I am just not good enough for my parents

[emlu67]

Title says it all but I have three younger siblings who don't have this problem!

My whole childhood I felt that my siblings came first. My Mum was a SAHM but not once helped me with homework or had any interest in my schooling, friends or hobbies. I left school at 16 to the horror of my teachers who expected me to do A levels but my parents simply wanted me at work. I duly got a good job and gave them a fairly high percentage of my salary that they asked for while I stayed at home. My brother started work a year later and didn't have to give them anywhere near as much in real or percentage terms which seemed very unfair. I grew up with constant put downs and discouragement so was out of that house as soon as possible. I had a mortgage from a young age and worked long hours to pay for it. They had no interest in my career and could probably not even name one company that I worked for yet know all about my siblings working lives.

I am the only one married and with children. My parents used to adore babies but when mine came along the novelty seemed to have worn off so apart from the odd bit of babysitting they have not spent much quality time with them at all.

We have a decent sized house in a good area which DH and I have worked extremely hard for. DH freely admits he is hopeless at DIY so everything that needs doing involves getting a professional out at an extortionate cost whereas all that needs doing in my siblings houses is done by my Dad who is quite handy and my Mum often helps with the gardening. They have never offered to help us, not once.

They know my siblings friends and even some of their parents but couldn't name one friend of mine. I invite them to various school events but feel like I am just going through the motions as they have no enthusiasm when they are there and really they take no interest in my family or anything we do. They live locally but the only time we really get together is at family birthdays etc.

Yesterday I hosted Mothers Day and was not helped out and barely spoken to, unlike DSis and her new (unsuitable) boyfriend who has been around five minutes - he got welcomed in with open arms. My child-free siblings had no concern that it was my Mother's Day too!

I only have a few good friends as suffer with low self esteem and since my teens have found it difficult to make friends. When people are friendly I tend to think 'why would you want to talk to me when someone better is standing a few feet away'. I really need to snap out of it before DCs are old enough to notice my lack of confidence. I am trying really hard to be the best mum I can to them and encourage them in everything they do.

Sorry for rambling but this is affecting my whole life. Have any of you had similar problems with your family and if so how did you overcome it?

Ohh I have seen this in families, and it causes so much pain. My advice, however, is to stop the comparisons for your own sake. Sometimes in life the more we try to make people appreciate us the sadder we get.

You have proved yourself, you are successful, hard working, independant and a fabulous role model to those still dependant on your parents.

Instead of waiting for them to acknowledge how amazing you truly are, try doing it yourself. Every day remember what you have achieved, and put all your energy in to your own offspring your little ones. It doesn't matter what you imagine others think of you, it is what you think of yourself that counts, and I for one think you sound amazing. Be proud.

All you need to be happy is let them all be - you are doing well with you and yours. Congratulations.

Sometimes our parents will never be who we need them to be. You have moved on ... don't continue to feel that you have to be in competition with your siblings.

Have you spoken to your parents about this? Do they know how you feel? Have you spoken to your siblings about it?

How horrendous for you. Am I right in thinking that this has all come to a crisis point because you now have children and it's more obvious?

You have put up with this for so long and thought you could cope, but it's just not working now and your children are missing out on key relationships because of your mother's hideous behaviour.

Sorry, this makes me really angry because it is so divisive and selfish. Where I have seen it in families I remember it made the siblings that were favoured feel either fear or hostility because they witnessed the victim's pain and couldn't handle the guilt. Bear that in mind with your own siblings, they are probably as fearful of disappointing your mother as you are.

Moving away might be an answer, not far, but far enough that arrangements have to be planned and discussed. Take control of your relationship with your mother - see your siblings as often as is reasonable, without her being around if possible. This will be important for dcs, to see their cousins, aunts etc. But they will do very well without grumpy granny.

My dp's family are like this - they have no interest in their beautiful grandchildren. His mother now has her adult son living back at home with her and her adult daughter obese and dependent. DP is immune to it, but it's so warped.

You're not good enough for your parents? Well then, they are not good enough for you, either. Don't let another generation (I.e.your kids) get dragged down by this BS. You only have one life, you've tried your best, now it's time to move on. You can still see your siblings no problem without having to see your parents. Your self esteem will get better if you see very little of your parents! Ultimately, life is too short to surround yourself with toxic people, regardless of whether they are family or friends or anyone else. And it'll help you show a more confident face to your little one.

If you don't want to continue being treated as a second-class citizen by your parents, I would suggest you go no contact and if they ask why tell them that as they appear to have no interest in you and your family, you can't be arsed to make an effort with them any longer - there's no need to go into any lengthy explanation and if they appear to want to hold an inquiry, tell them to work it out for themselves.

As for 'hosting Mother's Day'; you're a mother and your dc (ably assisted by their df) should be hosting you. Do try to get it right next year

Thank you ladies for all your good advice. It is unlikely that the DCs will see much of their two uncles without a reason such as a 'family do' as neither communicates especially the older one. They sit there the whole time like two sullen teenagers (they are 41 and 26!) the older one barely utters a word to anyone and then only if asked a question directly. My sister has gone the other way and is quite an extrovert hence the succession of unsuitable boyfriends. So you are right jifnotcif it seems to have affected the whole family in different ways, none of us are really 'normal'.

I haven't spoken to any of them about how I feel, but I don't think anything will change if I did. It is just so sad for the DCs who will grow up thinking this is normal. Thankfully DH parents are very interested in all of us but we don't see them much as they are elderly and don't live near. DH is an only child so the DCs have no uncles or aunties on his side.

I will just make the best of a bad situation and put DH and my DCs first every time no matter what. I will never get over the hurt but with less contact I will learn to live with it although I will never understand why grandparents are not interested in their only grandchildren. Thanks mumsnetters for your encouragement it has made me feel much better!

As I said earlier you are amazing. Sometimes just accepting rather than fighting is easier. There are some things in life you cannot do anything about and sadlly this is one of them.

At least you are breaking a negative family situation with your own family, and that is what you CAN do something about.

Be proud.

Quite agree with henrysmama: your parents are not good enough for you, not the other way round. And, infact, your whole family seems rather dysfunctional - your brothers don't sound exactly happy!

I would concentrate my energies on seeing more of your dh's parents while they are still around. Yes, they may be elderly, but it would be great to make the most of them while they are still here! Can they be persuaded to come and stay with you for the occasional weekend? Or could you go to theirs and stay in a premier inn nearby or something like that if they can't accommodate you all?

I am sad for you ... even as grown ups we find it hard to accept that our parents are not very nice people, but it does sound to me as though you are flogging a dead horse with this one.

Agree with Rightchoice Sometimes just accepting rather than fighting is easier. Why work hard to get recognition from people who don't appreciate you? Let someone else in your family organise mothers day. Leave early if you are not enjoying it, like a patrician guest . I know from experience it can be hard to not be appreciated by our parents for the lives we have tried to live and the struggles we have had, without their support to boot. But you sound a really nice person - I hope none of this prevents you living and enjoying the life you have created.

Poor you!

I see this a bit in my dhs family. His sister they can't do enough for but my dh . . . well they are so quick to jump in and criticise him! He is so lovely and doesn't deserve it. In all these years I've never been able to find a reason for it. The only thing that stands out is that he was a very difficult baby and toddler, but of course as adults they shouldn't hold this against him but perhaps subconsciously they do.

Its horrible when they will do anything for their daughter and won't hear a bad word against her despite her being a spoilt entitled little twat a lot on the time. My dh though they expect so much from him and won't accept a no as though he has to prove himself to them. He is actually incapable of saying no to them no matter how unreasonable the request. He did once as he physically couldn't do the thing they wanted him to and they reacted so badly! His face! The rejection! It was horrible.

The result of this is that he has very low self esteem and depression.

They are the same when it comes to the grandchildren to a certain extent. They obviously love them but are much more often too busy if we ask for help rather then if his sister asks.

My dh feels massively let down by them but internalises it. Its so unhealthy. He's starting therapy soon.

PooPoo

People from dysfunctional families end up playing roles; your DHs roles within that family is one of scapegoat for their inherent ills. His sister meanwhile gets the "golden child" role (a role itself not without price I might add although his sister does not realise this).

It is not your DHs fault that they are like this; he did not make them this way. even though they had him marked as being a difficult baby and toddler. Typical toxic parent response that, notice they put all the responsibility onto him. Such damaged people like his parents never apologise nor take any responsibility for their own actions.

Many children now adults of toxic parents often have FOG - this is an acronym for fear, obligation, guilt. They still look for and want approval from their parents, they are desperate to receive it from them and they never give it. They trained your DH well:(. If your DH has not yet read "Toxic Parents" written by Susan Forward I would suggest he does so as it could well help him. You may well want to read "Toxic Inlaws" written by the same author.

I note that he is going to have therapy soon; I sincerely hope that helps him. I would just add that counsellors are like shoes; he needs to find someone that fits in with him. You or even he may also want to read the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these pages.

When people are friendly I tend to think 'why would you want to talk to me when someone better is standing a few feet away' I have to comment on this... It is sad if you put yourself down like this. You sound like a lovely and intelligent woman. Of course people would want to talk to you!

I am so sorry you have had it so tough and admire your willpower and you should be proud of yourself! If you think things that put yourself down please recognise it for what it is: a nasty voice in your head.. (which I think everyone has to some extent..)

Atilla. You are completely right that they never apologise or admit they are wrong. They are like that with everyone actually, very critical of other people and make fun of them. They had a falling out with someone and its blatantly obvious that the other person was feeling hurt by something they had done, but they don't even for a minute consider that they might have done something wrong. It doesn't even appear on their radar.

What is this price his sister has to pay? Can't say Im aware of it. All she seems to do is play the situation to her advantage.

My dh definitely has FOG! I bought him the toxic parents book on advice from here, which he has read about half of so far. The weird and worrying thing is that he can't really see it. Its all buried very very deep. They did a good job! We read through some of the check lists in the book and i would for eg be able to see say 6/12 points that related to him but he would see 1/12. I am very worried that whichever professional he sees won't be able to get it out on him. He needs to open up and talk but he's not likely to that without a lot of digging, and why would the professional dig in that area on the off chance? I can tell him to talk to them about his parents but i can't make him.

He knows he is not well but takes every opportunity to blame it on something else, a medical condition, chemical imbalance etc. He's determined not to blame his parents. The loyalty is huge!

I feel your pain and totally sympathise. My parents treast me very diffrently than my siblings (one older, 2 younger) and I've no idea why!

I now barely talk to my mum. Visited her for mothers day and was there over an hour and she said literally 3 words to me. We then visited MIL and she couldn't have been nicer. I got a bit upset about it, but I've now accepted its never going to be any different and I'm just going to live my life how I want to and if they don't like it, tough!

ImnotaslimJim Have you thought of asking her? Not that she could say anything to justify it, just wondering what her response would be.

I was treated a bit different then my siblings but no where near as extreme as some on here. For me it was partly sexism i think. My brothers never did anything for themselves, my mum did everything for them and they got away with murder and got there own way a lot. I was just left to my own devices a lot more. I had the rent thing you mentioned op. My brothers didn't have to pay any for the first few years of work, whereas i had to pay rent from my part time job while still just school. My brothers would get to chose what was on the telly which sounds so petty! It builds up and hurts though.

The Golden Child can end up very engulfed by the Narcissistic Mother, and her life can end up being emmeshed in hers too. She may well grow without proper boundaries and proper self-identity. She is likely to remain, either forever or for a long time, as a puppet of the Narcissistic Mother.

You need to look up the stately homes thread...lots of ladies who have had this happen to them and lots of support there

Attila. They do everything together. The daughter doesn't socialize much with other people and if she has to go to a new place will take her mum with her. They also seem to share all the same opinions on things. The daughter is successful at her job but apart from that they live in each others pockets. Always thought the daughter were TOO close, a bit creepily but wasn't sure if i were just being mean.

Is that what you mean? Not sure if tin mothers a narc or not. Possibly the daughter and dad.

Excuse the random words popping in there, new phone! Hope it makes sense.

Yes that is what I meant.

My BILs relationship with his mother is very similar to what you have described in your post.

The favoured child? So does that mean your husband is in the same position as mine?

PooPoo, no I never have but I've always believed it to be "middle child syndrome" though I'm not technically the middle child. Eldest was first, so golden boy, obviously, younger DB was born at 33 weeks and nearly didn't survive, so was treated like a prince, and DSis was last so coould do no wrong. I was stuck in the middle, getting the blame for everything! I have had a read through the stately homes thread and a lot of it does sound familiar. I have recently learnt to disengage and my life is better for it!

This used to be me, youngest of five siblings and the one my parents barely bother with. Even moved back up here so my kids could be nearer them and they still only really see them at birthdays, other grandchildren get seen a lot.

You have two choices, tell them how you are feeling or get on with life and ignore them for the most. I chose the latter, whilst I love them to bits, I keep them at a distance now. It doesn't bother me so much anymore.

Fate. Why not tell then how you feel and at least give them a chance to explain themselves? Not easy though i know.