Considering ending my Relationship :-(

[LilllyLovesLife]

I can't really believe I am saying this and in tears as I type. I will try and stick to short factual stuff so it doesn't get too boring to read.

Been in this relationship a year and a half. Moved fast, I moved house to be closer to him, let my 2 DDs get very close to him etc. My DDs adore him and he adores them. He is a fantastic Father figure to have in their lives (their Dad is a looser who comes in and out of their lives).

But he is so moody with me, I know everybody gets moody but this is getting to the point it's making me miserable. I came off Anti Depressants less than a year ago (mostly because he persuaded me to) and I am finding he is just the worse person to be around when trying to get over depression! He looks on the worst possible side of everything.

I also can't shake off the feeling that his main reason for being with me is that he so desperately wants a family. He made it clear right from the start that he would want one of his own one day which is fine, but everything seems to revolve around that. For one example - I like to smoke, only one ciggerette in the evening once the kids are asleep. But now this is an issue for him as he wants me to be as healthy as possible to make his baby one day. Now I wouldn't mind if we were trying, but we are not yet. And I am already eating healthy (lost 2 stone so far, also for the healthy body for baby making reason), exercising well etc and this is the one thing I feel as a treat at the end of a stressful day to unwind. If he was health conscious I wouldn't mind so much, but he drinks a LOT more than anybody else I know (absolutely min of 4 premium strength beers a day, up to 12 cans really if at home, more if out), eats loads of crap, smokes more than I do, doesn't exercise! Just feels so hypercritical!

He also just doesn't think about anybody else at times. He went out into town with some friends last night. The place he went too shuts at 1 and he said he was sleeping here.. I am ill so went to bed but keep waking up in pain (tonsilitis) he knows this. I woke at 2 he wasn't here - so I text to see if he was oK (He has a habit of getting too drunk to get himself home) And got nothing. Anyway, kept waking in the night and rang and text several times. Ended up quite worried and got a lot less sleep than I could of done had he just text. Finally got through to his phone at 6am and he had gone back to his Sisters flat as she wasn't there, his friends were all there and they were all still up drinking. Now I am OK with this (although feel bad for his sister) but all it would of taken was a simple text to say he wasn't coming home. My daughter is now upset as she wanted him to help her sort out some stuff for Mothers day (she is 4) and I have started Mothers day in tears. We were also going to do stuff together today which now won't happen.

Sorry I am ranting on now. Anyway, I am starting to think maybe this Relationship isn't going to work, but I don't know what the right thing to do is. My DDs will be devastated and so will he. I am also not sure how I will cope with it all. But at the same time I am not happy.

How do I know what to do? I don't want to make this decision?! If it was just about me I would just see how it goes but I don't think it's fair to continue letting the girls think of him more and more as a step Dad type person if things arn't going to work out. I was so sure about him a year ago, but he doesn't really seem to be this laid back, happy, considerate person he made out to be! :-(

sometimes it's easier to stay in a relationship than break out. Change is so tough that we think we can make compromises.

But the fact that he is trying to control your smoking which sounds harmless compared to his habits is so wrong. He has no right to do that...you are your own person and what about the effects his lifestyle has on his sperm anyway.

The utter lack of respect he showed you by not telling you where he was, plus ruining a special day for you and your children should be a massive warning to you. Would you do that to someone you cared for? Of course not. This is so thoughtless, that I would suspect he is trying to tell you something without having the guts to confront you.

18 months is not long...and if he's like this now, imagine how he might treat you a few years down the line. Sometimes it's hard to face the truth, trust me I am almost talking to myself a year ago. Staying out til 6am and not answering calls/texts also suggests he is up to no good.

He's making you miserable and doesn't seem to care..look after yourself..you will get over him.

He doesn't sound great tbh. He drinks a lot. And he lets you down. and apparently you're not behaving well enough to carry his future child.

I think perhaps you moved too fast with this chap and now you're seeing what he's really like.

Can you see yourself being happy with him? Truly?

I'd leave before you have a child together.

Oh my gosh, you poor thing.

I understand why you are feeling so low and so desperate - you feel this relationship has to work because you moved your dds to be with him and because you feel they love him like a father?

I am honestly the last person to say leave a relationship because I had an unstable childhood and I am all about keeping families together and keeping things consistent for children.

BUT this man sounds chilling. He controls you and puts you down. He is an alcoholic. He has no regard for you and your feelings. He has a nasty temper.

He is NOT a good father figure - your daughters will be treading on egg shells you know. They will think a 'good dad' drinks to excess and shouts at his partner, puts her down, insults her, tells her what to do, stays out all night because that is what he is entitled to do.

Do NOT have a baby with this guy. Cut your losses my love. Far, far better to get out now and start again with your dds, then spend 10 years with this man and have a couple of more kids. You made a mistake - that's ok, you can rectify it. Don't carry on making this mistake.

Its easy to mistake someone being good when your ex was so bad.

Believe me if you feel like this after 18m then it will only get worse.

To be honest having someone around your daughters who drinks up to 12 cans of premium lager in a night is not something I would advocate.

If you tolerate his behaviour then unfortunately you are setting a poor example of what is acceptable in a relationship to your daughters.

Its a big step getting rid of someone but you deserve better than this and there are better people out there...

He sounds dreadful.

He would be dreadful enough if, say, he'd gone on a pre-baby health kick and was nagging you to keep up with him - but to be harrassing you about your health habits when he clearly doesn't give a shit about his own (or presumably consider them relevant)! You're not his feckin baby factory, what a highly disrespectful way to treat you.

I'd be tempted to point out that his behaviour isn't that of a responsible father or a decent husband, so you've decided continuing your own family with such a deadbeat is not in your best interests.

For your 4 year old, I'd point out that any day she makes a surprise for you is a treat, and so if it has to wait til later in the week it doesn't matter, just cuddles are a fine present.

Your instincts are totally right. Listen to them. Get yourself and your dcs out of this situation now before you end up tied to this loser.

Oh my Gosh, OP I had to re read your post twice, I actually thought it was myself posting about a year ago.

It has sent chills down my spine! That was me last mothers day, feeling unwell, X out all night, no answer on phone, stayed at his friends house, hungover to the back teeth, ruined the trip we had planned for mothers day.

Sadly not a one off.....all to frequent......and got worse......

Now fast forward a year, lovely untroubled nights sleep, lovely card and present from my wonderful son, coffee and MN in bed, cooked breakfast later, and cinema, followed by pizza.

No tears, no lying, no smelly hungover drunk, trying to tell me I am the unreasonable, mad, controlling,one. No walking on eggs shells, for me and my son.

Please, I know it's hard, but get out as fast as you can. I will be the best action you could ever show your DD's of how much you love them.

Good luck, will really be thinking of you, please post again. xx

It will be

I'm sorry, I know where you are with this and it sounds like the balance has tipped well and truly in the direction of finishing with him.

I know you don't want to hurt the girls. They will be sad, but do it a bit gradually, and you may be surprised how well they cope, how little impact it has on them.

You've given this your best shot but he is not behaving like he should, he's really let you all down today.

I was apprehensive tbh as my DP went out last night and was very drunk at about 9pm when we spoke. DS told me he was coming round at 8am for a Mothers Day surprise and I was afraid he wouldn't make it - not for my sake but I knew DS would be upset and disappointed.

I knew last night that if he didn't come, it would be over. But he did. He turned up bright and early right on time, carrying presents for me and things for the boys as well. Stayed 15 minutes on his way to work and then went, cheerful, kissing me, just happy that we are all happy. He sees that as more important than his job, and definitely more important than his friends/getting drunk etc. so he doesn't let that affect US, iyswim.

I so wish your DP had done the same. But he didn't and I think you know you have to step in and protect your girls from getting any further involved with him, not to mention yourself.

If he is criticising you for the way you behave it will only get worse with time, and I think it would be a really unwise thing to have a baby with him. He sounds very controlling, and it seems not to be about you at all, in his mind.

So you can walk away knowing he doesn't actually love you, I think
You will manage, the girls will manage. You might all feel a great sense of relief once he has gone. Good luck pet and keep posting, we're here if you need us x

All this after a year and a half, imagine complicating the matter by having children with him.

He is making your life miserable, the only reason your children adore him is because they dont see the real him and rightly so. Imagine what they will feel when you are all lumbered with this horrid man who you cant get rid of. You will be fine without him, children are resiliant ...... move on whilst you are able. If you dont deal with this now, you will end up with him being a noose around your neck.

Happy Mothers Day.....go out somewhere with your children and have a happy day. Let him deal with his hang over away from you and your girls.

oh and FGS have that cigarette, it's your body - you do not belong to him. In fact there is I'd say a significant risk that he might become physically abusive towards you once he considers you do belong to him, ie when you're carrying his child.

Pregnancy is often when it begins.
So really, really don't have a baby with him Ok? There will be someone better if you want another baby one day x

So sorry to read about your sutuation. I have to agree with other comments...his behaviour is entirely unacceptable. In my opinion, you'd be crazy to condider a child with this man, make your escspe begire you have a permanent tie to him. Good luck, and enjoy the rest of your day with the person who deserves you most xx

Oh god he's horrid.

This especially jumped out at me: "he wants me to be as healthy as possible to make his baby one day"

You aren't a person to him, sweetheart. You are an object there to serve his purpose.

If you consider yourself a human being worthy of respect, then get rid of this man.

Op are you OK? Please take these comments on board. He sounds like a very needy person who wants someone to enable him, particuarly with his heavy drinking. You do not need an extra child in your life who will bring noting but sulking and a bad smell.

Oh God and yes he really does drink WAY too much

That's never good. It really isn't.

OP have you got friends and family around who will support you if you decide to leave him? I am worried he may not take it well...how do you think he would handle that?

He sounds like a nasty piece of work, I am sorry. You need to try get out of this.

You will not be a failure to neither yourself nor your kids if you leave. You will if you stay, though.

Lots of great advice but what fizzfriend said about heeding that actions speak louder than words and him being prepared to ruin your Mothers Day with your DC tells you a lot.

Also I agree with whats been said re do as I say not as I do on smoking and lifestyle

Contemplating a break up even when you know its the right thing is extremely hard but from what you have posted I think it would be the best thing for you and your DC

I agree with all the others.

I'd say this mothers day incident is a good reason to end it.

Your children will understand and they have no blood ties to him.

Tbh, I'd tell him to stay at his sis and don't come back, at least today.

Lilly, he won't change, trust me, (only for the worse).

My H is controlling and we have been together for 20 years. He is getting more selfish as he gets older and I am at last planning my get out strategy.

All the best, you are not alone!!!!

Oh no Lilly he wont change , the early years are usually the best ones he will just get worse

Sorry I expect all this hard to read

18 months in and he is telling you what to do, how to do it and disrespects you totally.

Ditch him, this is not a loving relationship. He is an arse.

This sounds awful. What ever you do don't have a baby with this man. If he thinks getting drunk like a teenager and drinking - how many cans - every night is a good role model for the DC then he is way off mark. This sort of behavoiur is damaging to little children, they grow up thinking being drunk is normal.

Imagine what life would be like in ten years from now, can you see it as wonderful or worse - I think you know the answer. You need to think long and hard and find a way out. Good Luck.

He's awful!

He's a complete hypocrite, a bully, a heavy drinker, depressing and unreliable.

I can see why he'd want a child with you, but why the hell would you want a child with him? Once you get pregnant you are tied to him for good - even when that child has children, he'll still be lurking around.

Nip it in the bud now. Your children may love him now, but if you lived together and he turned his hypocrisy and moods on them, I doubt they'd love it so much.