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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

unappreciated mother

24 replies

gladiatorsmith · 18/03/2012 18:03

I'm feeling so upset as my son, aged 22, hasn't bothered to do anything at all for mothers day. He says he doesn't do cards or mothers day. He's away at uni and I've emailed him to let him know how hurt I feel but don't expect any understanding. He doesn't do cards on birthdays, christmas etc. but this feels upsetting to see cards in the windows of others, and I have no recognition.
I used to allow for his teenage behaviour, but he's a man now, so it hurts. It seems that he expects me to accept that he doesn't do these things, but for me it's like he doesn't care.

OP posts:

LiarsWife · 18/03/2012 18:11

Does he expect cards and presents on his birthdays ?

Just smacks of a lack of respect for you I'm afraid

BeerTricksPott3r · 18/03/2012 18:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FarBetterNow · 18/03/2012 18:23

I don't know what you should do. I was first going to say don't bother sending your son a card for his birthday, as he doesn't send you one.
My DB has lived in Oz for 40 years and doesn't do cards, even for our parents when they were still here. He didn't send our DDad one for his 80th, that really p**d me off. But I do make a point of sending DB and SIL cards in the hope that one day that might realise the point of it.
Hugs to you.

suburbophobe · 18/03/2012 18:23

I think you need to get over it. Sorry.

I am a LP and my son is at university too. Never did I expect a card for Mother's Day and it doesn't upset me.

He didn't even get me a birthday present or anything earlier this year. Didn't want one either (have too much junk already ).
Did come home for it though and we had a nice dinner together.

I realise that his attention is now on his studies and forging his own way in life.

I know I'd rather have that than him still living at home expecting me to still mother him! (Some of his old school friends live like that).

crypes · 18/03/2012 18:27

Does he actually like you? Have you brought him up with the mothers day tradition? I don't think theres many mums posting on hereso with adult children and so there may be a lack of advice

unavailable · 18/03/2012 18:29

Are you really unappreciated? I havent had a mothers day card from my (now adult) son since he was about 7 and he used to make one at school! It doesnt bother me and it is not a sign he doesnt love or appreciate me.

suburbophobe · 18/03/2012 18:30

Oh, and from all the Mother's Day threads on here today with most posters expressing disappointment in one way or another, it's sad that commercialism has hijacked it so completely that we seem to think it's the only day in the year to show it....

Chrononaut · 18/03/2012 18:32

well personally i dont do cards or anything like that.

namely because when you forget people get stupidly pissed off about it. I mean ffs its a folded piece of paper. I call people up or if thats not possible, wish them happy birthday or xmas when i see them. do not do mothers day or fathers day.

Original poster

gladiatorsmith · 18/03/2012 18:38

no he takes me for granted at home and in general. For all those that think I shouldn't be bothered, it's the thought that counts, and he has no thought for me unfortunately. I believe that we should bring our children up to respect and care for others. Not to the extent that we become someone we are not, but just a small recognition that we care.

OP posts:

destinyorfate · 18/03/2012 18:59

I am sorry you feel let down.

It is all too easy to just say it is 'commercialised', and it is, I know, but really, it is one day in 365 where kids/children can show their appreciation and God only knows, most mums deserve it! And even if someone doesnt 'do cards' it isnt about that, it is about showing someone that they matter to you and that you appreciate all that they do for you.

And I know from my own relationship with my mum, it was a chance for me to let her know that I cared. My mum was very undemonstrative and I dont ever remember her telling me that she loved me but I am sure she did, it just wasnt the done thing to say so.

tunaday · 18/03/2012 19:06

It's hard not to be upset/hurt even when you know its just a commercial thing I think. My friend got a MD card today from her two sons for the first time for years and years. They are 27 and 24. I wonder if boys are less bothered/aware of the significance of cards/gifts in general and whether they take longer to mature and become less self-centred? I have just the one dd (26) so no personal exp of bringing up boys, but from what I hear my friends with boys say, they often appear to be less thoughtful/self-aware and generally tuned-in than girls of the same age. I hope as your ds gets older that he improves gladiator. It's hard when you try to instill your values and it just doesnt appear to register :(

PooPooInMyToes · 18/03/2012 19:07

I think you should have a chat with him and tell him that respect his decision to not buy cards but that you feel sad he doesn't appreciate you or at least doesn't show that he does.

As for taking the piss when he's at home, you need to put a stop to that. People only do that if they can.

HairyGrotter · 18/03/2012 19:10

Can't say I'd be too perturbed if my DD didn't give me a card when she grows up to be an teenager/adult because I don't expect recognition. It's a nice gesture, but I'd rather she got on with her life as best as she could, then I'd feel confident knowing I had raised her the best I could.

This is the first year I've got a MD (she's only 3 lol) but that's because I was a LP till last year. It's nice, but not something I expect.

I'd just suck it up I guess.

HappyCamel · 18/03/2012 19:16

I think you went wrong when you "put up with his teenage ways", sorry. Children need to be taught to respect and appreciate others, humans are naturally selfish.

Tell him how you feel, if that's how he treats his mother I bet his wife will be on here complaining and being told to leave the bastard in a few years.

ImperialBlether · 18/03/2012 19:51

I don't think this is so much the matter of a missing Mothers' Day card, it's his general attitude towards you.

Was he close to you as a child? If so, did it stop when he was a teen?

Does he contact you much? Are you the one who phones him? If you send him a text, how long (if ever) does it take him to reply?

Does he come home for university holidays? If so, what's his attitude towards you?

ImperialBlether · 18/03/2012 19:51

I meant to say, when he's home, does he ever sit and chat to you? Do you feel you're pumping him for information rather than having a chat?

RabidEchidna · 18/03/2012 20:01

Think you need to forget his birthday/christmas see how he feels

Original poster

gladiatorsmith · 19/03/2012 11:12

I didn't "put up with his teenage ways" - re HappyCamel. I have had constant battles and arguments over the years about all the usual crap a teenager can give you. But at the end of the day, if the child refuses to conform, you either throw them out or continue the arguments or give up. I didn't give up, he isn't a bad lad, just refuses to conform. He has never been in trouble. There are millions of parents who have to "put up with teenage ways" because as a teenager, they do go through a rebellion and a pulling away from their parents. Its natural. I refused to give up on him.
Yes we have good talks and we were very close. ImperialBlether - you're right, it's the general attitude and yes as a teen he changed.

OP posts:

21YrOldMan · 19/03/2012 11:37

If the "I don't do cards" thing was true, then you should've got a "happy mothers day" text or phone call at least. If he did that, but no card, then YABU, but if neither, YANBU to be annoyed but YABU to expect him to change- most 20 something men I know are pretty annoying and selfish. He'll come round eventually.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 19/03/2012 11:52

I'd have it out with him TBH. It's not 'giving up on him' to stand up for yourself. If he already treats you like dirt, you have nothing to lose and only your self-respect to gain.

Original poster

gladiatorsmith · 19/03/2012 16:37

I have had it out with him. He says 'I am irrational' wtf? I always have stuff out with him, its just that he cannot see my point of view

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 19/03/2012 16:55

Big word!! I tend to find people who accuse me of being 'irrational' actually mean 'you are being perfectly rational but you're not agreeing with me - waahhhh!!!!'... :) Well done. Ignore, get on with your life, be less accessible & accommodating when he next needs something. Good luck

ImperialBlether · 19/03/2012 21:34

If you take the cards/presents out of the equation, what kind of relationship do you have? If you call him, is he happy to talk to you? Does he blame you for anything?

If otherwise the relationship is reasonable, I'd say don't worry about the small things. It's easy to see the lack of a card as meaning something or other, but I think it really doesn't necessarily mean anything.

A lot of men only buy a card because their partners tell them to - I don't think most men would really think about giving cards, and I don't think they're that bothered about getting them, either, to be honest.

Have you thought of going to see him when it's your birthday or Mother's Day? How far away is he? I'm lucky in that my kids aren't too far away, so I could go to see them and take them out for dinner. Are you in that position? I know it's really nice to have a child who's thoughtful and considerate, but frankly not too many think about things like that. There's too much going on in their own lives.

Are you a single mum? I am and I think we lose out at times because we've no husband to remind the child to show willing and buy cards etc.

ImperialBlether · 19/03/2012 21:35

Just a note of warning.

He's living away from home. If you send emails he doesn't want to receive (saying he's hurt you) and 'have it out with him' when you speak, you need to be careful. My ex used to hate calling his mum because she always had a gripe. You might have a point, but nobody wants a conversation where they're told they're in the wrong.

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