I'm going to have this thrown back at me in the future. My DM is really, really good at conflict she has always fallen out with somebody, didn't speak to my brother for 6 months. At all the big moments in my life she has caused huge rows so as they are all tainted with these issues, she told me my wedding was the worst day of Her life. That when dd1 was small the reason she cried was because I obviously didn't have enough milk for her as she had counted what I had dranknin a day and it clearly wasn't enough. She takes baths with my dc, I asked her not to she does it anyway the list is endless.
I can't stand it but they're are so many issues I don't think I can ignore them when she carries on to treating me so badly. If I could cut her out and then forget about her then that would be the answer but the not talking is almost as bad as taking the shit. What do I do? My dad says she'll never change and that I just need to distance myself but it's not that easy, she is on her own and I feel so guilty. Thanks for reading to the end, it probably all sounds so trivial and petty but hard to explain.