Need advice about parents revelation

[confusedgypsychick]

Not sure if this is the right forum to put this in, but I'm really wondering what to do about this. My parents were visiting a few weeks ago to see DS for the first time (he was born about 3 months ago) and while here, and after a couple of drinks we somehow got on the subject of a summer when I was 9 when I suddenly couldn't sleep at nights in my bedroom at all, I spent weeks sleeping on the floor in my parents room until they finally put a bed into my little brothers room and I slept there for the next 3 years. They asked me if I knew why I started doing this and I said no, I just suddenly couldn't sleep, and that I assumed it was the start of my problems with depression (perhaps a manic type episode or something).

Then my mother tells me it was because I was abused by my friends older brother for an unknown period of time (she was 10, he was probably in his late 20's early 30's). I told her not to be silly, that I remember no such thing. My parents say I've blocked it, and I honestly have no rememberence of this at all.

Ever since I've been lying awake at nights wondering if it is possible that I've completely blocked this from my memory, or if my parents are wrong. (As I don't believe there's any proof other than my sleeping problems and the fact the the girl and her family moved within weeks of when the problems started, after my parents confronted them with the possibility that their son had abused me).

I'm really anxious and confused about this, and I don't know if I should just stop thinking about it and go back to "blocking it" or should I try and find out more? Perhaps speak to a psychologist about it.

Oh my goodness. What a shock for you. I think you need to speak to your parents again and find out exactly what happened. I then think you should see you GP and ask to be referred for professional counselling.

Yes, please do, and be careful about any and all advice you get.

No two people or situations are the same, and 'forcing' this thing which you really dont remember out of your memory may not do you as much good as is hoped.

I think you should speak to a counsellor, too, but be really careful to take soundings about them, as there are a variety of counselling styles and methods. Also, try to find someone who deals with this issue.

Oh you poor thing, and when you've just had a baby, too. So much to deal with.

I agree with the counselling idea, and that it is important to find someone really good who won't browbeat you into believing something you can't remember.

On a completely different note, if you are wondering how on earth you can go to a counselling appt when you have a tiny baby to care for, honestly, take the baby. Have been through this and it is so much easier if you can just include baby in it all rather than rush about organising feeds to match appointments etc.

That is very similar to an experience of mine ....I have no recollection or feelings about the time period but my db1 has been absolutely traumatised by what he says he saw ,my feel on this is I dont remember it,its in the past leave it there....how long for? I dont know.

I just have such a hard time beliving that I would have blocked something like this. How would I have absolutely no recognition?

What I do remember is a girl on my swim team coming up to me and saying that she'd heard what had happened to me and that something similar had happened to her if I wanted to talk about it. I had no clue what she was talking about at the time, now I wonder how many people knew?

I have no experience of this.
Are you getting along completely fine as you are right now? If so, maybe you could leave things as they are right now and put of delving into the past until you feel you need to?
If you feel that there may be issues you have now that exploring this could help resolve, that's a different matter.
But, as I said, I have no experience of this.

confused,it was similar with me.

It took me 15 years to find my brother on and off,when we finally found him he was v upset and was saying hed tried to stop 'him' etc etc ( i have to admit i know deep down things had happened but i was very cloudy) he thought wed looked for him to find out about this ,its truly affected all his life and led him to a way of life that means he isolates himself,I on the other hand just go along.
I spoke to a counsellor friend who said just deal with things as and when until the inevitable flood gates open.

Perfectly normal to bury it its the brains way of protecting you or so I've been told. I was abused by older brother for 8 years stopped when I was 12, I then 'forgot' all about it until my first relationship tried counseLling but wasn't ready to open up properly. Reburied it again but not completely. I now know majority of what happened through disclosing it last year and being put in touch with Rape crisis and undergoing counselling. Still have little bits coming back though but because of how young I was have been told I'll never know the full story. If you want to do something do it when you are completely ready not when others want you to. Xx

Blocking traumatic experiences out is a childhood survival mechanism. The traumatic memory is stored until such time that you are ready to deal with it and process it. But that is up to you to decide, not your parents. I'm shocked they have brought this up with you like this. I agree with others, find some good professional support to help you now this has been forced on you to deal with.

Not sure why they chose now, when I'm dealing with my first baby, to tell me, other than my DM had had a bit too much to drink. It's all a bit overwhelming. I'm worried that I'll start getting flashbacks or something and that it will effect how I treat the baby. I've suffered from severe depression for most of my life, and I'm not really sure if I'll be able to cope if memories start coming back.

You poor thing. Even if your DM was a little drunk that's no excuse to put this on you. Please tell your DH and find a therapist you can support you. Keep posting.

It was very wrong of your mother to dump this on you now. Chances are it was playing on her mind and she needed for it to come out, but she should have arranged a time to talk to you about it rather than just keeping schtum and then letting it slip out while drunk.

I was abused as a child and my memories are very very patchy. There are some things I just know without actually remembering them if that makes sense. Other things I just have flashes of.

The abuse just came back to me all of a sudden when I was a teenager. Up until then I had completely buried it.

Would it help you to talk more to your mother about it? Find out more details? I would imagine the uncertainty is the worst part.

If you've suffered from depression for most of your life, perhaps this is a reason? Some people describe depression as anger turned inwards.

Is there any information in your medical records?

Maybe seeing you caring for your DS has heightened their feelings of guilt over not being able to protect their precious daughter (you). It may be that they just couldn't hold it all in anymore. Not trying to find excuses, just an explanation for why it would've come out like that, right now.

Oh, and I'm not trying to say they should feel guilty. Just that they may do, even though they probably couldn't have prevented it happening.

YouchangeWiththeWeather, I've moved around so much in the last 10 years I wouldn't know where my medical records from that time are. My mother says that they took me to a doctor (I don't remember this) who confirmed that I had been abused.

Assuming you are in the UK, the information may well be in your GP records. It's probably worth a chat with your GP anyway to see what counselling options are available to you.

All this will be in your gp records mine is as it was 1983 mine was just my childhood history of my operation at 12 due to the abuse. The other thing is how old are you, not trying to say your parents are lying but if the gp confirmed it was abuse he/she would of been duty bound to report it to police.

I'm not sure how "confirmed" it was or if the GP said, ya given the circumstances (the not sleeping and other things) that it sounded like abuse. I think I really need to have a discussion with my mother about this. Also, I'm not living in the UK right now, so talking to my GP will be a bit difficult.

Take it easy on yourself don't let this spoil your new baby time x

I think you need to start by seeking out professional help because other people's ideas and opinions can start to feel like a burden and you already have a lot to cope with.

Choose someone kind and gentle who will let you talk about whatver you like in your own time.