Fallen out of love, what to do now ?

[mrsobriain]

We have been together for 22 years, met at uni, been together ever since. There is another thread by Purpleplant which rung through to me but I didn't want to hijack that so have started my own.

I guess we have fallen out of love, there is no affection, just anger and resentment and frustration from both sides. I am quite an emotional person, my husband does not seem to have any emotions at all. His whole family are very confident, very able, very strong. I am probably the complete opposite. I think having that sort of upbringing has made him into a very successful person when you look from the outside but I think that he just doesn't show any emotion because he doesn't want to be seen to be vulnerable in anyway. I just want an occasional hug and kiss. But we are beyond that now and I really don't know what to do. I can't imagine life without him, I couldn't support myself financially on my own but sadly, I think that and the children are what are keeping me here. But I can't live like this, having separate lives because that is not my idea of marriage. I don't know what his idea of marriage is - this has been going on for so many years now. I think he bought into the idea of marriage as something to do as that would be what was expected of him whereas I wanted the whole 'soulmate', happy-ever-after scenario.

We have two lovely children but it is so obvious to them that something is wrong - my 9year old asked me the other day if we were going to get a divorce ! We don't often argue in front of the kids, but I do spend a lot of time crying and I just can't get through to him how unhappy I am. I can't speak to anyone about this which is why I have come to MN. He would be livid if he found out I had spoken to anyone.

Has anyone been here and been able to get back together again ? I can't leave him, I just can't but I don't know how to get him to see there is something seriously wrong and we both need to do something about it if we want to stay together. How do you get someone who has no feelings understand how you feel ?

I think, in this kind of situation, you have to communicate honestly. If the two of you can't talk without anger and frustration then this is when neutral mediators come in handy. Either organisations such as Relate or, if you're religious, with a pastor. Create a forum to get feelings out in the open, give everyone the chance to say their piece, and take it from there.

But then you have to be realistic. There is a possibility that the mediation could be effective and the relationship could flourish. But there is also a very real possibility that you find nothing changes, you are flogging a dead horse, and that you are even more miserable as before. At the moment you are closing down your options with phrases like 'I can't leave him', 'can't imagine life without him' and 'couldn't support myself financially'. This level of dependency on someone that doesn't care for you very much, isn't healthy for your mental state. If your husband knows you feel this way it's carte blanche to treat you with contempt....

Finally, even though you think you don't argue, if a 9 year-old is asking you whether you are divorcing then the atmosphere in your home must be more toxic than you think. Good luck

Thanks Cogito, I am going to call Relate to see if they can help. It is not something he would go to but it might help me feel strong enough to take some action. I think it is the reality is what scares me, I am flogging a horse that died a long time ago. We have just been too wrapped up in other things to address it but it is not good for anyone.

We are most frightened of what we don't understand. It's not the reality scaring you, therefore, but your fear of the unknown.

The reality of life as a singleton is rarely a bed of roses but is certainly better than living in a destructive atmosphere. It may be better than you currently imagine and the best way to establish that is to do some research. There is nothing to stop you, for example, contacting a solicitor or a free advisory service like CAB to see what your legal position would be in the event of a separation. There is nothing to stop you putting some funds aside in a personal savings account so that you have some money to fall back on. You could check out the Turn2Us Benefits Checker (to be updated early April) and see what state help you'd be entitled to.

Going through this exercise can be empowering because when you subsequently make decisions, they will be informed ones on a solid basis. You won't be sticking around out of the irrational fear of there being no alternative.

Hi Mrsobrain lazily copied and pasted my response to another very similar thread.... have been in this situation for the last couple of years, we did split up for about 7 months, put the house up for sale and had the who gets what discussions, it was pretty miserable and I started looking at properties to buy on my own and felt utterly depressed. Me and dh have definately grown apart after 11 years together, we have had a lot of battles to fight along the way and although there is still alot of love there, any passion and sexual interaction died long ago.
We have had arguments and there is a lot of resentment from my part about various things but I thinik for the same reason as OP states, we didn't think there would be much benefit is us separating in the end. Neither of us would be able to afford a decent lifestyle on our own, it would tear our dd life apart and in many ways, we work well as a team, getting through the challenges that life these days presents. Cohabiting with someone to talk to, someone to give you a hug after a horrible day at work, someone to share a meal with and go and watch the children in concert with, someone to help with the kids homework and share the bills, even go on a holiday.....surely its bettet tha being on your own.
AND... I dont think there is a store of eligible men out there waiting to step into their place and give us all we yearn for.....

Thanks Lostlilly, but how do you handle the lack of affection and intimacy ? I find that so so hard to deal with. I might as well be living on my own. I can't stand it. I want him to feel something, indifference is the worst thing to live with.

I have to say I am truly amazed at how many people are in a similar situation to me.

By the way, there is a long waiting list for Relate in my area and it would be quite expensive over a few weeks, not something he would stretch to (I couldn't stretch to on my own).

Lostilly is describing 'settling'. My own parents did something similar a long time ago, went for separate rooms and now live together like tetchy house-mates rather than a loving husband and wife. My brother and I didn't appreciate the sacrifice because the atmosphere at home was so bad-tempered we couldn't wait to get shot. We'd have much preferred it if they'd separated because, individually, they're lovely people. Even now... and they are in their seventies... we don't enjoy visiting because nothing has changed and the constant low-level bickering is upsetting. He's now got a disability so not only does she have to live in the same house, she's also landed with being his carer. Imagine the resentment that causes. When they recently celebrated their 50th anniversary I couldn't get enthusiastic about it at all. There are far worse things than being alone.

Been unable to log on past 24 hours...Cogito that sounds like you had a really hard time, not so dissimilar to my own parents, I am so worried that we are going to end up the same way because neither of us wants to be the one to break things up. I don't want to 'settle', I think my husband would probably be ok with that but I am finding it unbearable even now. I need some time to think about my next steps. Thank you everyone. Wish you something better too.

we do cuddle and there is affection but no sex....but thats because of me not him. There is an element of 'settling' but I look around and there are so many people in the same boat or alot owrse than us, we do still get on okay and comapred to many we barely argue at all. I wonder sometimes whether the strains of life these days, coupled with the increased opportunities make modern day marriage almost impossible long term. I think people work shifts, work away from home, everything costs so much and we are constantly under more pressure to earn more money, familes are spread out and split up so support is often not there as it used to be, we spend long hours at work with people and often end up with more in common with them than those at home who we hardly ever see apart form in bed! Its very very sad but I truely think that this kind of lifestyle is whats ruining marriages and families. We are exhuasted, stressed out, under pressure, trying to perfect parents and perfect partners and have careers ............its too much

sorry about typos

Oh lostlilly, I agree there is too much pressure, hope you are able to find some good memories in there somewhere. I am trying to focus on being generally more positive and I think that is helping.