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Original poster

DH going on a business trip

16 replies

redvelvetcake · 19/03/2012 08:56

So it's not for long, it's only overnight. But it's to the city where he had his one night stand. Its made me remember every detail of what he has done. Just when I thought I could try and get past some of what he has done, it's like taking ten steps back.

I hate what he has put me through. I hate all the lies we've had in our marriage. I hate crying everyday in the shower so no one can hear me

OP posts:
mummytime · 19/03/2012 09:08

I would make it very very clear why you have a problem with this trip. Has he tried to reassure you and prove his remorse, or just tried to sweep it under the carpet?

AnyFucker · 19/03/2012 09:09

What does he say about this. That is crucial, I think.

if you haven't told him how you feel, make it very clear. If you are protecting him from your hurt and devastation, stop it.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 19/03/2012 09:22

This is why, when casual affairs are discovered, it is so damaging to a relationship. The memory of the event itself you may be able to suppress or put behind you in a 'Keep Calm and Carry On' kind of way, but the knock-on effect to not being able to trust someone any more is permanent. If there have been more lies in the relationship than just a one-night stand you are going to be suspcious regardless of what city the business trip happens to be in.

I think, rather than 'ten steps back', you're facing the truth, which is that your relationship is mortally wounded.

AnyFucker · 19/03/2012 09:31

I agree with cogito

Nothing has changed, red

But this is what damage he has done to your trust. he needs to know it, and know it well.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 19/03/2012 09:37

I speak as someone who (briefly) tried to make a go of things with my ex after he admitted seeing someone else. He walked out, returned, and at first I was pathetically grateful that he'd come back to me. Thought we could put it behind us etc. But pretty quickly, once the initial relief had worn off, I realised that nothing would be the same and that I couldn't look at him without thinking 'traitorous little shit'. It was knowing that I no longer trusted him and that he had no respect for me that made me realise it was over.... and that's a tough thing to admit.

Original poster
redvelvetcake · 19/03/2012 10:23

He has offered to ring me every hour. He said he wouldnt go. But he has alot of work in that city and he would have to go sooner or later, so I'm trying to bite the bullet on this.

But FFS couldn't he have just kept it in his pants? Couldn't he have remembered his son and pregnant wife?

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 19/03/2012 10:50

He didn't remember and I'm sure you've spent a long time wondering if that was the only occasion... was it just one night.... have there been others..... will it happen again? 'Biting the bullet' is ignoring your feelings which is fine if you can go on, chin up and everything progresses A-OK normal. But when, by your own admission, you're crying every day in the shower and feeling upset about the lies and the betrayal, something is very badly wrong. And it's not your fault.

He's the luckiest person on the planet. Played away from home, claims it was a one-off, begs forgiveness and ends up with a nice understanding wife and some children to come home to. You're crying, upset, can't trust him and are left sat at home having to call him every hour in order to reassure yourself that he's not in bed with another woman... like he couldn't get around that if he wanted to. What exactly did you get out of the deal?

MadAboutHotChoc · 19/03/2012 14:20

I agree that it sounds like things were not resolved properly and probably swept under the carpet - the fact that you are finding it hard to cope, crying every day and so on is worrying.

What did he do to help you recover from the affair? Counselling? Talking? Reading books? Does he show an understanding of how betrayed you feel, of why he felt entitled to have this affair etc. Is he transparent and open e.g full access to mobile/laptop etc?

winteragony · 19/03/2012 19:48

Red, is there any way you could go on the trip with him? I know you have DCs but could they be looked after by someone else for a couple of days or even go with you and stay in a family room? Obviously I don't mean you go to the boardroom/client's office or whatever with him but just be around, meet him for coffee/lunch after his meeting, have dinner that night together or at least a nightcap. If you turn it into a positive trip for all of you it might wipe away the negativity of that city.

maras2 · 19/03/2012 20:16

Red.Sweetheart,after reading all of your other posts I'm not surprised that you don't trust him.I've no advice as I'm stunned that you are still with him.He will never change.He cheats and lies.You are way to good for him;also he's not a very good father.You seem so nice and he is a bad man.Sorry to be such a grumpybum and hope that someone more elequent than me will be along soon. Mx.

MadAboutHotChoc · 19/03/2012 20:28

Maras - have just looked at her previous posts (didn't recognise Op) and I agree it does not look good Sad, no wonder Op is having a tough time coming to terms with the affair.

SunSoakedStone · 19/03/2012 20:51

OP im so sorry. I have no advice but I've been there too when I was pregnant and we had a young DS. We're still together but I hate him going away as well. I'll never trust him again I don't think. It's fear of being alone that makes me stay, plus I do love him. I even want another baby but I wouldn't bring a child into this. I hope it works out for you but you must show him what it's doing to you.

Original poster
redvelvetcake · 19/03/2012 21:24

He is changing but it's slow. He separates this incident from all our other problems. So it can be frustrating.

The full extent of what he has done I havent posted. I'm dealing with it by putting a stone on my heart and moving on. I will never be able to fully forgive him.

I think with the new baby, I'm feeling low. And sometimes I just don't know anymore.

OP posts:
MadAboutHotChoc · 19/03/2012 22:07

All this sweeping under the carpet stuff is not doing you or your mental health any good, no wonder you are feeling low and probably suffering from depression thanks to your selfish cheating H Sad

Your H is learning that he can get away with shagging other women - he will do it again and again Sad

What kind of life do you want for yourself and your precious DC? Always wondering where he is and what he is doing Sad

AnyFucker · 19/03/2012 22:14

red, you sound so beaten

I hope you can find some anger very soon x

AnyFucker · 19/03/2012 22:15

btw, I wouldn't bother trying to find a way to accompany him on his business trip

it seems so desperate and will weaken your self respect even further, and you can't accompany him everywhere forever

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