Help needed re emotional abuse situation

[shrinkingnora]

Someone I know has been in an emotionally abusive relationship for over 40 years. She finally broke down after years of bouts of depression and was sectioned following a suicide attempt. On release from the hospital she has ended up back in the marital home. I know, I can't believe it myself. It is imperative for her that she gets out of there. How the hell do we do it? She has told her husband that she cannot live with him any more but she now is there and can't seem to see how to get out. She doesn't want to go to a hostel (and her mental health I think would be affected by it) but she is aware she needs to get away. Do halfway houses exist? She needs to be close to her MH support team.

Where do I go next? Social services? Help. Very out of our depth. Currently her abusive alcoholic husband is the go to person for the doctors etc. Can we get this changed? He was overheard while she was on the phone talking about how depserate she was threatening to send her back to the hospital.

Any advice?

Bump

If she has support from mh service she's best to ask them for help and advice. They'll know what's available in the area. She can get legal advice also, maybe an injunction or similar

I just worry that she is not strong enough. Thank you for replying. It seems that she feels he needs looking after and she says she can't just abandon him (he has health issues in addition to the alcoholism). I assume this is because she is still a nice person. I think social services for his needs and MH team for hers. She just needs to be somewhere safe and not on her own. There is plenty of money available and willing volunteers. Legal advice needed to remove him as her next of kin.

I wonder if SS would view her as a 'vulnerable' adult. If so they would help her. Also see if your local area has a mental health advocacy service, they are very good and would help her sort out things like changing next of kin, stopping medical staff talking to him etc. Also she should ring Women's Aid or your local DV service if you have one.

I think she doesn't view it as domestic violence or even abuse and admitting that it is abuse is going to be very hard for her. I will look into the mental health advocacy service as suggested.

FWIW I think she is a vulnerable adult. I also think he is charming and manipulative and turns on the smiles when in the presence of doctors etc The two combined lead to a very dangerous situation for her.

It is a great worry to me that the mh system takes family members (so-called carers) at face value, when at least some of the time they are part of the problem. I have been in hospital with hypomania, and got my notes - during my last admission I went home for the weekend, and it is clear that I received no care from XH and also a lot of blame, the notes state what I told one of the nurses, but she just reassured me that H didn't really feel like that. (I knew she was wrong, but just let her think I was reassured). Am divorced now, and mh has improved so much since freeing myself from him.

She feels weak because she is in an abusive relationship. When she manages to get out, and make her own decisions she is likely to find that she is stronger than she thought.

I am nearly 60 btw, so living proof that it is never too late. I was helped a great deal by the Emotional Abuse thread, would she read that, the links at the top are v v helpful.

Which thread is it Pink? It makes my blood run cold that he just says 'of course i'll look after her' and everyone says oh great. Well he would say that, wouldn't he? He's hardly going to say I'I'll tip her over the edge again because I am evil'. Part of it is because he is educated and well spoken. I think their age is working against her at the moment.

She almost seems to defend him. I know he has had a shit time as the son of an alcoholic but lots of people have a shit time without treating their wives as slaves and making them live in fear. I just feel really sad for her that the whole of her adult life has been spent with him.

Support for EA relationships This is it (proud to have done a link - if it works!)

Yay it worked

Thank you! That looks really useful. I will pass the links on to the people closest to her and have a good read myself. Well done on your linking!

Do PM me if it would help. My main symptom was chronic depression - and I thought that was causing problems in my relationship. I was wrong. It was the other way round.

Has she had any contact with Al Anon? She sounds like she is enabling him and is co-dependent and has no idea of what he is doing to her. Al Anon will help her see that. Could you take her along to a group?

Am guessing by length of the relationship that she is over 60. Has anyone close to her tried talking to Age UK advisers or the help line?
They may be able to point you in the right direction and also understand the extra pressure of ending a relationship that has taken up a v considerable chunk of time and also fears because of being old and alone. Advisers also likely to be closer to her age.

Thanks for the Age UK suggestion, will pass that one on. Have number for her local mental health advocacy service now too.

She is definitely enabling and co-dependent and just beginning to realise that. She went to one Al Anon meeting I think but said it really wasn't right for her but I suspect that was before she had started admitting things to herself. It's terribly difficult to help when her mental state is so very fragile (although she did manage to tell him she could never live with him again in front of her doctor - but I suspect the fact that she ended up back there after her release from hospital just made him think she didn't mean it. But fucking hell, the strength required to say that to his face is astonishing).

I think she needs to be moving foward but is stuck in this limbo of how best to do it. Options are being weighed up but nothing seems to be quite right. I really think everyone needs to drop everything and just get her out of there into a flat and then take it in turns to stay with her but that would be exhausting for her. Gah. Wish he was dead.