How the hell do you get over someone you still love when there's a child involved?

[MillyStar]

I'm in bits

I'm nearly 37 weeks pregnant and me and my bf have split up, we keep rowing constantly and we just can't take it anymore, I know I have my faults and I'm biased but it honestly is his drinking that's caused the problems and he could have fixed it all at any time and been a proper family

He's got depression also and ive stuck by him through so much shit and so many bad times waiting for the good to start, I spoke to him on Saturday and we had a bit of a row over money, I made some remark about him spending what he owes me on drink and he said 'no actually I'm sorting myself out now I'm away from you' when that's all I ever wanted him to do and encouraged him to do ;-( he phoned me tonight and I was in tesco so I said phone me back in 20 mins and he said I cant I'm going out - I felt like someone had punched me in the stomach all I ever got on Monday nights was sitting watching the tele or him staying at his all night rough from the weekend, now the cheeky fucker is going out when it's all I ever wanted ;(

I've just lay in the bath and cried my eyes out, I Get like this every single time I speak to him and I'm still streaming with tears now, he wanted me to phone him tomorrow and I've text him to say I can't because it upsets me too much, he just wants me to phone to sort out the rest of the money he owes me but I get paid next week so I'd rather pay the bills myself and save heartache

I know I'm stupid but I still love him and I feel broken ;( I'm trying to stay strong for my daughter in my tummy burning miss him so much and it makes me feel sick him out laughing and joking having a good time

My problem is I just don't know how I can cope talking/seeing him over the baby, i feel sick thinking of him coming to see her after I've been through labour without him then he can just leave us after a cuddle when he should be with us

Regardless of what he's done to me how can I get over him when I have to speak to and see him, every part of me says that no contact is the only way but obviously that can't happen

I dunno what to do I feel lost ;(

Gosh Milly, don't want your post to go unanswered. I don't know what to suggest except to get some support - have you got any family and/or friends around. Also, have you tried Al-Anon a supportbfor family and friends of alcoholics? They have meetings all over the uk. How are you for the practicalities - housing etc?

Hi greenwash, I'm only 26 and live with my parents, I'm staying here with the baby she's got her own lovely room and my maternity pay will cover my direct debits so there's not a problem on that side

I'm quite lucky considering and I sound like a silly whining child I'm just sick of being in bits whenever I speak to him but it's unavoidable becuase I obviously want my daughter to see her dad

It's just so hard because I still love him, I just need to know someone else has been there and it gets easier I suppose

Right,well I am a single parent with no help from my ex at all. My kids were 1 and 3 when we split up. The kids are 5 and 6 now, and it is oK.

Is he getting help or does he not accept he has a problem. Could you try counselling together?

I think it's too late just the fact that he's out larging it instead of here with me and bump makes me sick, I've stood by him for months whilst he had nothing and as soon as he has work etc he's off

Part of me hates him I don't even know why I'm bothered, it's the contact thing thats getting me usually I'd delete his num and not speak but it makes it so complicated having this connection, I'll prob be feeling a bit better in 3 weeks then I'll have to see him when bubba is born ;(

People are going through so much worse I just needed a moan I think thanks for being an ear x

Ah love, you can't be in a relationship with someone who drinks too much, it will never work so you are making the right decision even though it hurts like hell.

It will hurt, of course you wanted the relationship to work, to have a family unit but his behaviour stops that from happening. It's unlikely he has changed, he might try to show you that he has (hey, would you have got with him if you had seen the real him..I doubt it) so he is very practiced at hiding the real person but you know what he is capable of.

Maybe he will grow up one day and resolve the issues that he has (did he have a difficult childhood?) but it's unlikely to be soon, do you want to waste years trying to fix a person who doesn't want a family life?

You will have to see him when the baby comes along and he may at time charm you but just remember the incidents that you have had, remember the chances you gave him. Eventually as you get stronger you won't feel bitter or angry but you will just feel sorry for him. He may seem like a fun bloke now but in a few years he will just be another sad lonely drinker. I've seen it many times.

write down all the times he has let you down - it's ok to feel sad, it's natural to mourn the end of a relationship as it represented our dreams and future. Give yourself lots of time to recover (it's like a loss and takes 2-4 years to emotionally recover). You are still very young, you have your whole future ahead of you with your new baby. Good Luck

Yes,you will be fine.
We have lots of alcoholism and recovery in our family, it NEVER gets better on it's own, and it can makes the people around it confused and miserable. Iit may be for the best to extricate yourself now - you do have your whole life ahead of you

The man you are in love with is an idealised version of the man you actually have. It is a sober, pleasant alter ego - possibly one you've seen flashes of when he's not been drinking. Love makes us optimistic that we can change people. And that is almost never true - especially when talking about addiction. It's very frustrating and upsetting. It's very hard to give up hope.

How you cope is that you stay strong and you keep your distance best you can. List all the reasons why your life is so bad at the moment and keep it close. Otherwise, when you talk to him or see him again and he's on best behaviour you will forget all the crap and you will think it might be OK.

Good luck

Thank you so much everyone you are a brilliant help

I know i'm looking at it through rose tinted spectacles of what we could be when in reality if we got back together he would be drunk within a couple of nights and i'd be crying myself to sleep listening to him snore

I suppose the rejection just hurts, i feel ok during the day when i'm kept busy at work it's just the lonely nights and stuff, i should go to see my friends but then i have to explain whats happening to them and i can't face that either!

I'm sure time will heal me and i'll avoid all contact until she is born, mabye one day i'll find someone amazing hwo will put us first

OP, my partner dumped me when I was a month pregnant with my second child. I know it is hard but I can honestly tell you it will get better, and you will get over him, even when you have to have contact with him (and actually you don't, during the pregnancy- I stopped having contact with mine because he was verbally abusive to me even over the phone, and just called him when I went into hospital- I have a friend who didn't call hers until the baby was born though as she didn't want him there, it's your choice as to when you get in touch with him until the baby is born. It will also be much, much easier to care for your baby without some drunken, vindictive idiot around causing you drama. I promise. The fact that he's claiming to be so much better away from you is just an indication that he's using you as a scapegoat for his own problems.

Thank you Wibbly that means a lot

I'm just so angry with him at the moment he's decided to do his own thing iand the thought of him coming to hosp and being the doting dad makes me so mad when he's already chosen the drink! It will make me feel uncomfortable aswell and the last thing i want to be on that day is upset when i'm with the little love of my life, why should i feel like that after doing all the hard work and it's not like she will remember who came anyway as long as she knows who he is and sees him that's the important thing

I just hops she never ends up with a shit like him, and i bloody wish i had a button to switch of loving him i dont even know why i do anymore i suppose it's just all the effort and love i've put into us, i need to hold back next time and not give myself to someone fully, the guards have definetley gone up now

Thank you so much i will read this thread when i'm feeling low it helps so much xf

Hi Milly, it will get easier but it takes time. My husband and I were trying for a baby for over a year when I fell pregnant.

I was a little surprised by his reaction when I told him but all became clear a few weeks later. He came home from work and announced he didn?t love me and was having an affair. I was devastated and in shock. The next few months were horrible, trying to prepare for the baby and come to terms with the loss of my best friend, home, marriage, environment for my child and future we?d been working towards.

I had an amazing friend at the birth who I think was much more supportive then he would have been if we were together (!) but I did, at my weakest point, cry out for him (I blame the drugs)

I hoped the joy of having my baby would wipe out my feelings for him but I was hit with such sadness that our child would not know their parents being together and such a longing for him. Baby blues hit me badly but did clear after a few days.

He comes to visit every other weekend and we both walk on egg shells trying not to rock the boat. It is hard spending time with him but you just need to stay focussed on your child, it?s about them after all. I did find myself enjoying his company at one point and looking forward to his weekends as I missed him so much. I just had to remind myself of the lies he told and how irresponsible his actions were. I just keep thinking that one day she?ll be old enough for him to pick her up and drop her off without having to speak to me other then basics about baby.

As for the love thing, I?ve separated him into two people. This may sound a bit messed up but some days I deal with it by thinking my husband died and left over is this man who is the father of my child but that I don?t really know and I must remember that he doesn?t care for me one little bit.

Every one is different and we all deal with things in different ways but I think we all have the ability to get through extraordinary things. What I?ve been through in the last year has been the most devastating thing to happen to me but I look around at others and see what things other people have been through and survived and it gives me the strength to know I can get over this. You do too xx

Thanks 1andahalf it helps so much to know others have been in the same boat

I know i'll be ok i'm getting my daughter soon who will mean more to me than he ever could, i'm fine during the day at work i just hate the night times i'm sick of crying myself to sleep

I'm sure one day i'll look back and think what the hell was i thinking lol