Discussing my 'abuse' with my friend. She has now made me doubt myself.

[Wantobeanon]

Here is my original thread on this subject www.mumsnet.com/Talk/other_subjects/873929-Was-I-abused

I was talking to a close friend recently and she was asking me about something I had vaguely mentioned but never gone into detail about (it was the subject of the linked thread).

I told her some details and also that I was always worried that it never really was abuse because of my age and I should have known better etc.

She didn't disagree with me and the look she gave showed me that she doubted that it is classed as abuse.

It is not something I have ever really got over and it has had a huge impact on my personal life, something that frustrates me a lot.

So was it really abuse or is my friend right to have doubts?

Yes it really was abuse. A similar thing happened to me in my early teens - a so-called family friend. It affected my choices in my 20's, and it also seemed like it attracted further abuse - which even then I was unable to stand up to. I think I just went into survival freeze mode every time it happened - even included sexual harrassment by my employer.

It can be come to terms with. I managed this on my own (now late 50s). and original abuser is long dead - but with help I am sure it would not have taken so long.

stop doubting yourself, no one can tell you how you feel about something. He was older and took advantage of you. End of story.

Yes it was abuse. How do you feel about it?

Horrible and it makes me physically clam up.

I know that feeling :(
it wasn't your fault pet, it should never have happened to you.

Well, I'd call that abuse and I think a lot of other would too.

Trying to give your friend the benefit of the doubt, could it be that she was trying to guage your reaction, and letting you talk, before offering her opinion?

Sometimes people may not be up to naming something that happened to them as abuse, and talk about something, but would back off from talking about it if the listener "named" it too early, before the speaker is ready to hear it?

Is that a possibility?

If your friend does have difficulties seeing it as abuse, she may have her own issues going on. She may not be the person to talk to about this. Which is not so great.

Talking to others about this sort of thing is difficult and can sometimes result in knock-backs. It's still worth it, though. Don't let it set you back - naming what happened to you as abuse is correct and I'm sure it's ultimately good for you.

It's abuse. people react to stuff badly sometimes, maybe her own issues?
Do you need a safe RL place to explore the pain that this is causing you (and I am not implying that it shouldn't cause you pain...just that it might be better if you had somewhere to take it)

it doesnt matter what the label is or what anyone calls it. Its certainly not something anyone would be prosecuted for, but it was dodgy and its affected you badly and you feel how you feel.

Having read through your other thread, I think you should stop trying to put a label on what happened to you - because this seems to be confusing you more than anything else. "If I call it abuse, but X person doesn't agree, does this mean I wasn't abused and am therefore being silly?"

You were a 15 year old girl who had a perfect right to stay in the home of an adult you trusted without having to put up with the wandering hands and unwelcome attention of anyone. He should have known better and must have known he was committing a crime, so by any reasonable application of the word, he WAS being abusive. Doesn't matter one iota what your reaction was or wasn't at the time, you were a child and the law recognises that at that age you cannot be expected to act in the way an adult might.

Doesn't matter what your friend thinks - she wasn't there. This happened to you and has caused you enough psychological distress for it still to be playing on your mind to this degree so many years later.

Forget what anyone else thinks, I think you need to find a way to square this away in your own mind and properly move on from it.

Have you tried counselling? It would give you the opportunity to really talk in depth with someone unjudgemental about this - someone who's not interested in sticking labels on your experience but who'll just help you to see past it.