Domestic abuse&child contact

[juliasd]

6 mths ago I left my abusive DH along with our 2 children (9&6). He was verbally, emotionally&a bit physically abusive with me, verbally abusive with my DD and he hit my DS. He would loose his temper, shout, swear, throw toys across the room. Since we left the kids haven't wanted to see or speak to him. They've both said they hate him. I've given indirect contact but he wants to see them. He's taking me to court. He won't accept responsibility for what he's done and blames other people. The kids have flourished since we left. Anybody else been through anything like this?

More or less, although it was me who entered the petition for full custody and supervised visits.

However, ex was not violent towards DS, "just" threatened to kill us all and to take DS away. Thankfully DS never realised it.

Anyway, you have my sympathy.

I'd try to put a case for him not being able to be alone with the children.
They should be old enough to be heard about it, particularly if they were directly affected.
Have you ever talked to a gp about them, or taken them to counselling? It might be worth getting a report, even from the school.

What 'indirect' contact have you given him?

You can ask the Court to order that all/any contact is supervised and takes place in a neutral environment such as a contact centre.

However, if you haven't already done so, as Lueji has intimated you are best advised to get your ex's violence and verbal abuse of your dc recorded by professionals such as GPs, educational psychologists, teachers, etc, asap in order to support your request.

At those ages a court would be obliged to seek the opinion of the children as to whether they wish to have contact with their father.

If you can provide proof of his abusiveness I would.

Ok, attack is the best form of defence when dealing with an abuser. They do not understand compromise, which will just be viewed as a green light for them to trample all over you.

Get in touch with the school, the school nurse and social services. You need all this on record NOW so that by the time you get taken to court and CAFCASS get involved, there is a paper trail documenting your concerns about your children's welfare, rather than you bringing it up when you get taken to court which your X will claim is simply you spreading vindictive lies.

Remain polite and civil at all times but do not give an inch. Good luck.

Thank you so much everyone(thanks). The indirect contact is e-mail updates on the children with photos attached. I have also given him a private e-mail address so we can communicate without using solicitors and I am saving all the messages he is sending to me.
I have a diary which my DD wrote. She wrote things like "please stop dad from hurting us now!" or "please help us move away from dad forever now!" I also have a social services report which states that he called my DD a F*ing Bi**c and that he hit my DS on the head. The report also says that both the kids do not want to see him. The school has a "worry box" and my DD wrote in it that she is scared her dad might find us.
My GP has a record because I have been on anti-depressants. Both their present and former school have also agreed to write a statement for me.
I've heard bad things about CAFCASS and the courts not listening to childrens views.

I'd think you have good evidence and I do hope all goes well in court.

TBH, however, by now I'd have asked for a court order to prevent him approaching you (if you haven't yet) and (is that possible?) to prevent him from finding where you are.

Do you have a solicitor? I'd try and get legal advice asap, not only regarding his court case.

you need to make copies of all those diaries and reports from SS school etc as evidence. make sure they presented to court dont rely on CAFCASS presenting them .

you have enough evidence and CAFCASS will support but if dad presents as wounded victim "i lvoe my kids i jsut want to see them bla bl abla ..." then the court may well award supervised contact but this can be over a long time and if it does go well then all fine and good. insist that your bottom line is only only supervised contact in neutral place with third party supervision. hopefully your dc will be heard.

my dds were same age when they saw dad in contact centre - it was fine they had books etc he brought boad games and stuff. it did go well and they graduated to going out with the supervisor. then much later to unsupervised but only coz contact centre went well. your dd reports show a lot more help is needed and you could ask GP to refer to family therapist/play therapist.

(my dc's contact went wrong again later but that is another story related to ex's severe MH episode) )

i agree it might be worth you applying for a residence order in your favour either before he goes to court or in your response to his petition. ask solicitor.

a residence order state clearly kids live with you and mean you have more say over things like holidays in the future. ie you would not need his permission to take them abroad on holiday etc. it would also set out contact - and that could be indirect as now or if he presents a case then make sure is contact centre for minimum six months then review . if dd very scared etc get gp to get child pschologist on board.

where you have solid proof of harm to kids then you have a good case - jus be calm in dealings with SS etc make sure you refer to all reports and so on and present copies of them. think of lines to repeat like - "it is in my chidlrens best interest that they have six months to a year of indirect contact and time to rebuild their lives from the traumatic events before direct supervised conact could begin. any direct supervised conact should be on instigation of DD and DS because they want it." state clearly that you do understand their need to know and have a relationship with their father but because of the trauma of what has happened it would need to be built up very slowly and with a lot of support.

does he have Parental repsonsibility for both o them?

Hi, have been through similar.
Make sure everything has been documented. As soon as you receive papers contact Cafcass yourself.
I'll pm you with some bits and pieces.
Sorry you are going through this

You may find this organisation useful: www.rightsofwomen.org.uk

The helplines are staffed by female legal professionals.

Hi guys, I do have a solicitor ( on legal aid scheme). Cafcass have contacted her. I also have copies of everything and my solicitor has already sent copies of everything to the court. He claims to know where we lived and said he found that out by accident-I don't believe him. Solicitor said that could be brought up in court also.
Cestlavielife, yes he does have PR for them both.
I'm more scared of seeing him in court, we haven't seen him since we left 6 mths ago. Also, if contact is agreed then i'll be the one who has to tell the kids that they are being forced to do something they don't want to. They have both come on so well since we left and this will be a big step backwards for them.