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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How do you manage violence from a sister?

19 replies

cagey2 · 19/03/2012 21:21

my sister has anger issues, and it has escalated to her walloping me round the head. She used to do this to her husband, and to me when we were teenagers. This is only the second time shes' done it since we are adults. I feel i have to draw a line under it now and have refused to see her except with other adults present (she hit me with my young children looking on). She is treating the incident as if it were a tiff. I want to help her, but I don't want to leave myself vulnerable again. Is it unnecessarily cruel to keep her at arms length this way?

OP posts:

DeepThought · 19/03/2012 21:35

yes agree stay away from her, or only see her in the presence of other adults

she sounds very dangerous

DeepThought · 19/03/2012 21:37

have you visible injuries? photograph them

you may want to think about reporting to the police, you have suffered an assault after all, notwithstanding a female family member

your dc should not be subject to witnessing violence, you are not being cruel to avoid her

Original poster

cagey2 · 19/03/2012 21:48

thanks DeepThought. It's really hard to stay strong and keep up the boundaries, she is my sister after all. It's hard to stop the habit of a lifetime of letting her act this way.

OP posts:

rightchoice · 19/03/2012 22:02

As a matter of interest is she older or younger. What were the circumstances? I would never let this happen twice, you absolutely have to pull back and stay away from her until she understands what she has done. If you just go back for more she will not learn, no matter what her age. She has worked out that 'nothing will happen' and it is a behaviour she has got away with for so long. Chances are people don't like upsetting her and let her get away with things, so much so that she thinks she can do what she likes.

The first time this happens it is not your fault, the second time it happens we have to ask ourselves why we are standing in the firing line. I would say stay away, and when she eventually asks why, say.... work it out.

I would refuse to go anywhere near her if it were me - it would only happen once and I would be out of there and leave her to her nastiness.

Original poster

cagey2 · 19/03/2012 22:27

she's my twin. Trouble is our children are friends and it's going to be upsetting for them not to see each other, at least for a while. I just can't see an alternative to refusing to see her alone. My DH says he will hit her if he sees her, which won't help matters. My parents don't want me to rock the boat and would rather i just tried to ignore it, and i know if i refuse to see her it will make life difficult for my parents and my other siblings, but i think i've put up for long enough.

OP posts:

DeepThought · 19/03/2012 22:30

have you ever thought whether she might have a personality disorder?

rightchoice · 19/03/2012 22:30

You have put up with it for long enough. What other person on earth would get away with walloping you around the head. Totally out of order and unacceptable. Hope she does not hit her children or yours in the same way. Stick to your guns and tell her why.

rightchoice · 19/03/2012 22:33

Why would your parents think it is okay for your to be walloped around the head by your sister. What if it were her husband or yours would it then be alright as long as the boat was not being rocked. Outrageous.

I'm pleased your DH sees sense. Stand your ground on this one it is important.

Original poster

cagey2 · 19/03/2012 22:47

i do think she has serious problems. But i think i'm partly responsible for letting her be this way for all our lives, I mean as her twin i've never been able to stop her doing this. My parents are afraid of her i think, though i've told my mum to try and stand up to her too. It's weird, as she charms a lot of people but has this very difficult side to her personality.

OP posts:

DeepThought · 19/03/2012 22:49

it's not your fault

your parents job was to protect you and they failed [harsh]

I'll find you a link, back in a mo

izzyizin · 19/03/2012 22:51

If she assaults you again, please don't hesitate to call the police which may give her pause for thought and encourage her to get the help she needs to manage her anger.

It will also send a message to all of the dc you have between you, and to your parents and wider family, that violence is not acceptable under any circumstances.

rightchoice · 19/03/2012 22:52

She is a bully - she bullies you and she bullies your parents.

If anyone walloped me around the head, no matter who it was I would be incandescent. It is not on.

You are not responsible, you have had no backing. Where are your parents coming from thinking this is okay. I am sure they would minimilaise it but at the end of the day you are a grown woman being wacked around the head it is simply not on. Do they whack you - would they think it normal to. If not why do they think it is okay to protect her when she does. She is a married woman whacking another married woman, would she seriously do it to say the next door neighbour, or the teacher of her DC?? If not, why is it okay as long as it is you.

Your are right about thisl You are.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 19/03/2012 22:58

Doesn't matter that it's your sister, your twin, that your children get along with each other or that your parents don't like boat-rocking. Violent, abusive people that treat you with contempt and make you frightened to say 'boo' should not be welcome in your life - not even if you share DNA. Until she apologises, gets help and promises never to do it again, give this woman a very wide berth.

DeepThought · 19/03/2012 22:58

here

pictish · 19/03/2012 23:01

No. No - you should never ever tolerate being belted round the head. That is inexcusable behaviour. You are right.
I certainly wouldn't be around anyone who did that to me.

Your parents are enabling her, but you really don't have to. I wouldn't care to be hit like that, sister or not.
I would say go away you dreadful person.

PissesGlitter · 20/03/2012 12:12

if it was me i would have hit her back the first time so she knew not to do it again

obviously this is not something you want to do now
but tell her if she does it again you will press charges

if you dont stand up to her or do something about it, it is showing your kids that it is ok to hit

PooPooInMyToes · 20/03/2012 13:37

I am assuming she hits her kids too? If she hits you and her husband I would be very surprised if she didn't hit them as well.

Original poster

cagey2 · 20/03/2012 17:19

thanks all for your supportive messages. It helps to see that it looks as bad from the outside as it does on the inside, if you see what I mean

OP posts:

PooPooInMyToes · 20/03/2012 17:53

My brother has hit me on numerous occasions, i can see similarities, namely the fact your parent do naff all about it. I don't understand it myself, brushing it under the carpet, just letting her get away with it. That doesn't help anyone including her. You start to feel that its almost normal because despite you being hurt no one does anything or in my case even reacts with shock because its so normal.

Its not even remotely your fault.

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